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Thursday, June 20, 2013

Another Step

I have this "issue," where I have troubles accepting successes, big or small.

Example, I've been involved with football for quite a few years now.  If we win, I really don't give it much attention and never take any credit for it.  I actually try to remove myself from it completely, because I'm kind of uncomfortable with it and I don't want the players to see how I react.  In a way, success is expected so it happens and then time to move on.  (I read that last line and I know it reads pretty cold and distant... I cant help it but I'm trying to figure it out.)  I was a part of a state contending team for a couple years and I really dont remember celebrating anything.  I enjoyed everything very much and I actually got a lot more of a positive feeling from practices than games.  But like I said, come game time, success is expected.
If a class is successful, I really don't attach myself to that either and I don't even try to wonder why, it just was and that's it.  I let it go and move along (observingbystander?).

On the flip side, if we lose, its the exact opposite. I try take all the blame and I'm really hard on myself.  Sometimes it probably goes too far and is borderline unhealthy.  I was also part of some teams that did not have great win-loss records and those years made me wonder if coaching was right for me. I took the blame every week, never putting it on the kids and looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.  I will never blame anyone else for coming up short, I'll take the blame for not installing the proper process to have success.  I've had classes that tanked, and that also made me wonder.  A loss on the field, a "loss," with a class, I'd wonder "Whats wrong with me?  What am I missing?  What am I not doing? How can I turn this around?" and lose sleep and it was extremely stressful.

Summary - Success, I basically ignore. Failures obsess me.

So last spring when I was building the Power Room with Scarlett and my Dad (with paint help from Jeanna and Melissa who painted the awesome symbol), some conversations went on that I basically ignored.  It was a pretty cool, but tedious process.  If you've never installed wood flooring... well, you're not missing much.
All throughout, my Dad would say "Boy this is pretty cool," and "This is going to look nice."  And I would basically ignore him.  Not because I wanted to ignore his conversation, but because I couldn't let myself see it that way.  At the time, it wasn't cool, I saw a to do list.  I saw a project that needed to happen.  Did I know it would be a nice room when finished?  Yes, but it had nothing to do with me even though I was one of the people actually working on the room... I know that sounds crazy, but I needed to dis-attach emotionally.
We finished and he said "You can smile about this, you know?" I didn't.  Maybe I was afraid to be happy for fear of failure.  If I got my hopes up and it tanked... that might have been too hard.  I just thought of that right now.

This week I finally had the time to take classes with Lindsay (Wed at 6:15) and Alex (Thurs at 6).  I was supposed to be at a concert but sold the tickets at the last minute.  Wednesday before class, I just wanted to walk in and sit down and not do anything.  No straightening, no fidgeting around trying to adjust anything, just wait on the mat like any other class and wait for class to begin... and I actually did it and had my most enjoyable class ever.  I was able to remove myself from the room and just be on the mat and with the group and it felt great.
Then Thursday came along and I was pretty much able to do the same thing, but this time I was jumping off the mat occasionally to snap a few pics.  Somehow, between something Alex said and the pics and jumping back on the mat for crescent lunges and such, I thought "How freaking cool is this?" and I smiled.  I looked at the symbol different and thought "My sister painted that... How cool is that?"  Friends and family helped build this room, my mom made the curtain... how cool is that?  I'm taking an awesome class with awesome people, awesome instructors, doing what I love to do in a room I love being in... how cool is that??  I proposed to Scarlett here... that's really cool!  And I think I had this goofy grin on face the entire second half of class.

People talk all the time about how they love the room and how comfortable it is and how they feel being there, I should be taking some pride in that.

Its not about ego... I think that might be why I've tried to disengage from successful situations and hide sometimes.  I was always so concerned with "Hey, don't look at me, they did it," when things went right.  So maybe I need to learn its OK to take a compliment and OK to smile about something that goes pretty cool.  Its OK to occasionally celebrate success... just not too much :)

Like I've said 1,000,000 times... I'm on the path too.  We;re all on the journey together.  This is something I'm definitely working on, and very glad it came to light this week the way that it did.