Sunday, April 27, 2014

Stepping Back To Move Forward

Multiple angles to the decision I made.  In no certain order, this is how it happened.

Part 1 (get ready for some weird)
I had this dream... I was teaching a class in a really cool room... It felt like a cabin with many windows and natural light... very relaxing but energetic.... I remember it feeling like "home."  So I'm doing the thing and another instructor stood up, who I do not care for, and asked if he could add something.  I said yes and turned around to adjust the music.  When I turned back, the room was empty.
So I walked outside into a field and there was the class, but now with a different instructor and she said "mind if I add something?" and I again said yes and again turned to play with my ipod.  I turned around to see the class again and again, they were in a different location and with another instructor... I remember feeling very alone and I just watched from a distance.
I turned to gather my things and walk away but before I did, one of my clients called out to me.  I turned to reply, she was carrying two blue dumbbells and she said "ok, we're ready now."  I said "For what?  It's over," and she replied, "We don't want this from you anymore," and looked over at he yoga group,  "We want you for this," and motioned at the weights.
I woke up and knew what it meant.

Part 2
I was getting to the point where a potential contract would come up and I'd think "This will be good for the company."
Did you get that?  A potential contract... aka client, and I'd think "This will be good for the company," as if saying "I'm taking this contract to further the name."
What a douche.
This was a big flag but it didn't stop me at the time.

Part 3
The pressure of monthly numbers affected my training.  I'd be in the building and it would hover over me like a cloud... "we need x amount of monthly members and then this many "drop ins," and then we're in the positive."  And after every class, I'd see the attendance and see the payments and I'd either be pleased or pissed.
It's just not me.

Part 4
So I tried to give it away.   I told people "I cant be the business side of this.  Take this and just hire me like an employee... just let me train..."
But no one would take it.  I couldn't give it away!  I literally laugh thinking about that... So many meanings and feelings behind that one.
"You have to keep it going."  No, you take it and hire me. "Ummm no."

So adding all of this together it came down to one conclusion and that's to close the room and do what I do best, personal training and badass bootcamps.  Could I have continued in the Power Room?  Not under these conditions, not in this situation.  The stress of trying to create the profit to cover everything, like I said, it hurt the training and was motivating me to make decisions that weren't true... that weren't "me."  I was too distracted being there and I know it was all in my head and the pressure I created but I cant help it.  I refuse to do average things.  And I have a history of ending things that are "average," to burn it down and start new again.  (Do you get that?)  Think of it as reincarnation...

This decision is a mini step backwards in order to reload, re-energize and realign and I truly believe its exactly what I needed.  Believe me, this decision was super hard and emotional... still is.  I still have 5 more weeks in there and I know its going to challenge me down the stretch.  It's going to hurt to walk away on May 31 and know I'm losing some awesome partners and probably some amazing members... (even writing that right now... bet I'm wearing a baseball hat that day to "hide" :)

My daughters came to class this week and they think that room is so cool... that makes it hard too.

I  was stretching too far, I was trying to do too much.  I was wearing too many "hats."  Where I am now, where I feel I'm headed, its more focused.  Its better already.
Maybe I was hanging onto the ego of "my room," of the "Blue Chip Power Room."

I remember a guy left us and he said (over the phone) "Thanks for letting me use Blue Chip to sharpen up for this next step."  Like BC was a stepping stone to a bigger opportunity.  At that point, I knew even the yoga world in NE Ohio was just a business and I really struggled with that and it really changed my perception because the more I looked around, the more I saw how it just wasn't what I thought it was.  I never really felt like I "fit in," with the little club, probably for good reasons.  BC was never going to be like the others.
I'm not really a businessman and I just cant see myself every operating with something so personal, so fragile (yoga and training) in a dollars and cents manner.

But I found myself leaning towards retiring... I was really struggling to find the will to continue training at all.  I'd see the logo, or the pens, the t-shirts, the hoodies, the gifts I've recvd over the years and I'd get anxiety.  "Blue Chip Strength, Conditioning & Fitness, LLC," and it was really making me legitimately depressed.  I was cancelling sessions, and let my own training take a distant back seat.  I found myself going for walks w/ self help audio books in my ipod, which was nice, but I was so down, I didn't even give a shit what they were saying.  All their "self help," help I felt just didn't apply to me.  

Then I saw this on Tait's instagram page and his hashtag #ineedyoutotry...
...And I sat and wondered "What do I wish existed?"
A random guy... with a real passion for a fun style of progressive training, grounded in the basics... he just runs these badass bootcamps in random parks throughout the week for like $5 and doesn't give a shit about profit or rent or anything "business..." he actually works out with the group... and he helps build an awesome little community of beautiful people that share their passions and work together to achieve goals.

If you're training with me in the future, be optimistic... I think you're in the process of having a trainer that's coming back into his prime and even further.  I feel focused again.  I'm truly feeling a breath of fresh air and clear thoughts about this and I know that will translate into more energetic, more intelligent sessions.

Maybe taking a step back to move forward.

This Is Blue Chip