Monthly Mix Tape

New MOOD by Onnit

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Trap door in the sun...

(Just dive in... just start writing.. no clue as to what I'm about to babble, exactly, but I know what its about)

Listening to "You Know You're Right," to help set the tone and help me stay focused... so you should know, in case you're clueless as to the song, this one may not be a feel good story, but not sure.

Unsure because I want to write about a couple taboo topics that are fitting for the date, not Easter, but April 5th.
The day Kurt Cobain (1994) and Layne Staley (2002) died.  You'll read "self inflicted gun shot wound," and "heroin overdose," but not depression.

For some reason, saying "I'm depressed," is brushed off, maybe too ourselves in our heads or to whoever we may say it to.  We may look in the mirror and think it, eyes may well at times for virtually no reason... we get that ball in our throats, almost feels like a sore throat coming on, and we swallow the words down, wash our face off, put on our "costume," and move along... the costume helps us play the part of "I'm ok!" just as the smile does or the workload or whatever else we do to distract us or anyone looking our way.

Physically, it feels like someone constantly leaning on your back... like the fluids in your body are sluggish and not flowing smoothly... everything feels a little heavier, a little slower, a little less than 100 and we just feel "off."  Problem is, it builds momentum and what just felt "off," has snow-balled into a heavier load.
(I need to dive in a little deeper, so I change over to "Nutshell," by Alice in Chains and play it on repeat)
You stop seeing an optimistic "we'll figure this out," outcome in daily situations you once handled.
You doubt yourself in activities you once had confidence.
You may look to destroy your life and proclaim "I don't deserve what I have."
You look for exits from situations because the depression has given you anxiety about conversations, in with friends, and you hide away.  So you stay home and friendships dissolve.  You're probably not even productive, you just sit home,  over watching television and not taking great care of yourself.
Some people try to medicate with food or alcohol, over-eating or over-drinking, or both... some type of vice appears or escalates that helps you feel a bit of happiness, even if just temporarily, which is where the habits are born... we need to feel happy again.  You look to escape from "life."

If un-helped, a few of us tinker down a more dangerous path or more dangerous drugs, maybe prescription pills, maybe heroin or something along those lines and addictions amplify, leading to... to be honest, troubles I've never personally experienced so I can't go on too much here.  But if you listened to my podcast with Ben, you heard his money troubles... I think he knows he was real lucky.  Others have had more severe troubles, more dangerous situations, and/or death via accidental OD or suicide... you may think "not me," and you may be true, maybe not... but it could definitely be the guy next to you. There's no age requirement, sex, income... Anyone.

I'm 38 and I've had many, many friends.  Friends with money, friends with low level jobs, lawyer friends, all over... friends w many relationships, friends with few... you might think "nah, not him/her, they had so much going..." but you cant know.  You'd never know.  Just as Ben told me what an awesome liar he was at hiding his addictions and everything he was into... and man, right now I get teary eyed just thinking of our talk... because it's so scary, that someone can be right next to us and appear so happy and here, but inside, they're fading, they're hiding, they're in so much real pain... but they smile to give us the "i'm ok," bs.
"Smile when it hurts."
So when they ask for help, or show a sign, you need to start paying attention, dive in and do not let go.  They will try to distract you and throw you off the scent.  They'll try to hide or run, run after them.  Like a wounded dog, they'll bark and bite when you get too close... endure.
They're in a dark place, maybe not as dark as you'd think, but maybe darker,  and you would never,  never know.  It could be right in your face, and you would never know.  Work to pull them out, someway, somehow.  They might not be on an actual suicidal path, but that doesn't mean their life isn't greatly affected by the thoughts they're having.

You can help someone you know.

If you are the one that needs a hand... show a sign, even if you don't feel strong enough to say it fully... just a look can be the sign, just eye contact.

I believe people can help each other... not talking about Dr.s or medicines, but conversations and moments.  You don't have to be a professional, just an ear... Just be present and attentive... That could be all that's needed.

Peace, love, empathy,


Immortality by Pearl Jam