Monday, July 20, 2015

just a lil bit of water...

“Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.” 


so that one lingered...
I've always day dreamed of writing a book.  Wasnt quite sure what it would be, but always thought i had the nerve and dedication bouncing around my monkey brain.  thought about a compilation of everything I've already written here, cleaning it up, polishing it off and going from there.. i might.

But this Alan Watts quote stirred me up... I think because I always feel on the verge of quitting.  Everything.  As much as i'm here, I feel like one eye is always on the door... wondering, imaging.

I reread these and think what a dick... half this shit doesnt even make sense, its babble, its uppity hipster bullshit and all that...
But the other half reads that quote and thinks F it... write, let it go and dont look back.

Part of me strongly desires isolation.  To go away, to a quiet place and stay.  i remember being a weird kid at the pool or beach where i'd find a heavy rock or climb the ladder to the bottom and sit in silence, holding my breath as long as possible, just enjoying the sound of water.  Weird little (chubby) freak.
The other part thinks no no no... you've overcome quite a bit... you need to keep writing, keep sharing... even if one of these dumb sentences happens to stumble onto the right smart phone and the right person reads it at the time they need it... thats useful.  be useful.

But its difficult.  It kind of feels like treading in water... 5 foot waves... you can manage, you can tread and see some people when the water moves just right, but for the most part... you're alone.   You see them and yell HEY! and they HEY! back and wave, but the waves continue and they come and go.

"He was able to touch but slightly of reach."

Maybe this is why i loved the float tank so much.... wish it was closer... and i had more time.
Anyone want to buy me one??


Coaching has hit the spot.  The speed of practice forces a very nice flow state that I'm not entirely sure the coach realizes he created... I should ask.  It's fast and we move from one session to the next with different areas of focus every 10 minutes, so for someone with anxiety or some ADD, it works very well.  As we move along, I find a very nice rhythm and zone where I can tap in right where I like it.  Not many places, outside of a pearl jam mix, where i've found it quite like this.  The drive is lengthy but I find advantages there too... some nice quiet time to listen to music or a podcast.


Remember when i said i'd quit if my goal wasn't reached?
I lied.
Not intentionally and no excuses, but things just changed.  My goal changed.  I guess that's ok.  right?  I kinda beat myself about it for a few days and wondered how i was going to explain it, but that was it... the goal just moved a bit.  Dropping the lbs is still there but not by the date and that's due to the programming.  The old goal and date demanded a heavier load of running than I was able to take care of, my lifting was going extremely well so i detoured and i'm ok with it.  So back then, i was beating myself up for feeling out of shape and needing to prove something.  in the process of the "detour," i kind of slipped into some power and ended up benching around 400lbs, pain free, and improved my squat form and weight dramatically.  Before, 225 was a challenge because of pain in the back/hips and shoulders.  Now, settling with reps around 285, pain free... good work.  The scale moves around here and there but the mirror is what i'm checking out.  Things are definitely getting more solid.  I'll tinker with some running and some yoga here and there, but I'll continue riding this wave where it takes me.
(get it?)


When I young, a friend criticized me for always "pushing my thoughts," on people.... he said I should be a priest.  Unfortunately I still here it, minus the priest part.  I hope you're figuring out what I'm saying here... I really do believe I've tapped into something, a level of consciousness, that I didn't have or see or feel before and it changed me.  If I didnt write about it or share it, i dont think i'd talk much at all.
You cannot deny that their are drawers, closets, cabinets, locked away inside you... inside are the ingredients to how you became... your habits... your insecurities... your fears... your strengths... the how to, the why, to you... its right there.... dont you want to read it all?  dont you want to see it?  explore it?
theres a key to a lock, but you dont even know theres a lock... you just know "I'm ______!" and thats it.
I'm just type A, I'm just a bitch, I'm just a stressed person, I'm just this way, and on and on and on.. but i'll argue that, because no one is a title or a way...
I'm not you, we're different...
Very good... so me being me, I don't enjoy seeing damage and pain, so I do whatever i can to help you relieve the pain and discomfort.  Anxiety is pain and discomfort.  So is stress.  So is fear.
Maybe some know-it-all-D would say "they're choices, people choose their life." Eh, I agree and disagree.  You cant blame a Frenchman for not knowing how to speak English, no matter where he is.  some concepts are just foreign until its not.   I don't believe people know its a choice.  I don't believe people know where the light is, where the key is and where the lock is... then how to use it and what to do with it.  And i totally understand that some things read for hippy or know it all...
but I will always say and remind when needed, i come from a place where these tools were needed.  Had i not found this path, that actually began years ago, the story would have ended; but it didnt.


And if you don't train with me you'd probably just read PERSONAL TRAINER... this is just my avenue to relieve pain and suffering... while turning you into a bad mofo!!!



“It's like you took a bottle of ink and you threw it at a wall. Smash! And all that ink spread. And in the middle, it's dense, isn't it? And as it gets out on the edge, the little droplets get finer and finer and make more complicated patterns, see? So in the same way, there was a big bang at the beginning of things and it spread. And you and I, sitting here in this room, as complicated human beings, are way, way out on the fringe of that bang. We are the complicated little patterns on the end of it. Very interesting. But so we define ourselves as being only that. If you think that you are only inside your skin, you define yourself as one very complicated little curlique, way out on the edge of that explosion. Way out in space, and way out in time. Billions of years ago, you were a big bang, but now you're a complicated human being. And then we cut ourselves off, and don't feel that we're still the big bang. But you are. Depends how you define yourself. You are actually--if this is the way things started, if there was a big bang in the beginning-- you're not something that's a result of the big bang. You're not something that is a sort of puppet on the end of the process. You are still the process. You are the big bang, the original force of the universe, coming on as whoever you are. When I meet you, I see not just what you define yourself as--Mr so-and- so, Ms so-and-so, Mrs so-and-so--I see every one of you as the primordial energy of the universe coming on at me in this particular way. I know I'm that, too. But we've learned to define ourselves as separate from it. ” 
― Alan W. Watts

“How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself anything less than a god.” 
― Alan W. WattsThe Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are

This Is Blue Chip