Wednesday, November 23, 2016

I'm sorry

This is probably the hardest blog I've ever written... So let me find my life jacket real quick before diving in (spotify - pearl jam playlist - shuffle)
I'm lying... I didn't hit shuffle.  I chose Long Road... I think I've heard this song around 73 times over the past 5 days.

Why?  Because I have an issue... maybe, this guy above is partially responsible for it.  Or maybe he came in in a pivotal point letting me its ok to dive deep into pain.


I've always been very, very bad w funerals.  To the point where I've skipped ones I should've attended.  I regret that very much.
It takes a lot of energy to not cry.  I avoid it (in front of people) as often as possible.  It probably looks awkward.
So, I've never understood what to say or how to say it.  I mean really, whats to really say?
I had a friend who lost a child earlier this year... what words were there for me to say?  The pain is the pain, no words can change that.  No words can make it better or less painful.  No ones coming back w magical words.   Everyone says "I'm sorry for your loss," and I didn't get that.   I just didn't understand the phrase.  I wasn't cold, the words just didn't make actual sense to me.

I was sitting in the airport with someone who I shared some time with recently at a funeral out of state.
I told a story:

  • I used to see some shrinks... mostly for conversation, honestly... mostly little hippy, holistic women.  Aside from a doozy, (I just lol'd at that), I'm ok.  But I'd honestly tour around and have conversations with shrinks and therapy based ideas, diving into mental exercises and such.  Probably 80% useless crap.  But I had one conversation that stuck a bit.  We were talking about death, suicide and pain and the woman told me "When we lose someone we love, when they leave this world, they take with them a piece of our heart... thats the pain.  And then we have a space for them, and depending on the loss and circumstances, it can create a hole.
So this morning I'm cleaning up a mess from my disastrous dogs, and cried.  
I had these GD songs running through my head... and I thought "I'm so sorry," and it finally made sense.  

I'm sorry that anyone has to walk on w that pain in their heart.  I'm so sorry.

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