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Monday, December 12, 2016

Family, Friends and Faith

That might be the title of my book one day.

But it also fits this particular blog entry.  See, I did something really wild recently.
I had a conversation where someone literally said to me "You can f around and make $70,000... want to make $150,000? You can."
And a little voice in the back of my head said "OMG... this is it!" and I said "Yes."

So I put in my notice at the gym and started something new.  Putting in notice at the gym was probably the second hardest choice I've ever made and within those 2 weeks of notice, I begged something or someone would step in and talk me out of it.  Someone to say "Hey idiot!  You're not seeing the whole picture."  If that person appeared and said it, I wasn't listening.  The only thing I saw was the stress relief a larger bank account would give me.  What I didn't know was one stress would be substituted with a far greater one.

So there I was, sitting in a very nice building, with very nice cars in the lot and well dressed people around me.  A very solid group of people.  Once or twice per week one of the partners would come in and give us a pep talk... VERY solid.  I even pulled one aside and let him know, "I've heard some of the greatest football coaches in the country speak and deliver messages that would make you do some things... you guys are right there (on that level)."  No BS.   But one day, one of the younger guys spoke and said somethings that helped me clear away the dollar signs.

He told us how he became rich.  I mean RICH.  Multi-millionaire at a very young age, no bill troubles, rich.
Sacrifice.
Now, you'd think "no kidding dumbass, no one hands out millions... everything comes at a price."  I agree.
But two days before that I missed the funeral of a guy I greatly admired and man I used to coach with.
Then I missed my 10 year olds first orchestra concert.
I quickly saw my time wasnt my time anymore, and 40 hours were turning into 60.
So when he said "If you're actions arent in alignment w your goals... you need to make a change."

And thats something we all know, right?  We have goals and we want to achieve them.  So our actions need to be positive steps towards the goal.  Easy math.

But then he went around the horn a bit with goal talk... and I was on the verge of a full blown freaking panic attack.  As the other guys talked about cars and homes, tax returns and weekly sales...

I flashed forward and thought "Will the girls say it was ok?"  Will missed time make up for a bank account?
"Dad, its ok... we understand you sacrificed seeing all of our performances for work and money."
Has your kid ever said that to you?
Thats what it is.  Someone may try to flip and say "What about their financial future?? What about providing?"

Thats exactly where we're different and I cant change it and I dont think I want to.  I'm nuts.  I've been nuts since I was a kid.  See, I've had death on my radar FORRRRRREVER.  Anyone who knew between 1993-2008 knows this.  I have always known and accepted that absolutely anything can happen at any given moment.  At any moment, that phone can ring and there is news on he other end that will change everything.   I've seen suicides, drug overdoses, cancer, car accidents, shootings, diabetes, heart attacks, you name it... so it can happen.  And it can happen today.  When you're young and you have a conversation about "This might be it," in regards to the most important person in your life... chemicals in that brain are going to move around a bit.
People have said "You're too hard on people," or "you push too hard."  This is exactly why.  100%.  Cant say it any more clearly.  I am racing everyday like this could be it.

"Take my hand, take a good look, this could be the day."
- Eddie Vedder/ Porch

I remember when I was maybe 15-16 years old, a friend invited me to go school shopping with him and his mom.  I remember thinking how weird it was, watching him give a shit.  He'd spend $80 on jeans and whatever else on certain brands he said he wanted to "wear $200 everyday."  Good or bad, I'm not the judge.  For whatever reason, he had this idea in him at a young age.  I just never did.  I never cared about material possessions.  I never found value in things that can be taken away.  If you can take it away from me, it was never really mine, so whats to be attached to.  

Human contact and relationships... those things cant be taken away, bought or sold.   

So "what about their financial future?"
I ask "What about their emotional future?"
What about their mental future?
Money is money.  It comes and goes like water.  I lose it, I get it.  We all do.  Sometimes we have a bunch, sometimes we have little.  Pretty simple.  its nice that we have some control over it.  To a point we can create ways to get more and we can create ways to spend it.  It's a silly little game we all share.
But time... we only have some.  And you have no control whatsoever.
It's a clock and its winding down.

Right now, wherever you are take a look at a calendar and then the time...
Ok, now let me know exactly how much you have left.  How many days?  How many seconds?
See the point?  You have no clue.  So there's real value there.  A value you cant put a dollar sign on.  No one ever has, no one ever will.  You'll never hear "Can you I trade in $10,000 to have another 10 days?"
"Can I trade $1,000 to see my kids play?"
"Can I trade $25,000 to not have cancer?"
"Can I trade $100,000 to have him back?"
See... you would.  You'd trade every fucking dime you have for more time.

Accept that our time together is very limited and we only have one life.  You cannot spend it doing anything other than what makes you happy.
So when they want my goals... I want time.  I want time with kids.  I want time at home.  I want to spend my time working with people and for people I enjoy very much.  I want my work to be useful and helpful.  Money?  I only care enough to be able to pay bills, see a beach once per year, have 3 meals per day, have a little extra for random fun and not freeze.  If I have to hustle a little harder, I'm ok with it and I'll choose my route that doesn't effect my priorities and values.

I have a nice tattoo on my back that needs some touching up.  It reads "I AM MINE," around my nickname.






The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind
North is to South what the clock is to time
There's east and there's west and there's everywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I'll die
In between is mine
I am mine
And the feeling it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significance behind the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight
The ocean is full 'cause everyone's crying
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
I only know my mind
I am mine
And the feeling it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significance between the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight
What
And no feeling that gets left behind
All the innocent lost among time
We are all different behind the eyes
There is no need to hide
And the feeling that gets left behind
All the innocence broken with lies
Yeah. We are all doomed behind the eyes
They're saying to hide
Yeah, yeah yeah