Saturday, February 11, 2017

It's a funny thing... we've all played the "what would you do if _____," game, right?
"If you had ____, what would you do?"
"If you could ______, would you?"
That type of thing.  Just weird or fun day dreams.

So I'm playing that game and its still ______.  Blank.

"What would you do if your mom is diagnosed with _____?"

And I cant fill it in...

I've had this thought lately of metabolizing emotions.  I'm sure its a theory out there, I haven't cared to google it, I'm just tinkering with it in my own head.  Pretty straight forward comparison.  Digestion of food = digestion of emotions.  How we use it for energy, what it does to our system, the taste/flavor, absorption, etc.  Do we like it?  Is it good for us?  Do we want more?  Do we need more?  Should we be dieting on this?  On and on.
So this _____ is like that food you saw when you were a kid, where you slammed your mouth closed and refused to eat it.  Wouldn't even try it.  It was just "Nope, not eating that shit."

Except, now I'm an "adult." And sometimes they serve something you don't want, but you have to eat it.
And sometimes you don't have any control.  You cant slip out, you cant dump the food, you cant pass it to someone.

So they fed this thing and I really cant get it down.  I thought I could.  Had I played the ______game, prior to, I would've been real cocky ass and said how I'd swallow it whole.
But this was a few days ago.

My mom has had a series of health issues, from what I know, around 25 years or so.  Pretty consistent doctors visits and scares.  It seems to always have a doctor say "Well, not really sure how it happened but," and then 2 weeks later, shes ok and back home.
And all along, probably as a defense mechanism, I figured any one of these trips, could be thee trip.  I think I started that weird little game back in 1994 when this started.
So when I heard she went in with breathing issues, I wasnt overly concerned.  "She'll be fine."

But this one has gone differently.
Tests and pictures found masses and nodules.  In a few days we were told liver cancer, then I think pancreatic cancer and today she told me "it's in the lungs."

But it just really hit me this week and I cried for the first time.
I'll behave very normal, very stoic, but when I turn the corner or get in my car... it's hard.

The what would I do game?
"Jay, what would you do if your mom was diagnosed with a handful of cancers and you knew time was very limited?
I coach the situation.  In this case, it means that I'll do everything I can to make sure she has fun and laughs and has hope until the end.  I'll keep her thinking about the summer and the garden.  I'll keep her focused on eating right.  I'll keep her thinking about seeing the girls plays or concerts and set them on the calendar, we'll keep planning things.  I'll keep her focused on rehab and getting strong.  I'll keep focused on going home and enjoying the house and upcoming birthdays.  I will not let her feel like she's dying, no matter what any doctor or test or stats say.

This Is Blue Chip