Given the last 6 weeks-6 months of my life, this was a strange and difficult one for me to write about. On one hand, I didn't want to over-state the news or my feelings on it, but on the other, my mom would understand how much this meant to me.... so here we go.... hopefully.
It's also taken me around 5 days to write this...
I wake up and usually scroll the FB feed for news every morning, so when I saw the initial posts, I thought it was bs. I actually hoped he just went into the hospital for something odd and some low end paper reported a death to get link clicks. So I waited it out a couple hours, read all the links, and waited some more before knowing it was real.
Then in private, I cried pretty good. I'll admit, I'm still not 100% sewn up from April, but, is what it is.
And its kinda weird, right? We mourn celebrities and people we never met, but a part of us feels like we know them (man... I should not be writing this one in public). But we feel it because we do know them.
And I'm just speaking for myself and my relationship w this music and my bands.
Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots... my workout music hasn't changed in nearly 25 years. My driving music hasn't changed in 25 years. My motivating music, my music of inspiration and hope, my chill music hasn't changed in 25 years. People ask about my tattoos.. all but 2 are about this music. You know, when you're young and you hear the sounds and this honesty, for better or worse, with all their pain and depression and angst and even cockiness, it effects you. It moves you.
So when Chris died, a little bit of hope died.
I remember reading his interview somewhere in the late 90s where he talked about always getting a top floor hotel room, just so he could lean on the window and imagine the fall. So as we all got older and seeing his life and music, I'd think "he made it out... he's ok..."
I've read so many good blogs and articles lately, I'm finding it difficult to not plagiarize their work, but also think its that universal. We're all feeling the same about it.
I hear people criticize depression like "Get your shit together," or "what do you have to be sad about?" or even just a simple "why are you depressed?" I don't think those people who question or wonder ever really felt the power of it... the darkness and the weight. The squeeze it can put on your energy.
Similar things can be said for suicide... ."Selfish," or "I just don't get it," or an "easy way out." Those phrases... Same as above. . On one hand I guess its good that those people never had the thought or wonder. On the other hand though.... I wonder about those people. I wonder how much of themselves they've actually explored.
Depression is much more relevant than most people will ever admit or maybe fully realize.
Kinda done being hung up on this post... I cant figure out the words for myself. Its just empty and sad and I hope anyone who has ideas like this or any level off depression, finds someone to talk to.
Check out the tunes below