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Saturday, February 11, 2017

It's a funny thing... we've all played the "what would you do if _____," game, right?
"If you had ____, what would you do?"
"If you could ______, would you?"
That type of thing.  Just weird or fun day dreams.

So I'm playing that game and its still ______.  Blank.

"What would you do if your mom is diagnosed with _____?"

And I cant fill it in...

I've had this thought lately of metabolizing emotions.  I'm sure its a theory out there, I haven't cared to google it, I'm just tinkering with it in my own head.  Pretty straight forward comparison.  Digestion of food = digestion of emotions.  How we use it for energy, what it does to our system, the taste/flavor, absorption, etc.  Do we like it?  Is it good for us?  Do we want more?  Do we need more?  Should we be dieting on this?  On and on.
So this _____ is like that food you saw when you were a kid, where you slammed your mouth closed and refused to eat it.  Wouldn't even try it.  It was just "Nope, not eating that shit."

Except, now I'm an "adult." And sometimes they serve something you don't want, but you have to eat it.
And sometimes you don't have any control.  You cant slip out, you cant dump the food, you cant pass it to someone.

So they fed this thing and I really cant get it down.  I thought I could.  Had I played the ______game, prior to, I would've been real cocky ass and said how I'd swallow it whole.
But this was a few days ago.

My mom has had a series of health issues, from what I know, around 25 years or so.  Pretty consistent doctors visits and scares.  It seems to always have a doctor say "Well, not really sure how it happened but," and then 2 weeks later, shes ok and back home.
And all along, probably as a defense mechanism, I figured any one of these trips, could be thee trip.  I think I started that weird little game back in 1994 when this started.
So when I heard she went in with breathing issues, I wasnt overly concerned.  "She'll be fine."

But this one has gone differently.
Tests and pictures found masses and nodules.  In a few days we were told liver cancer, then I think pancreatic cancer and today she told me "it's in the lungs."

But it just really hit me this week and I cried for the first time.
I'll behave very normal, very stoic, but when I turn the corner or get in my car... it's hard.

The what would I do game?
"Jay, what would you do if your mom was diagnosed with a handful of cancers and you knew time was very limited?
I coach the situation.  In this case, it means that I'll do everything I can to make sure she has fun and laughs and has hope until the end.  I'll keep her thinking about the summer and the garden.  I'll keep her focused on eating right.  I'll keep her thinking about seeing the girls plays or concerts and set them on the calendar, we'll keep planning things.  I'll keep her focused on rehab and getting strong.  I'll keep focused on going home and enjoying the house and upcoming birthdays.  I will not let her feel like she's dying, no matter what any doctor or test or stats say.

Sunday, January 15, 2017


Everyone's a critic looking back up the river

Every boat is leaking in this town 
Everybody's thinking that they'll all be delivered
Sitting in a box like lost and found

I was having a conversation w a friend who... well... was on some psychedelics.  I asked him what happened, what he felt, on and on.  
His memory was spotty for details but was really confident in the feelings he came out with.   He said "I don't remember exactly, but it felt like I was in a foggy space, but it wasn't foggy... like a dream, you know but you don't know... and I kept bumping into "myself."  Every time I tried to move, versions of "myself," bumped into me and slowed me down."
I thought this was extremely insightful.  Now, I'm no specialist on psychedelia, but if this is the type of insight and knowledge you walk away with... I'm impressed.  He then said it made him feel more confident because he felt it was a direct analogy to his life and things he's done relating to every aspect of life.  He continually got in his own way.  Once he saw it from this angle, it the issues became clear.   Reminded me of one of the opening scenes in The Doors movie where they quoted William Blake, “If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite."

But I found my place and it's alright
We all searching for our better way 
Got yours off my plate, it's alright
I got my own way to believe

Kinda going through some transitions and seeing some things from new and different angles.  All rooted in experience I guess, which really can cover anything, so that's kind of a wimpy way of writing it.  But you do have to go through a particular curtain to find a new angle.  Right now, I just feel a very strong pull to get as far away from any negative energy as possible.  Even being near an ego with bad intentions bugs me.  Almost like sitting near a racist.  You how you know one, but you sure don't sit with him at lunch or share ideas.  You're just not on the same "team," right?  Same thing here.  I feel their greedy little wicked ego and I move my seat.

Find a lighthouse in the dark stormy weather

We all could use a sedative right now
Holy rollers sittin with their backs to the middle 
All hands on deck, sinking is the bow

I was doing some people watching... wondering how much of life they enjoyed or enjoy.. did they, are they capitalizing?  Did they, are they, making the most of it?
Or did they go into debt?
Did they work 20 years at a job they hated?
Did they/do they travel?
Did they/do they have any goals?
Did they/do they experience this?
Or did it/does it whip they asses?
Not judging, wondering.  Because I'm actually wondering about myself.  Am I a passenger or driver?  I wonder all the time.  And when the wonder creeps in, I grab the wheel and turn it, hard.  Just to prove to myself I still can and this is not a dream.  It might be a moment, it might be a really fast 80 years or 40, but its an opportunity to find pleasure and enjoyment and that's why we are here.
We are not here to be a part in this countries economy, that's just a crazy game we all play.  Real life monopoly.  We don't have to, we choose to.  I'm on team ENJOY LIFE.  Whatever that may be, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.  I can do anything I want to.  So can you.  Sounds so brave at a keyboard, sitting at kitchen table, but its true.  You just to, we all just have to fight the fears.

And if you wanna have to pray, it's alright

We all be thinking with our different brains
Get yours off my plate, it's alright
I got my own way to believe

WE have to fight the fears and panic and anxiety, right?  The come along, they creep in like a storm.  One drop of water hits the windshield and we go "ah, shit, looks like rain," and then it comes.  Thats panic and anxiety.  We see it coming and we have choices. We can try to take shelter and wait for it pass safely, or we drive straight into it at 100mph and crash or recognize it for what it is... our own minds.  If this were a movie, this is where I'd freeze the rain drop right in front of the camera....
The fear/panic/anxiety is created by our own minds and we can control it.  Again, not being the know it all behind the lap top, but I have struggled with this immensely and still o to a degree.  I've psyched myself out of a lot of things.  But read it again.  I HAVE psyched MYSELF OUT of a lot of things.  I take ownership.  I did it to myself.  No one gave me the fear, I scared myself.  No one said anything to make me panic, I made up a worst case scenario and fell apart.
Lesson learned.  Now I see a storm coming, I pause or try to, and think "How funny."

It's ok

Sometimes you find yourself 
Having to put all your faith
In no faith 
Mine is mine, and yours won't take its place
Now make your getaway

True story.  I was walking through a business and noticed a light was on that didn't need to be, so I turned it off.
Someone asked, "why did you do that?"
I said "why not?"
They said "you don't pay the bill."
So what?  
If you see something to do, do it. Do the right thing.  If someone has a blinker on, let them in, why not?  Why bother building this asshole mentality?  someone behind you in line with 1-8 items or so and you have a cart full, let them in.  Hold a door for someone.  Over tip.  Be extra nice to the cashiers at the grocery store or gas station.  Why not?  Why not put energy into being nice and helpful and combat the negative?

Science says we're making love like the lizards

Try and say that fossils ain't profound
Simon says that we are not allowed to consider
Simon says "Stand-up. Sit-down. You're out!"

A guy said "we thought you were going crazy," in regards to my resent posts. 
I laughed but thought just the opposite.  Crazy compared to this?  It could look that way.  I think its rather un-crazy though.  
The difference, to me, between crazy and un-crazy, is fear.  Crazy is scared shitless.  Crazy is afraid to lose and fail.  Crazy is attached to things that arent theirs.  
I dont have those fears. 

But I found my place, and it's alright

Bearing witness to some stranger days 
Get yours off my plate, it's alright
I got my own ways to believe

How to go un-crazy.... takes a long, long time.  You have to screw up a lot.  You have to buy in and then gamble it all and lose. Then buy in again.  You have to see birth and death.  You have to go to the bottom and then find a way out, alone.  You have to see time is not linear, but circular.  
And do it over and over, like washing the Doors of Perception and everything will appear as it is, Infinite.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Momentum and Howard Hanna

I don't really do New Years resolutions, but not for the typical douchy "Should've been working on the goals in November!" or "Why wait for  date on a calendar to change?" reason... But kinda for those reasons.  All in all, whatever works for you and helps curve that momentum to start working for you.
See, I'm not into resolution's and drastic changes.  I have a funny feeling we can google some stats on that and see the numbers aren't very favorable.
Does that mean we're screwed??? It's New Years Day for Gods sake!

My recommendation, don't make any wild, life changing resolutions, until you do a couple things first.

1) Internal Inventory & Assessment
I'll use myself as the example here.  There are some things I'm targeting, but I don't have dates on them.  They are goals I have for... now, I guess.  It's not an "Accomplish goal x by 4/1/17," kinda thing but more of a life work thing, so its what I work towards everyday.  But the finality, the end result, there isnt a date.
In the past, I've freaked out.  I've panicked, I've quit, I've looked for excuses or reasons for coming up short, and I've failed and felt sorry for myself.
So I know to reach my goals, those are the things I need to work on.  I need to work on my overall patience and trust failure.  You'll read all day on motivational pics on instagram, how valuable failing really is and everyone who's ever succeeded, has failed.  Many, many times.
It's ok to blow it, as long as you learn.

So when I write about the internal inventory & assessment, thats the analysis needed to make sure you reach the goal you have inside.  You can say "I'm going to start at the gym and lose 25lbs by March," and it's a really solid goal, but if you don't have the tools inside to keep that commitment, you will fail.
Sit down with a pen and paper and write your own pros and cons, as if you are your own boss or coach, this is something I do ALL the time.  I have a voice in my head, a friendly coach, who honestly critiques my work and behavior, pros and cons.  To grow and move forward, we have to find ways to be honest with ourselves and we cant blame external forces or circumstances for everything.  Can we get screwed?  Sure, that can happen.  But there's also room for personal ownership even in that.
Go through your strengths and weaknesses before setting the new years goals.  Identifying these will help you recognize issues and possible resistance within, or self sabatoge.  Or you may end up finding bigger goals inside and see how well equipped you are to take on more.  Maybe you have a business plan inside or a book, and with a some tweaks in time management (watching tv or playing with your phone), you can free up an extra hour per day to get after that plan.  And 1 hour per day... do that math (times 7, times 30, times 12.. that's a lot of free time).

My inside work right, I'm working on patience with myself.  Not just being more patient as a person, but actually towards myself.  I have habits of beating the shit out of myself if things dont go as planned or a vision falls short.  I need to be better at massaging those external forces to work with my path and to continue moving, despite set backs.

2) External Inventory & Assessment
Once you have that internal list taken care of, check out the outside, but dont lean too heavy here.  We all know getting things done is an inside job, however, seeds grow best in great, healthy soil.  When we want to plant a garden, if we want to reap the benefits of the seeds, we take care of the soil first.  We rototill, we remove weeds and and clay, we make sure our area is planned out well so there is plenty of sun shine and the plants are damaging each other.  Right?  So as we head out on our journey through life, we need to make sure we treat ourselves the exact same way.  We will not grow fully in bad soil with limited sunshine.  Will we grow?  Sure, but not as full and beautiful as we could have or should have, had we taken the steps and been brave enough to put in the work early.

Do you have friends or family members planting weeds in your mind or trying to keep you in the shade?  You know what to do.  Start treating yourself with the same advice you'd give your best friend or a child.

Exercise:  Write a letter to yourself.  Address it as "Dear _______, I've been noticing...." and just write.  What do you want to see yourself do to feel better or to live better?  Offer that advice right here and become your own best friend and life coach.

As above, so below.  As in, so is out.  As you read those two sections, you may have seen how they'll cross over into each other and maybe you already started the self talk and analyzing.  Maybe you started thinking of where things will be difficult, that's ok.  See it as a challenge for yourself.  When you know you're headed towards one of your perceived weaknesses, get excited for it and lock in, focus.  You may find the weakness wasn't really a weakness, but more of a lack of experience.  After a few rounds with this foe, you may find its really a strength.

If anything, adjust your momentum.  You really don't need to make any bold proclamations and go nuts.  Just push the energy in a direction, recognize it, commit to it and enjoy it.  Think about momentum.  Let that be a word in place of habit.  

Along those lines of momentum, inventory and assessment, self coaching, etc. be very mindful of self talk.  Know that what you say out-loud, to yourself, whether emotions or opinions, whatever it may be, it will manifest internally and become something.  Feelings are not facts.  They come and go and they're moody.  They might be real, but they might be total bullshit too.  So be careful with what you say you love or hate, who you feel what for, on and on, you know what it is.


Last week, I resigned with my old office, the Howard Hanna branch in town and I'm pretty excited about it.  Really only touching on here, not as an ad (but DEFINITELY call me asap to go touring!) but more about this self talk.
I've been an agent for a couple years now, and set my license aside for about a year, telling myself things like "it's not me," or "they wont believe this is me," and weird bs like that.  I was sticking myself in a box, all in my own head.  Apparently, being in the gym is believable, or working shipping/receiving somewhere is believable, but not being an excellent real estate agent... pretty weird.   I remember psyching myself out when I'd have to meet someone selling their home, already thinking "they're going to think I'm a dumb meat head."  Why?!?!  Look how weird that even reads.  I remember one day, I was meeting a man who was selling his home and I wanted to represent him.  I literally remember pulling in and making eye contact and thinking "He knows I'm a f'n personal trainer," and the deal never happened.
The deal never happened because my confidence was trash and my self doubt was incredibly high and for no reason at all.  I crushed my state and federal exams.  Knew the info so well, I didn't even have to read the full question before knowing the answer.  The knowledge was there, the processes were there, what was the hang up?  Belief and confidence because I had terrible self talk and sabotaged myself.
So this was something I always knew I had in  my back pocket and could go back to one, something I very much wanted to do. I truly enjoy real estate business.  It's fun, its constant, its always interesting, and most importantly, you are serving people and improving lives.
The last thought should've been my #1 all along.  Because it hit me last week... whats the difference when I walk into a gym vs a home?  Meeting a new gym member vs meeting someone who wants to buy or sell a home?
I was listening to an audio book recently and I forget the President that was referenced, but this was back in 30's or 40's, and a media member was interviewing the President and he referenced that the President came from a family of laborers. the intent of the reference was to highlight this media members idea of "He's a laborer, what could he know about being a President?" The President replied "Yes, with a great reputation for impeccable workmanship, attention to detail, punctual delivery and unquestionable work ethic."
In essence, how you do anything is how you do everything. I know of my reputation as a trainer and coach and its not because I've discovered a new range of motion in the human body, but because of how I take care of people. My customer service, my communication, my work ethic to see them (the client) meet x goal, those are the things that make a great trainer and have and will continue to guide me through a very successful real estate career.
(see that positive self talk right there?  I'm practicing!)

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Who's the Crazy Guy Talking To Himself at CVS?

We'd end a session and hours later receive a text, something like "Good workout, thanks."  My reply would usually be "Strong Work!" and something else about the session.
Then I dropped of some free passes to a friend who started her own business and it was kinda cool walking out and seeing her name on the front.  I sent a text a while later, "Strong work..."

Stepping through a barrier, like an invisible curtain, we see a goal or a vision and we wonder, "Can I...?"
"Can I Step through?"

And if you do, when you do, when any of us decide to, we can turn around and look back at what was, peaking back through the curtain we walked through to become who we currently are, and have new perspective.  A new line of vision, an experience.

Maybe that's the curtain, experience.  You have to go through it to have the vision.

For anyone brave enough to change their momentum, to risk  what they think they have, to gamble with their heart... strong work.  None of it is easy and no one can know you're path and feel what you feel but you.


I was standing in line at a CVS, waiting on a woman in front of me to be taken care of by the cashier.  It was a bit busy, seemed a touch under-staffed, when an employee came frantically shuffling in, "I'm here!  I'm here!," apparently late.  She then raised her candy proclaiming "I walked in with this, I am not buying it here, this is mine!  This is mine!"
And a couple things about her behavior sent me into spectator mode, but nothing more than hearing someone yell "This is mine!"
It sounded childish.
Then I started talking to myself...

Why is that childish?
Well, who yells like that?
Maybe she was in trouble once for taking candy.
No, who yells something is theirs?
Oh, here we go... 
Nothing is yours.
Please stop...
Well, it's true.  Think about it.
I'm really, really tired of thinking about it.
Well, just know nothing is yours.
Nothing?  Really?
Just your consciousness.
And mind.
Eh, depends.  Some people have one but lend it out to others, so
So this is... a bullshit conversation.
Say what you like.  Our bodies are on rental, just as our minds.  When we go, what's "ours?"
So how do you know our consciousness continues?
Don't-don't, don't bother answering, I've had enough!


"What do you want for Christmas?"
Might be immaturity, might be an obsession, might be boring, might be nerdy, but my answer hasn't changed in 25 years.
"Anything Pearl Jam or Penn State," and we can add Star Wars as well, I recvd a really nice Storm Trooper bee coozy this year.

This year, when anyone asked what I asked for, I hesitated because my first answer was "Time."
How can I receive more time?
Yes, bills are important so I need money, but I really need time.
You know when you play a video game and you can drive the car over that "15 SECS," marker and BAM, you added 15 bonus seconds to your score?  That's what I was looking for.
Maybe its being 39 or maybe its that I've walked through a good handful of those mystery curtain I referenced up top... but to have control of seconds would be a wonderful super power.  To turn it back, to add to it, to make changes, to see more clearly... ultimate mindfulness with clarity of space and time.... sounds like  float tank experience actually.

That curtain idea... there's something there.  Walking through, looking back, cleaning off, being new, everything that curtain can do, it gives perspective on time.

I wonder, its about to be 2017, what kind of culture are we now?
What kind of tribe am I near?
Are our eyes looking up or down?  Are we optimistic?  Or scared?
Are we still looking externally for answers?
That's the great irony of my job, right?  
Sooooo many people have come to me requesting to be changed on the outside, 
(and I fully respect the clients wishes), but you know my aim is internal.  

It's an inside job... but who is still sleep walking through this thing thinking their time is unlimited?  Again, the beauty of time is we'll never see our clock.  It really is the joy of life and acceptance of death, right?  Isn't that why we're searching for our lives have purpose?  Or supposed to be?
My purpose... Sometimes I don't know because it seems secondary.  I'm not the guy, but I might be the guy that's going to inspire thee guy, to make the great shit happen.  I like that.

Someone sent a pic the other day that read something like "A coach will effect more lives in one year than most will their entire lives."
At first I blew it off "Eh, none of this is that big," but then I stopped talking to myself like an asshole and accepted it.  Yes, its true and pretty f'n awesome.  I saw it like a pyramid, and I'm no where near the top, I'm deep in the middle.  With anyone who inspired me, touching me and then me passing it on and then they pass something on and so on.  And we're all a part of this breathing, living, organism of inspiration and positivity... That's pretty wild to think of, right?  So the more connected I am, the more aware I am, the better I am, the better the soil and seed.  And we all have that.  We all have that possibility.  We all have our own avenues to spread what we feel is important.  I spread my thing, you spread yours, if its all good stuff, then its all good stuff and we all win.   Sound good?  When everyone's successful, everyone's successful, we don't need to find for sun shine, there's plenty for everyone.  And I don't need a payback.  I don't need an IOU.  I just need you to keep passing it along.  Whatever someone does for you, your debt is to anyone you ever touch, not just the guy who gave you $10.  Right?  Someone hooks me up, I owe him and than anyone near me, it's energy.
You light me up, I'm not going to hog the light, I'm going to share it w you and you and you.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Get Some

Imagine it's a TV show, right?  It's a sci-fi... no, it's a sci-fi/comedy/tragedy/indie flick... and you're the star.
And we're on this enormous rocket of sorts... a great round rocket, flying through outer-space.  And we're on this journey towards another place, cruising at thousands of miles per second, not entirely sure we'll make it with our fuel and everything else on board.  We know its out there, we have faith we'll find it, but we just dont know for sure.
Things happen, right?  People on the rocket fight or get along, its wild.  Sometimes its all good, sometimes its chaos.  An occasional meteor skips past us and "Whew, close call."  Every now and then, some wild man tries to take over the rocket and screw us all over, but good always prevails at the end of the episode.
Then you have that one scene... the big moment.. and you forget your line.
Producer comes in "CUT CUT CUT! You F'd that all up, do it again!"

All of that is a true story, except the producer part. There are very few second takes here and no one is popping to save your ass if you're not ready.

This is life.
And life is like a coach, loaded with lessons and coaching moments to pay attention to.  Sometimes in coaching, the "player," is resistant.  A player can sign up for game or sport, they want to play, but they don't want the coaching.  They think they know a better way.  This is life.  Very rarely, does a player behave this way, resistant, and turn out being right.  This is the point of the coach (life).  To show the lessons, to highlight a path, the player must see it, understand it and trust the path.  The coach can even let the player fail, to learn the lesson.  If the player doesn't learn, it will be retaught again.  And again, and again, until the player learns the lesson, learns the way and trusts the path.
All in all, the player cannot move forward to D, E,  and F, until the ABC's are learned, understood and mastered.  If player cannot handle the basics, they certainly are not equipped to move on and handle anything bigger or more complex.
The path that is referred to is your intuition.  This is what life is trying to shine light on.  How many times have you been questioned or in a situation and you knew the answer, but some goofy voice steered you elsewhere?  And when it was said and done, you thought "sob... I knew the answer, I just didnt trust myself."   So how do you know it when it speaks to you?  How do you know the difference between intuition and desire or greed, intuition from want?  Or intuition vs fear and safety or comfort?  Even intuition vs what looks like the obvious answer?  Sometimes the answers are right there but we question it.  Right?  We really like laying in bed with comfy sheets and pillows, but not much happens there... well, you know what I mean.  We have to get up.  So that voice that says "Hit the snooze," he's a lazy shit voice.  Which is why its vital to wake up and move your body.  Wake up, breathe, move, stretch, get that computer out of sleep mode.
I've learned you can't tell people to "follow your instincts," if they don't know how to hear them or even know when they are communicating.

I believe this is a very gray area and one I'm still challenged with.... or my intuition is ker-aaaazy, as anything.  99% of the time, I feel very solid and comfortable with my intuition, but there is that 1% where that inner monkey wants out and now.  That monkey is a Jimi Hendrix, Dennis Rodman, Jim Morrison animal.  So I ask "Will this hurt myself?  Will this hurt anyone or anything else?"  If those questions are safe, I'm good to go.  

Movement is medicine for the soul.  Science will absolutely show you how x time with your heart rate at y will release some delicious feel good brain chemicals and give you that high or body buzz.  Doubt that? for a session or yoga class, anytime, I'll show you.  Now, I dont have the education to articulate the actual connections, but I know this because I've lived it.  I often reference or write about certain "therapies," and I roll them into one conversation for a couple different reasons.  
For your instincts and intuition to be on point more often than not, your brain must be awake and alive and active.... AND then it needs to reboot and flush out bullshit and learn new programs and reinstall a fresh anti-virus.

Just as life is coach, so are we.  The books we read, the shows we watch, the people we surround ourselves with... all coaches.  What can be learned?
Trust, empathy, love, pleasure, kindness, to be open minded, on and on.  Creativity, caring, etc.  But you have to be open to the coaching.  If you dont see it and learn it and feel it now, thats because you're not paying attention of maybe you need some better coaching.   Could be, I think thats honest.  Thinking of a football field, I've seen coach A fail with a guy and coach B succeed.  No ones fault at all, some people just learn differently.  Some prefer books, some documentaries, some a Jimi guitar solo.  
What you learn, how you see it, is completely up to you.  You can see this ride with yourself as a passenger or the driver, maybe both at times.

What I know is this.... never stop moving, thinking, listening, challenging yourself, sweating, loving, dancing, helping.  Life is a plant, a tree, with berries and fruits and many different flavors to be picked and sampled.  Say yes.
I'm 39 and still learning every single day.  I actually think I've accelerated greatly over the last 5-8 years.  In your 20's, you're kind of still cruising through that young momentum, pretty much following that path someone else sent you on.  Then you hit a little turbulence where you go "Oh shit... I didnt know _____," and traffic patterns change.  Then you're in your 30's trying to re-figure it out or figure out exactly what you're comfortable with or becoming, which why i tell young people to travel early, meet people, see things, school isnt going anywhere, none of it is.  Anything you want, will always be available.  If you want it and its right, it'll be there when you want it, how you need it (learn).  When you're in your 40's.... how the shit would I know?  But dont think for a second I'd say "When I'm 49, I'll be ______," because i'll be way off.  I might be running 6 gyms, I might own a yoga studio, I might be sitting in a jungle in South America, or maybe I wont be here at all.
All we have is NOW.  Tomorrow is a maybe.

(Want a free drug tip?  Sit in front of a laptop, with a blog app and Jimi blaring away... some wild shit might pop out.)

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Just Say Yes

When I'm feeling it, I pause and look around and wonder where the possibilities are.  They're here/there, always around.  But if you're staring at a phone or your feet or some troubles you're imagining for the future, you'll never see them floating right past you.
And then you'll never be exposed or open to new thoughts or a new idea, a new person or a new experience. You'll just keep circling around the same shitty momentum you're riding right now... a skip-skip-skipping record.  Blah.

I vote to say yes.  Whatever it is.  Next thing that pops up, tell that annoying little buzz kill voice to shut the hell up and say yes.  And don't question that decision.  Like riding the coaster... you got in line, you entered the car, your strapped in... no sense in questioning right or wrong now, better enjoy this and dive in.
Have a new experience.  Saying no, does what?  It just shuts off possibilities.  Saying yes, opens them up.  Saying no, ends the conversations, ends the opportunity of new, of learning and experiencing something unique.  Saying yes however, does the opposite.  Anything is possible in yes.  Zero is possible in no.
Think of it like the water hose in your yard.  No = no water, no fun.  We'll just sit and twiddle our thumbs.  Yes, however... imagination.  We can play in that, we can make believe and have fun.  We can fill up a pool or a slip n slide.  We can water grass or plants.  We might make a mess too, but we'll never know if we said no.  We might waste a lot of water, but we'd never know if we said no.  But we'll have fun and learn, right?  If we screw it up and flood the yard and waste it, we now know.  which is the opposite of... no.  
No doesn't know anything.  No just knows habit and fear of the unknown.

Heard Aubrey use this term, "pleasure monkeys," and I laughed because it reminded me of broken monkeys... thinking of ourselves as an evolved chimp is just more fitting than anything else.  But he was referring to all the "pleasure buttons," we have installed in us and how hard we work to say no to them.  To feel guilty about them.  A lot of us have been raised to feel guilty or fearful or weird about our pleasure buttons.  I know many people who are awkward in their own bodies and cant let that guard down, anywhere.  You'd be amazed.
Myself, about 80% of my life, I've been really ok saying fuck it and let it fly.  My moments or phases where I didnt, it was because I was living with fear.  Without fear, there's no no's.  Without fear of loss, fear of "without," without fear of death... there's perspective.  And its a wiggly route to find that view.  But you can... want to know where it is?  I wont write about it, but buy me a couple IPA's and probably right around #3, I'll tell you allllll about it.

If I stopped writing these bizarre thoughts, you might think everyone around you is "normal."
And normal us boooooooooring.
The crayola 8 color box sucks.
I want the 64 set.
And then melt a handful of them to create a brand new thing.

Nothing feels quite this good...
This thing is a damn animal.
I've found maybe 2-3 things in life that can even come 
close to entering this level of wow... 
You know... I wrote all those soul thoughts a bit ago and just wrote that last one...
and its kinda all along the same lines, right?  
Finding, accepting and then releasing the real you, right?
You get that part?
So I watch this... and I really don't see a human.  

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Suicide & Love

One of those -Stare at the screen thinking of the best to get after it- kinda moments...

I posted this pic
With this caption
Lost myself for a minute there... people starting babbling about $100,000/salary and my ego went bonkers, tried to flush my whole self down the drain and create a new thing.
Day 1, I thought "hm, this is the opposite of what @thedolcediet did..." (Mike left 6 figures to roll the dice on his dream job, and won). Took me about 2 weeks of panic attacks to admit I screwed up.
Lesson: well, first I need to read my own damn blogs. It was all right there, I just ignored it.
Second: you absolutely have to, have to, hafta, work a job that makes you wake up wo an alarm. A job that drives you. A job you'd work even if the money wasn't there. You have to find and work your passion and let the chips fall wherever they may.
I didn't need $100,000 5 years ago, I don't need it now. Don't worry about you bank acct, worry about your heart acct. worry about how you're filling that up and you'll be set for life. There's your retirement plan.

And in the beginning I said I'd never censor myself and I'd share everything, but I didn't follow through.  Instead, I wrote very abstract and dropped clues along the way.  I think partly the "views," got in my head and I tightened up a bit.  If you know 200+ are about to read you're crazy ass thoughts, some of those being minors, you cant help but weigh your words.  
But, if I kept it all, if we kept it all and didnt share, how would we learn?  
How would we learn from each other?
Or know we can relate to each other?
Things might get mighty lonely.  
So here is a true story... zero censorship.


As some of you may know, I work for Titans Gym.  Right now, I run marketing & promotions for all 4 gyms (Mentor, Cleveland, Twinsburg & Streetsboro), so its a pretty full, fun job.
One thing I try to do often, is connect us with like minded, useful businesses.  I look for ways to create benefits for members in their community, things like coupons or discounts with their membership card.  Basic things like that.  So with being downtown and Lakewood just 5 minutes away, I contacted the Float center there (Optimal Wellness Center).  As most of you know, I've been "floating," for a little while (a little over 3 years I think), fairly consistently given my schedules and drive time, I guess.  I've found tremendous benefits there, but I've also had some scares (more on that later).
So I email inquiring about a possible partnership, benefits flowing in both directions, etc., just to test the waters... no pun intended.  

Within a day, somone responds and we set up a time to meet.  

Now, those of you who know me, you know there's very little I do that's "normal."  My personal training isn't what you'd expect, my yoga isn't what you'd expect, my coaching on the football field definitely isn't what you'd expect, on and on.  So this business mtg.. I think it was a very pleasant surprise for both of us.  Started off talking about a business alignment and what seemed to be a brief 20 minute thing, turned into a conversation about Ben Harper, life after death and psychedelics.  

Ummm what did you just say?
Hang in there... 

Now the story detours and connects with my above post.
I'm offered a job, kind of recruited.  I'm brought in, there's an interview process of sorts, and flashed some serious earning potential... something I've never really thought about.  
I've never made much money.  I've always had a very strange relationship with money.  I see it, I see its need, but I also think it's over-rated.  I also now know there's nothing I can do about how we value it, sad but true.  
So I leave the gym and personal training to head off on this new golden trail of dollar signs, "You can f around and make $70,000," was all I had to hear.  
The day 1 I wrote about above in the post, that was an actual thought.  Because twice per week, someone would come in and speak about our goals and what motivates us.  Really, really good speakers too.  The kind of guys that could make great high school coaches in some way.  
Problem was, they wouldn't shut up about goals and motivation and it effected me... because my goals were never money.  My motivation was never a bank account.  Had I been left alone in an office to perform x job, I may have stuck it out.  But they just couldn't stop asking me "What drives you?  What motivates you?  What is your dream?"

My dream is, was and will probably always be, to teach.  I want to be a teacher.  I currently am a teacher, just not in a school.  But yes, I want to teach in a school too.  Just two nights ago, I was playing a game with Livi, my 10 year old where I have to pretend to be her age and she interviews me.  She asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  A teacher.  Then I asked her the same... "Happy."  

So through a series of texts, emails and a mtg., I head back to Titans... but this time, with some insight and renewed energy.  I felt what it was like to work solely for a paycheck and it was empty, for me.  If anything it gave me more empathy for those who haven't found their thing yet, or those who know their thing but cant do it yet.  I see how lucky I am to do what I do and have the opportunity I have.  

Then, two days back on the job, I get another email from the wellness center, same girl from before, asking if I'm free to meet Dr. Jordan this week. 
I am.  
I knew nothing going in.  I never really research anything before a mtg., I dont want to create a story or a picture at all, I want it all to play out as natural as a couple guys sitting at a bar.  

The room reminded me of my old yoga room... cozy, wood paneled flooring, but a sectional couch on one end.  This is where we sat.  
We talked about exchanging website links and discounts between us involving the float tanks and gym memberships.  As we went on, he would reference a book, classes and appointments.  I asked "What else goes on here?" and he kinda laughed and said "well... theres a lot to that," and he told me his history.
And as he spoke, telling his story, he was telling me everything I 've ever thought... all the crazy shit I thought I daydreamed one day, he teaches it.  He may have seen me staring at him, like Luke watched Yoda (if you dont get that reference... ugh!) But I did... I had to tell myself "blink idiot!  Stop staring, glance around, look natural..." as he went on and on.  
Kind of a frustrated chiropractor... he would fix and re-fix and basically eventually said "I need to find how and why this happening," so he redirected his efforts to the roots of it all.  Movement, nutrition and how emotions and the mind-body connection can heal, repair, prevent and create.  

See why I was in awe?  How many times have you heard me reference this or talk about it?
I finally found a guy to say it in front of me, not a book written in India.  

I asked him "How do you keep your energy up?  Or how do you re-energize?"  This is an issue I've always had and why I've stopped teaching yoga, start again, stop again, etc.  Even in coaching or training, I've struggled to re-load my energy, I soak up too much.  Even around people that have tress, drama or pain, I feel it and it drains me... I cant figure out to reload.  

Then I asked ""Do you ever feel bad charging money?"  Another major issue I've had and one reason I closed the yoga room (or so I thought... keep reading).  He laughed and asked "Do you feel bad breathing?  Isn't there enough air for us all?"
Me: Yes, but I feel its just something I'm good at and I can give it away or teach people to do it without me.
Dr. J:  Why are you judging how the best way for them to continue?  If you stopped charging money, you'd have to find money elsewhere... which would give less time to train and less energy to give to your clients.
I dont mind being wrong and was happy he shed light on this for me, so I told my story about leaving the gym for money.  Pretty much the same thing I wrote above. 

He leaned in and asked "How often do you think about suicide?"
The room seemed to get dead silent. 
Even with a 3rd person in the room, I didn't hesitate.  
Dr. J:  How far do you go?
Me:  I'm still here.
Dr. J: Your behavior, is suicidal.  You've consistently created situations where you'll hurt yourself.   How long has this been happening?
Me:  As long as I can remember.
Dr J: Why?

I don't want to quote what I said because the order of things gets a little shaky trying to remember it exactly... things were intense.  But I told him "I never feel home," and "I always feel like I'm looking for my tribe," something a shrink said to me a long time ago.  
I've left everything at some point, blaming myself or something odd, for it not working.  Jobs, people, friends, schools, teams, gyms, you name it.  I've either left or created an environment where they had to remove me (I am mostly referring to my younger days).  

He explained that its a reoccurring pattern and something I do, I have done and will continue to do until I can adjust and see it in a proper perspective.  "Your problem is you deny your level of consciousness. You hold it back and down and it needs to be free.  That's why you dont feel home, thats why you cant find a tribe... but look at us... we are here..."

And it was such an intense eye opening moment for me.  I told him how I used to have a certain energy, a way about things but it faded...
"You ignored it, you tried to let it die," and he compared everything to life and death.
We can make decisions to breed life and grow.
Or we can make decisions to suffocate ourselves and die. 
Its a thought I always knew, but ignored.  I've probably written it 100x.  

Everyday is a choice.  Every moment is a choice.  How we eat, what we watch, how we speak to people, how we treat each other, how we love, its all a choice.  I've called it a vote before remember that?
Remember when I wrote "Broken Monkeys?"
Or any of that primal stuff I'd write about?  All the "let your soul lead," it was all along these lines.  In this blog, its been like a light trying to crack through again... I just didn't read my own words.  

"Jason, the world has enough martyrs, we need leaders.  We don't need heros, we need chiefs.  You left to sell insurance because you thought it was the noble thing... but your system rejected it... instead of selling insurance to take care of families after a mother or father dies, sell the insurance, your training, to take care of them all while they're still here... thats the real insurance policy."
I broke the seriousness and asked if I could steal that line.
"Have it, its all of ours."


Thinking about my personal training, I have rejected it in the past.  People have consistently said "this is the best thing I do," in seeing me, referring to their daily/weekly plans.
Its the movement.  The focus on breath.  The exhaustion.  I've always said my personal training, my bootcamps, its yoga.  That's why its good.  Its meditation wrapped up in movements to improve your body, posture, composition, cardio, etc. and you're healing every single day you do this.  You are actively progressing to live a longer, healthier, better life.  
I'm not the most educated, I haven't read all the books or been to the seminars.  I haven't been on a stage or made $100,000, I haven't won any championships and I'm not published in any magazine.  But I do know, when you come in to train w me, you will leave better off than you were when you began.  I really don't have an ego about anything really, the testimonials speak for me.

I do feel its time to own who I am and stop trying to kill him. Stop trying to kill the career, the relationships, the path, the body.  Again, that's not ego.   
But because of the lack of ego, I can hear you and see you.  Because I can see you, I can be useful to you.  Because I am useful,  I have life value and value in life.  A value that transcends the physical and is everlasting, because energy doesn't die.   Tissues die, cells die, bodies die, we know this and accept it.  The soul, the energy lives on.  You might be able to prove this, but you know it to be true. Because you can feel it, you may even dream it or see it in your head.  And if you can see it there, than it is real, because there, it can last forever.  

(when you're 22, listening to Jim Morrison, rooting for Dennis Rodman, reading Hunter S. Thompson... things are going to get weird).