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Monday, July 20, 2015

just a lil bit of water...


“Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.” 



---

so that one lingered...
I've always day dreamed of writing a book.  Wasnt quite sure what it would be, but always thought i had the nerve and dedication bouncing around my monkey brain.  thought about a compilation of everything I've already written here, cleaning it up, polishing it off and going from there.. i might.

But this Alan Watts quote stirred me up... I think because I always feel on the verge of quitting.  Everything.  As much as i'm here, I feel like one eye is always on the door... wondering, imaging.

I reread these and think what a dick... half this shit doesnt even make sense, its babble, its uppity hipster bullshit and all that...
But the other half reads that quote and thinks F it... write, let it go and dont look back.

Part of me strongly desires isolation.  To go away, to a quiet place and stay.  i remember being a weird kid at the pool or beach where i'd find a heavy rock or climb the ladder to the bottom and sit in silence, holding my breath as long as possible, just enjoying the sound of water.  Weird little (chubby) freak.
The other part thinks no no no... you've overcome quite a bit... you need to keep writing, keep sharing... even if one of these dumb sentences happens to stumble onto the right smart phone and the right person reads it at the time they need it... thats useful.  be useful.

But its difficult.  It kind of feels like treading in water... 5 foot waves... you can manage, you can tread and see some people when the water moves just right, but for the most part... you're alone.   You see them and yell HEY! and they HEY! back and wave, but the waves continue and they come and go.

"He was able to touch but slightly of reach."

Maybe this is why i loved the float tank so much.... wish it was closer... and i had more time.
Anyone want to buy me one??

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Coaching has hit the spot.  The speed of practice forces a very nice flow state that I'm not entirely sure the coach realizes he created... I should ask.  It's fast and we move from one session to the next with different areas of focus every 10 minutes, so for someone with anxiety or some ADD, it works very well.  As we move along, I find a very nice rhythm and zone where I can tap in right where I like it.  Not many places, outside of a pearl jam mix, where i've found it quite like this.  The drive is lengthy but I find advantages there too... some nice quiet time to listen to music or a podcast.

----

Remember when i said i'd quit if my goal wasn't reached?
I lied.
Not intentionally and no excuses, but things just changed.  My goal changed.  I guess that's ok.  right?  I kinda beat myself about it for a few days and wondered how i was going to explain it, but that was it... the goal just moved a bit.  Dropping the lbs is still there but not by the date and that's due to the programming.  The old goal and date demanded a heavier load of running than I was able to take care of, my lifting was going extremely well so i detoured and i'm ok with it.  So back then, i was beating myself up for feeling out of shape and needing to prove something.  in the process of the "detour," i kind of slipped into some power and ended up benching around 400lbs, pain free, and improved my squat form and weight dramatically.  Before, 225 was a challenge because of pain in the back/hips and shoulders.  Now, settling with reps around 285, pain free... good work.  The scale moves around here and there but the mirror is what i'm checking out.  Things are definitely getting more solid.  I'll tinker with some running and some yoga here and there, but I'll continue riding this wave where it takes me.
(get it?)

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When I young, a friend criticized me for always "pushing my thoughts," on people.... he said I should be a priest.  Unfortunately I still here it, minus the priest part.  I hope you're figuring out what I'm saying here... I really do believe I've tapped into something, a level of consciousness, that I didn't have or see or feel before and it changed me.  If I didnt write about it or share it, i dont think i'd talk much at all.
You cannot deny that their are drawers, closets, cabinets, locked away inside you... inside are the ingredients to how you became... your habits... your insecurities... your fears... your strengths... the how to, the why, to you... its right there.... dont you want to read it all?  dont you want to see it?  explore it?
theres a key to a lock, but you dont even know theres a lock... you just know "I'm ______!" and thats it.
I'm just type A, I'm just a bitch, I'm just a stressed person, I'm just this way, and on and on and on.. but i'll argue that, because no one is a title or a way...
I'm not you, we're different...
Very good... so me being me, I don't enjoy seeing damage and pain, so I do whatever i can to help you relieve the pain and discomfort.  Anxiety is pain and discomfort.  So is stress.  So is fear.
Maybe some know-it-all-D would say "they're choices, people choose their life." Eh, I agree and disagree.  You cant blame a Frenchman for not knowing how to speak English, no matter where he is.  some concepts are just foreign until its not.   I don't believe people know its a choice.  I don't believe people know where the light is, where the key is and where the lock is... then how to use it and what to do with it.  And i totally understand that some things read for hippy or know it all...
but I will always say and remind when needed, i come from a place where these tools were needed.  Had i not found this path, that actually began years ago, the story would have ended; but it didnt.

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And if you don't train with me you'd probably just read PERSONAL TRAINER... this is just my avenue to relieve pain and suffering... while turning you into a bad mofo!!!

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----

“It's like you took a bottle of ink and you threw it at a wall. Smash! And all that ink spread. And in the middle, it's dense, isn't it? And as it gets out on the edge, the little droplets get finer and finer and make more complicated patterns, see? So in the same way, there was a big bang at the beginning of things and it spread. And you and I, sitting here in this room, as complicated human beings, are way, way out on the fringe of that bang. We are the complicated little patterns on the end of it. Very interesting. But so we define ourselves as being only that. If you think that you are only inside your skin, you define yourself as one very complicated little curlique, way out on the edge of that explosion. Way out in space, and way out in time. Billions of years ago, you were a big bang, but now you're a complicated human being. And then we cut ourselves off, and don't feel that we're still the big bang. But you are. Depends how you define yourself. You are actually--if this is the way things started, if there was a big bang in the beginning-- you're not something that's a result of the big bang. You're not something that is a sort of puppet on the end of the process. You are still the process. You are the big bang, the original force of the universe, coming on as whoever you are. When I meet you, I see not just what you define yourself as--Mr so-and- so, Ms so-and-so, Mrs so-and-so--I see every one of you as the primordial energy of the universe coming on at me in this particular way. I know I'm that, too. But we've learned to define ourselves as separate from it. ” 
― Alan W. Watts



“How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself anything less than a god.” 
― Alan W. WattsThe Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are




Sunday, July 19, 2015

Burn Away My Mask - (Dear Asshole)

(I'm not clever... most of my titles are Lines of Pearl Jam songs)

I wouldn't say it was an accident, but it wasn't intentional... it was just a natural course of logic and common sense (or as I interpret it).  
I've made references to a bit and even the title of the actual blog site (@homebehindthesun)... but clearly, I prefer to write in codes and innuendos.
I just see things really different from most, for a really different reason and its isolating.

-----

I've had this pain in my throat for a couple weeks and all along I kept thinking "ugh, damn sore throat!" But it hit me today, its not a sore throat, its my throat chakra!  I have a blockage.  Would verbal ex-lax be an appropriate analogy? 
Lets see if this clears it up... 

Dear Asshole still flying a confederate flag,
Before I recognize it as anything else, I truly understand that it (that flag) represents a lack of intelligence, so I'll type at a 1st grade level (no offense to my 1st grade readers).
You said that flag represents your "forefathers."  Fair enough.   That being said, you should probably know that your forefathers were a group of violent racists who often beat, raped and killed other human beings for no reason.  The flag doesn't represent them or freedom, it represents violence and death, the same way the Nazi symbol represents.
For your asshole nephew rolling around NE Ohio with it on his Ford pick-up, you may be an even bigger moron.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you know nothing, other than you think it represents your racist views and in putting it on your half faded blue, half rust ride, you're now a scaaary rebel!  oooooh.  
Ya.  You're scary.  Because it shows how far we still are.

-

Dear Asshole who is so proud to be anti-gay you post some dumbass pro-white, pro-hetero, crap weekly,
I feel like you're related to the asshole above... do you know each other?  
"I dont mind dem queers, just as long as dey dont look at me," which I've heard countless times.  I actually love hearing that one and always reply the same way, "No worries there."  Noooot to be stereotypical, but I doubt this ones offensive, most gay people I've known have really great taste and standards.  So you really have nothing to be worried about.  Nearly every homophobic person I've ever met has been like... a 2-4?  So maybe they say this out of actual anger that they know they're not attractive enough to ever get hit on by a gay person?  Just a guess.

You're proud you're white.  You're proud you're married.  You're proud you have a job.  You're proud you're you...  Congratulations!  You won the lottery.  Seriously.  A lot of people arent that lucky to be born white and have an easier path.  You were probably never beat up for the color of your skin.  You were probably never beat for looking a certain way, dressing a certain way, or talking a certain way.  

-

(good follow up)
Dear Asshole who says "everyone has a fair chance,"
Again, I feel like you're related to the two previous assholes.  
Ummm, no.  It's not a fair chance, there is no even playing field.  If you're gay, black, female, mexican, disabled, or part of any minority group, its not even.  Even for sports, its not even.  Nothings even.  
Genetics are not even.  Opportunities are not even.  Our environments are not even.  We do not all get the same chances.   
So it is not a "fair chance," and yes the table is tilted towards particular groups and away from others.  Some are walking down hill their entire life and others are always climbing.  
So before you criticize government programs or changes in law, make sure you don't ever find yourself in a position to be asking for help or a "hand out."

-

Dear Asshole who says "Black history month?  Whens white history month!?"
The other 11 months.  sshh

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Dear Asshole who runs from lane 2 to lane 4 when it opens up even though you were last in lane 2 and the cashier said "whoevers next please step over,"
I want you to know that I daydream about kicking your cart over as you make your move and cut everyone off.  Then I stare at you, praying you look over so I can shake my head in disappointment and disgust. 
(true)

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Dear Asshole that stops calling friends over political or social beliefs,
ummm, buh bye.  
To the person who lost the asshole friend,
You'll be fine, they were flaky and weren't real friends anyway.  

-

(just had this argument last week)
When going to a wedding, you are supposed to pay for your dinner AND THEN a gift.  Its courtesy and should be common knowledge.

-

More tips for assholes:

Tip people on take out.
Don't look at your phone while people are talking.
Listen during conversations, don't just wait for your turn to talk.
Let people out of drive ways without speeding up and pressuring them to haul ass.
Do not dodge personal responsibility... for anything.  
Do not act like the expert, unless you actually are thee expert.  
Don't push your beliefs on other people...

wait a sec... was that one at me??  you son of a... how dare you?!?  

Guilty?

Then don't ask my opinion.

----

“Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.” 


Sunday, July 12, 2015

We'll just call him Doc (Ep 1) - Rocking Horse of Time

To keep the timelines somewhat... sturdy(?), we'll just call them all "Doc."  Him, her, 2015 or 2010, they were all just Doc.

*If that wasnt your cue to x out if you're looking for something "normal," or fitness based, well then this is.

This one has been paddling around the ole noggin for a few weeks but wasnt sure how to relay it.  Hence, Doc.
And the intro came to me today while walking listening to some music, when Release came on; ah-ha.
(Before reading on, understand the author is someone who fairly aggressively searches for answers and a means to fix his wiring. Internally, externally, emotionally, spiritually and any which ---lly his bored little brain can think of.  Do not think you know the author.  Read it clear, draw your own fresh pictures and erase what you think you know).

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As accurate as possible, real or perceived
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I met Doc a few years back to work through some trauma and search for questions/answers.    We spoke a few times, fairly general.  Throughout, I expressed my urge to move away from the area.  He asked where and how long, I had a vague destination but the length was forever.  Which is where the most basic of advice rolled in "Wherever you go, you may still have the same scenario."  And so we began to work.
He placed an old set of headphones on me, over-sized, foam around the edges to muffle most exterior noise, and gray w a spiral cord.  Attached was what seemed to be a radio tuner with a dozen or so knobs and switches.
The sound was a light static.  I could still hear him but he sounded distant and muffled.  He asked me to close my eyes, relax and listen carefully.  Obviously, my first thought was "ya right, I just met this freak and here I am w my eyes closed and cant hear anything around me..." but I did it anyway, I had nothing to lose.
"Just breathe."
And I did.
"Breathe in fully, inhale completely, control the exhale."
And I did... and soon, the static sounded like waves.  It began to sound like a subtle crash on shore, in and out, in and out.
"Where we are, we're going to walk..."
----
And I remember walking into the water... all the while hearing the waves and now a heart beat.
And I continued to walk deeper and deeper, under the water and I could hear Doc say "We're looking for a tunnel... inside the tunnel is a cabinet, go there."
I walked along the floor and eventually found myself drifting down into a dark tunnel.
The memory of walking into water was gone, I was floating, but without water, slowly working my way straight to the bottom.  I remember looking up and seeing light, then remembering "the cabinet, go there."
I remember spinning a bit, focusing on the heart beat and then it was there... a brown, rusted cabinet, three drawers high.
"I see it, I found it."
"Inside are files... files we need to open, to reopen... we'll stay here and wait until you feel ready."
I knew nothing of what we were looking for, of what he thought I needed to read inside the files.
But as I touched the cabinet, I heard music...
(just give the first 30 secs a go to feel it, its instrumental)
When the music began, and I recognized it, I cried.  I opened the drawer and there were countless manila folders, each with only a couple pieces of paper, or some with photos.
----

This was my introduction to another world, another level.  I now had a taste of a deeper level of consciousness, and began searching for paths back.
What else could be there?
What answers?  Or what new questions?
Are the roots to all of our habits, our insecurities, our dreams, buried out there?



Sunday, June 28, 2015

you clicked it...

...so you really can only be mad at yourself.

---

Reality for some...
Its kinda like those old television sets you see in the movies... the two knobs with about 12 different setting to dial in on and the bunny ears on top.  You think it's a poor reception so you adjust it and slap the side, turning the knobs furiously... "uh... uh... its almost there... I got it!... dammit!"  just snow, and you might be able to catch every 3rd phrase... again, you think its a bad reception.


---

So uh, we've had some news lately, eh?  Just when the old farts wrapped their under-developed brains around Caitlyn Jenner...
A white woman faked being black and was in charge of the NAACP?  wha-wha-what?   "I identify as black."  This comment is just too much for me to wrap my brain around.  Is it possible?  I mean, if she really feels that way, then yes, it is reality.  Can we judge what race or sexuality or anything anyone "identifies," with?  Are we closing in on a weird line?
Coming from a guy who admittedly "identifies himself as an alien?"
Then puts his own words in quotes?
Reality is too entertaining for reality.

---

How about a scary story wrapped in a story about triumph of good and love over evil?
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same sex couple can marry in all 50 states.  Why this took so long to happen is absolutely mind blowing.  Oh ya, that whole "God said," stuff.  But besides that, since we are evolved enough to make good decisions, why did this take so long?  I'd imagine there was some financial advantage to keeping it illegal so why now?

Never mind... I don't care why or pretend to know the answers as to what the hold up was, I'm just extremely happy for everyone.  For some reason, I've always had an anti-bully, anti-douche bag, anti-asshole, anti-control freak program locked into my brain, so knowing this was illegal along with all the other shit that gays and minorities have dealt with far too long, really bothered and confused me.  Man-man, woman-woman, completely irrelevant to me.  People are people, love is love and there should be no law governing who can legally marry.

But then I scanned one of my social media feeds... and saw them.  Those disgusting, vial pigs, the cancer cells of our society.  Yes, the close minded, conservative, control freaks... and yes, in my feed 100% were old white men.
I know this because they posted "I'm white, straight and proud."  Thank "God," they posted this or I wouldn't have known from their profile pic of the them sitting in their Ford pick up drinking a Natty Light, flexing their 9" bicep with a mini confederate flag tattoo.  Were we supposed to be celebrating them again?  Were they upset they weren't at the parade?  I'm sure they would've been invited if they weren't such party poopers.
Maybe they have some deep hatred towards everything they're not, because they wish they were so much more than they are.

But then the fear settled in... I have two daughters.  What if they some day encounter these beasts along their path?  Knowing kids are born into a world where we have zombie-like hate creatures disguised as humans is terrifying!  On a level, we can teach kids to protect their brains from their close minded thinking.  But on the flip side, the beasts continue to breed... shit.  What a dilemma.  Can good and love continue to make strides fwd while leaving the Calvin pissing on Chevy bumper stickers behind?
The pessimist in me sees a beautiful painting coming together... then a bratty South Carolina kindergarten class comes along, trying to smear it with their muddin' fingers.  Until someone starts slapping these "youngsters," hands and putting them in time-out, I don't see it ending.
pst, that was a metaphor, i don't actually believe in physical behavior vs children.  But vs racist, homophobic, sexist, bigots?  I'm all for that.  
i can understand it you were raised a little backwards, that wouldn't be your fault.  But if you're an "adult," and haven't gotten your shit together with your prejudices and poor thinking, I really don't see what positive element you could possibly contribute to our society.
And if you're not here to contribute, why are you hear? 

Coincidentally, I wore this shirt to school in 1995.  I remember a teacher I looked up to looking at me disgusted and asked "Why would you wear that?"  At the time, I laughed him off, but from then on I knew who he was.  

This was the same teacher who told the class "Tattoos are a strong sign of lower class."
In his 50's, he still had plenty of growing up to do.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Hunter

In honor of Hunters birthday, 6/18, how about a few quotes...

























Wednesday, June 17, 2015

LeBron vs MJ and the NBA

Scroll through social media and you'll find countless articles and video footage breaking down the NBA Finals.
Then you'll find twice as many links and articles breaking down who is the greatest of all time, MJ or LeBron.
Stats vs stats, pretty clear LeBron wins and will always win this area.
MJ lovers will fire back with "6-0 in the finals!!" and it's unclear if LeBron will ever beat that.
But neither of those categories mean who is or will be the greatest.

In my opinion, to find the "X" factor in this debate, which will live for many years to come, you should read David Halberstam's "Playing for Keeps: Michael Jordan and the World He Made."

After MJ won his 3rd consecutive title, he was asked where this ranks him among the all time greats.  He answered "Every era is different, so that's an unfair comparable, but I do think these championships put us as a team right up there."
Break that down for a second and know that he did eventually go on to modestly compare himself to Bird and Magic but his initial response was the cream... "us as a team."
And i dont highlight that because of what LeBron recently said, something like "Im confident because Im the greatest player in the world," but because of the team MJ made.
I love Phil Jackson, probably the greatest coach ever, but MJ made that team and the NBA of the 90's.  How?
Like Steve Jobs and other mad geniuses, they're obsessed.  Obsessed to the point where nothing else matters but that one goal and they will do absolutely anything and everything to make that goal happen.
MJ would bully teammates, he would taunt the front office, and he would relentlessly trash talk opponents.  At one point, it was written that he was the most disliked player in the league.
He made Scottie Pippen become who he became, because he demanded it of him.  He saw Scottie could be his counterpart but he needed to toughen him up and help him find an identity.
Steve Kerr once set a screen on MJ at practice, MJ ran through it, knocked Kerr down and Kerr got up swinging, both players exchanged punches and practice was called.  MJ throwing punches with teammates was not an uncommon moment.  Often it was a reaction to his taunting, tough love at its "finest."
When the Pistons were ruling the NBA in the late 80's, MJ threatened Horace Grant to "grow balls or don't get off the bus," prior to a matchup in the 1990 season.
In 1992, Clyde Drexler was compared to MJ as his west coast rival and took 2nd in MVP voting then faced the Bulls in the finals, which the Bulls won.  A month later during the 1992 Dream Team practices, he was trash talking Clyde Drexler so bad, Clyde came out for practice one day with his shoes on the wrong feet and Clyde nearly quit.  What was MJ's aim?  To crush Clyde and the Trailblazers, not the Dream Team.  Come 1993, he wanted to already have the Blazers defeated.  And this is the great difference between MJ and LeBron and the NBA in general and its rubbed off on todays youth.

I doubt another team will ever beat the Bulls win record they set in 1996.  Players and teams coast now, they think they can flip switches and just turn on "winning," when they need to.... wrong.  MJ and the Bulls wanted to beat you so bad, every time, it stayed in your head for the next game.  MJ wanted to completely demoralize you.  All the greats did.  Bird used to keep stats during games and rattle off numbers to his match up as they came up the floor, talking non stop, "16-2, me," or "that was you 3rd turnover, coach is going to the bench soon."  Magic was the same way, even Shaq and Kobe.  They made it personal.
LeBron, hopefully this loss hurt him.  All those years losing to the Pistons made MJ the bastard he was, that he needed to be.  The NBA didn't used to be this friendly hip-hop club.  I cant remember the last time i saw an NBA fight, it used to happen weekly.  Do we need them?  I almost wrote "no," but yes we do.  With intensity that high and guys going that hard, we need scrappers to crank things up a notch.  In my opinion, the Bad Boys of the late 80's are the second best team of all time.  The Bulls teams of the 90's and the Pistons of the 80's would demolish the league now.  Even the Starks-Ewing-Oakley-Riley Knicks would win the championship.  The league just isn't tough anymore.  It's soft, its 3's, its high fiving your opponent and helping them up off the floor.

LeBron is the most talented player to ever play.  He has all the skills of Magic and MJ in a body we've never seen in the NBA.  Big, fast, athletic, durable.  Is he MJ?  Not as of now.  We need this loss to sting.  We need the criticism to bother him and motivate him.
When people are handing you gifts from 16 years old on... I dont see it happening.
I'm not a hater, I think he's unreal, but as MJ said in 1993, different players of different eras cant be compared fairly.  If MJ grew up in the Twitter age, he may have been a different guy too.

To sum it up, LeBron is too nice and MJ will fight you over a game of tic tac toe if you beat him.
(I actually do think I read he fought someone over a card game)

5 players I wish we could recreate for todays game:
Ron Artest
Patrick Ewing
Charles Barkely
Gary Payton
Dennis Rodman
honorable mention:  Agent 0, Gilbert Arenas

5 coaches I wish the Cavs could pull but cant because they're all too old or dead:
Pat Riley
Don Nelson
Greg Popovich
Larry Brown
Phil Jackson

Todays NBA is just like everything else.  Watered down and Disney.  It's all about selling commercials and jerseys.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Let it be... random


"If 1000 things are on your mind, write about 1000 things.

Someone asked for a program, I gave it.  i wrote it out and sent it away.  Then I tried to write how to actually do it and this was a sticking point.  Too much of it is mental.  I can write it all day, but if you dont know how to feel it, how to fight through the tough spots, it'll be very average.  
Theres no magic in my programming, just science and intensity.

---

I still look around gyms and cringe at the form I see... crazy squats with knees all over the place.  Just ask for some help with form.

---

My own progress... well, I wound up stumbling upon a different map along my path to the goal I set out in January.  I did not reach my 50lb loss, yet.  Only about 23/24.  Mainly because my goal changed in the middle of the plan, and it changed for a very good reason.  When I set out in Jan, because of back and foot issues, I knew my cardio needed to be smart and my diet with little room for error.  But then I met Audrey and she offered up a little barter deal, which landed me on her massage table.  Prior to this event, you couldve seen me wincing in pain to pic things up off the floor let alone squatting w a bar on my back or dead lifting.  After this one session, nearly zero pain with movement.  So I hit the squat rack to see what would happen.  What happened was a new program and new goals.  For the first time in years, probably 10+, my squat is heavier than my bench and my bench doesnt suck.  My squat was embarassing, if you cared what people squat, 225 was about it and right around 8 reps, where my bench was 225 for mid-high 20's.  Within 8 weeks, the squat is in the mid-upper 300's and able to touch 3-5 reps with pretty decent depth.  My butt isnt going below my knees, but right around or just a tad above. 
Kelly Starrets distraction stretches are very helpful as well.  It usually takes me about 20-30 minutes to warm everything up enough to the point where I feel confident getting after it.  Regardless, I'm able to lift heavy again, and this is what I enjoy doing.  So my goal changed a little.  I'll still lose the next 25 but not inthe time frame, I dont think I could now.  the weight loss has slowed dramatically with the new weight program.  I've stopped full body circuits and replaced them w 2 different leg days and two upper body days, and none of it is based on the day of the week but a rotation of 4 days.  So hitting squats twice in one week can happen, which is fine.  Thats become my new obsession.   I badly want to see 4 plates on each side of the bar.

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I recommend massages w Audrey, acupuncture w Jared and yoga by yourself.

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I'm still amazed by the human ego... why it exists or why people ignore it, are ruled by it, and let it hurt.  I see people, I watch their behavior, listen to their rumors... and i start day dreaming about the things that can help to stop looking at life the way they do.  Too much pain.  Not enough help.  People are busy and walk around staring at their phones or worrying about their life.  People think things are great now, but they're not.  Our lives are too fast.  The way we live them.  Job to job, fast food lives, running around with wild schedules, living above our means, with very little "you," time to actually stop and notice change.  
That was one thing I found in yoga... I used to snag a very particular spot.  Where very few people would pass me and I was near an exit so I could leave quickly.  But in this spot, was a view of a tree.  in the tree, I'd find an odd ball branch and the furthest leaf.  Over time, that became my focus point.  As seasons would change, the leaves changing colors and then dropping off, then coming back, it remained my focus point.  Stability in change.  
The recommendations I listed above, can help you.  Why did I list those?
They all have something in common.... I think it can help you get in touch with your body, to remind you to take care of yourself, to remind you how fragile it all is.  That we are all just organisms that will eventually die just like the plants in your garden.  Our bodies will expire. 

I wrote yoga alone because I think yoga in this area and probably throughout the US, has been kidnapped by businesses, stay at home moms, and trendy wannabes.  The value has been watered down.
"Hey, dont be a judgey dick!"
I'm not Buddha.  
If there is someone running a free or "donation," session on the beach or in a park, yes.  Studios w a woman who can't relate to 80% of the people in class? No.
They said "it's ok to make a living."
Not off this.

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I don't care much about Caitlyn Jenner's decision, but she doesn't deserve the Arthur Ashe award.  I personally know 20+ people that show more courage on a daily basis with their career choice than her.  I have friends that are police and fire.  they literally risk their lives on every single call, every car that's pulled over, every crime they investigate, every home they enter, some dangerous could happen.  We take that courage for granted.  A 65 yr old, multi-millionaire transitioning from male to female to hide away in his mansion for the last decade or so of his life.... courageous?  ok.  Comparable to what I listed above?  No.  Compared to past winners?  No chance.  Google Jim Valvano, Loretta Claiborne, Dewey Bozella, Muhammad Ali, Billie Jean King, Pat Tillman, and Nelson Mandela.  Stop right there... Nelson Mandela and Caitlyn Jenner now have something in common.
Is this real life?  

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Speaking of real life...
Did you know there's more African Americans in jail right now for non-violent crimes than there were slaves?
"Non-violent crimes? So they're drug dealers!"
And first time offenders.
Of selling a "drug," that's been legalized in... how many states now?  And on Ohio's ballot this fall.  Pay attention to what you're voting for. 
Want to see better schools?
Want to see lower taxes?
Want to actually see a government with a gram of common sense?

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Be nice.  Some times people make it hard.  Be nice anyway.
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I heard someone reference "internal inventory," and on my 50 minute drive to work, made me think...
And then in the float tank, it made me day dream...
Internal inventory... what we have inside.  Made me think of ourselves like a video game avatar.  
"Oooh, my intelligence is only a 63, my looks are a 42, but my bald head is an 88.  how can I drive up some ratings?  A couple tattoos?  Ok... damn, only a 46 and lost 500 credits!  bad idea there..."
Actually alot more than 500 credits over the years :)

I do think this little exercise has some value.  To objectively look at certain aspects of who we are (tricky question in itself), and analyze and maybe think about improvements.  Doesn't even have to be a paper goal like "get a degree, because then I'll be smarter!" but something like "be nicer to people."
Ever play the Sims?  And in the game, you could compliment someone and you'd see their mood rise and your relationship would boost.  Is there something wrong with using the same thought in real life?

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And now... pictures I like....

Zeus


EW!  I just like the character, ok?
Catching some wind

Mean muggin, ready for football season

Could it be a baby pic?
And my funny mom added the caption on it?

the day Abby insisted her face wash was in this section (notice the section?)


But she redeemed herself winning the Presidential Award at school

Zeus is also a Fallon fan (and doesn't like people on their phones during TV time)

Brave kids



Went back up for the first time in a while... Never wrote about it.  Still cant.
I lost something a few years ago...  Not sure what it was or where to find it.
Here?  I only saw skeletons.  Every block I walked was a reminder of what once was.
Every block was a reminder of the man that built an entire city and college.
And I don't think that's an exaggeration.  Would Penn State have been?  Sure.
What it have become what it was?  Not a chance.
"Eh, you're an obsessed fan, wtf do you know?"
2 things.
#1, I studied the man, read every book and article I could ever find.  I watched his walk, how and why he cuffed his pants.  Why the shoes.  Why the "no beard," policy.  Watched every piece of film I ever could.  I was always so scared I 'd find the flaw, but I never did.  So scared they'd eventually go down for cheating on test scores or steroids or covering up a crime, but he never did.  People thought his simplicity was BS but it never was.  I tried to watch a documentary on NetFlix recently but couldn't get past the first 60 seconds because there he was, talking about how nice it is to see people getting together for a football game.  Just a game.  If you studied him, you'd see, he never knew what he actually was.  He thought he was just a guy, just a dad and husband, just a coach and he never saw what we saw.
Win or lose, he never let me down.
Even when I thought he was guilty, something deep inside told me, "No way. Not Joe. He cant."
And in reading since more of the story has come to light, his innocence has been proven.

The second thing I know... every time you make a dumb joke, I'm daydreaming about hurting you :)
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