Below, I wrote what I wrote and hit PUBLISH. I left the shop, picked up dinner and headed back to the hotel. Rearranged the room to feel a little more home and prepped a few other ideas. A couple hours later, an episode of television to chill before bed, and then it settled in.
Fear and anxiety.
What if its not understood? What if everyone hates it? Hates me.
Is it going to offend someone? Is
someone going to think I’m talking about them?
Who is going to think that? I
better re-read and edit…
So I booted the laptop back up and
delated a few things. Nothing
aggressive, more weird and indirect than anything else, the type of thing that
might make a suspicious person wonder “who is this guy referring to?” when
99.9% of what I write is moderately vague and abstract, to be open to thought
and interpretation.
Laptop closed, back to bed.
It hit again. Not enough changes… go
back, delete more. So I did.
Back to bed.
One more time… laptop back up, fuck
it. Delete the entire thing, I can’t
deal with this.
The next day was hard. I sat and watched sports and wondered, “what
happened to you?” a real deep dive into “what happened to you?” Why was I afraid? There was nothing over the top crazy in
there, nothing more/less than I’ve written before, but maybe that was it. Maybe I’ve lost touch. Maybe I’ve faded too far inside and its
created a separation, a privacy fence.
Maybe I’m afraid fo the new audience.
Maybe I’m afraid to be known.
Maybe we all are. Maybe that’s the
actual root of depression. The
mask. Maybe I need to reread my own
shit. I know the mask will suffocate us,
but sometimes we’re afraid to remove it.
The mask gave us x, y and z. If I
take the mask off, x, y and z might go away.
The difference between a painful
truth and comfortable lie is deeper than a fancy quote. Truth is truth, but the level of the lie is
where things get muddy. Lie to someone,
you may get away with it, to them. But
you’ll know and it will weaken who you are in the long run. You may be ok on the surface, but those with
instincts and vision will see you. Lie
to yourself? This is not good. This is where your personal truths die,
where your life mission is buried, where the soul starts feeding on weak and dead
cells. Where laughs fade, sleep suffers,
and you go numb. Over time, you can’t
even recall words that were once part of your daily vocabulary.
Never lie to yourself. Never compromise your character. Do not turn your back on your gifts.
Jordan Peterson said, “You are going
to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose to not pay a
price. You get to choose which poison
you are going to take. That’s it.”
So maybe I need to publish
again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't remember the order of words,
they weren't written, it was all improv (for the most part), but I knew the
energy I wanted to develop over the next few minutes. Energy and
vision. Vision of space and clarity.
I said something along the line of:
I know we've all missed events...
we've missed birthday parties... we've missed weddings, some were cancelled,
some were scaled back. We've missed or never even held funerals.
We missed work. We missed fun. We missed cook outs and
holiday events. Then we get bad traffic... poor service for take out... a
rude encounter w a cashier or elderly woman behind the counter (finish it)...
the kids are sent home... but we have to work... the news and the news and the
news... rumors and worry... balls busted at x, y, and z... everyone's on edge
and the next thing might be the thing...
we're tired. I get it...
we're all tired. I'm exhausted.
----------
Then I took it in a direction,
rallied it home w a corporate appropriate talk about a stoic philosophy and
mindset practicing patience, perseverance and empathy... it’s all love.
Really is. That's the thing we lost, isn't it? Fight or
flight kicked in and it was ON from there.
When is the last time you were asked
"how are you?" and the person really, really sat
there and wanted to know exactly how. you. are? We barely have the
patience or "time," for our families and selves, but where is it
going? What are we doing with all this time, other than using it as
we really should be, some care for each other?
Don't check your phone. Put it
away.
----------
We all went home, scared shitless of
catching a thing from our friends and family and hid. Don't go yet...
this won’t be about what you're thinking if you're thinking what I think you're
thinking.
The separation did damage. It
did to me.
We separated, had our thoughts,
developed our own conclusions, then checked social media to see where we all
stood.
We took inventory of our homes,
maybe didn't even realize it. Do I like where I live? It's all
I've been staring at for about 4 weeks... Do I like my family? Do they
like me? Do I like my dogs?
Do they like me? Maybe I should paint a wall just to have a new
color to look at. I know, I'll start walking to break up the day.
What did you learn?
I'm tired.
----------
I was having a conversation last
night about "truth," or perceived truths. What makes a thing
true? Can we have two different truths, having a stare off, see which
truth blinks first? What might be spicy to you isn't to me and back
and forth. So this conversation went along the lines of truths we wish we
didn't know.
Would you rather have the painful
truth or the comfortable lie? Think about the things you know that
you wish you didn't...
Personally, truth is truth and I'll
take all of it. No matter how dark and messy it gets, its where we need
to go. Because there's something on the other side of that, that I don't
think we really know yet. But when I imagine it, I see the truth
dissolving all the lines and barriers of the things inside of you that you
imagined or thought you needed to protect. An image. An
ego. A character. A story. The mask. And you don't need any of it, because its not
real, its not truth.
We know this. We're feeling
it. It's crawling up our back, cloaked in depression and hidden within
anxiety and throwing stresses at our feet like sticks of dynamite... we are
tired.
The fatigue has changed how we
respond to each other in traffic. It's changed how we respond to
coworkers, how we respond to kids, friends and family.
My wife thinks I've
"exercised," my way into a space that has created a problem with how
I see the world and people. I obviously disagree, as I wrote above, I
want truth for better or worse. But its easy to play a character when
the sun is shining bright. Who are you in the dark? That's
what matters most, and nothing is close that, and if you don't take yourself
into that space to learn and know who you really are, life will take you on and
you will not be ready.
----------
The antidote to all of this is
Empathy + Patience = Love.
Infinite possibilities of how... as
many numbers and languages and gestures and breaths and movements and
moments... endless opportunities for empathy and patience and more love.
No jealousy, no ego, no victims, no desperation... no teams, no code, no this
vs that…. we never have to run out of it, because we produce it.
---------
It's titled "@home behind the
sun," from a lyric in a song, "I wish I was an alien, at home behind the sun."
I wish I was a neutron bomb, for
once I could go off... I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on... I
wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on... the Christmas tree, I wish I
was the star that went on top... I wish I was the evidence, I was I was the
grounds... For fifty million hands upraised and open towards the sky... ... I
wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me.. I wish I was as fortunate
as fortunate as me... I wish I was the messenger and all the news was
good... I wish I was the full moon shining off of your cars hood... ... I wish
I was an alien at home behind the sun... I wish I was the souvenir you kept
your house key on.... I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on... I
wish I was the verb 'to trust,' and never let you down...
Good memory. The only
song I can moderately play on acoustic, along with High and Dry by
Radiohead.
----------
I am currently sitting in a... I
don't know what this is. Its not a bar, but they serve alcohol and sell
wine. Its not a coffee shop, but they serve coffee and tea and muffins (I
think)... whatever Vita in Sandusky is, it's totally amazing. I've never
been in a place like it. the music is excellent, the IPA is tasty,
the lights are low and I currently have it all to myself. I think I've
complimented the staff 4-5x and they're starting to wonder if I walked in drunk
(but I do want to sleep here, its that perfect).
