After hearing a couple reviews, which I usually ignore, turns out yesterdays podcast came off negative. We text about it and all, but maybe it would be decent/helpful to clear it up.
When I talked about "finding a purpose," and that purpose actually being happiness and inner peace... I heard "whats wrong?" Someone heard it and thought "how depressing," and that really felt alien to me.
I let my dogs out into the yard a few minutes ago. As they sprinted out and ran a couple random circles, I thought I want that. I want the feeling they have, like "holy crap, I cant believe we're out here again!!! I never thought it would happen!" and sprint around the "yard."
But theres always next year...
Theres next season...
When I turn 45...
Lets do that next summer...
Lets make a plan, let's set a goal! and do that together next time...
Which is the issue. We think our time is unlimited. We let ourselves forget how incredibly fragile this life is and think "There's always tomorrow." Til the day happens when tomorrow is now, and the clock is finished.
What we really have is now.
And then... now.
Ad now again.
Fill in the blank with the "tomorrow is ____ and yesterday was___," right? It can be challenging to maintain, the thought that is, but its real. Just, now.
So no, I dont have goals. I dont have the goal sheets anymore. I don't think that should be confused with lack of ambition. Plus I do believe there is a time and place for goals and certain attitudes, but they don't exist in my personal mind, my actual consciousness..
A friend told me he made a list of "things he likes," and thought I should to. As I spent some time to think about, the list really didn't surprise me. It's all the things I like to do everyday (I badly need a float center on the east side). Now all I want to do is schedule for myself. Super simple. I want to schedule things in my life that make me happy. That is all. If we need to say "that's a goal," feel free.
Don't think I'm depressed or "broken," (although broken is sort of true in a good way) or any goofy label.
I'm just enjoying a new view on this ride.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Been a while... hopefully I still remember how to do this.
I guess in order that it pops in, pretty sure that was the style.
I've been taking some classes, somewhat fitness related but a touch more. Doesn't matter what it is, but its enough to take me to that old edge I used to find in yoga studios. The edge that challenges current ideas and thoughts or the edge where brand new ones come floating in or old ones reappear in a new shape and form.
So after I drove home in silence, I sat in my car and wrote this on an instagram post:If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that no matter what happens, no matter how many wins or losses, successes or failures, pain or bliss, we can continue and endure if we choose to. We can battle til complete exhaustion and everything will still be fine. We can be rejected, shot down, our dreams can be set aside and it can still be ok. We are allowed to fail.
The last 12-18 months haven't been easy. I may have attempted to look "normal," or unaffected, for whatever reason, but I actually went too far. It hit me one day about a month ago. I was trying to create a video, with very good intentions, about the link between carbohydrates to inflammation then inflammation to cancer (its there, google it). But as I began editing and recording more footage, I stopped. I was sitting on the rooftop of the parking garage attached to Rainbow and the cancer center... I just sat down on the wall and stopped. And cried. I don't know if one day has gone by that I haven't.
I can't fight anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. My moms death, then Ben, it became an obsession. I couldn't talk without echoing some conspiracy or theory on how screwed everything is in this world. So yeah, it is screwed, and as a world society we're messed up, but it's not my fight.
All I can control, all you can control is yourself within your space. That really is it. We can attempt to influence positivity and educate, but end of the day, we're not in control of the outcome.
I'm about to be 41. I'd like to continue and finish out with a nice job with nice people, make it great, coach football well and enjoy my time. Yield.
We were talking about my mom tonight and I asked "wonder what she would do?" She would say "let it go." And it would be the right thing to do.
Just turned 41 a few days ago, a new baby on the way, new job/career redirection and transitioning in/out of some phases. I haven’t exactly lived under a rock. I’ve had some time as an entrepreneur, working with and for entrepreneurs. I’ve coached a few sports for a few seasons, was able to experience a wide variety of young people. I’ve worked closely w hundreds of grown adults coming from a a variety of backgrounds and histories. I’ve failed hard and had moments of “ok.” I believe a good number of big conspiracies and question facts, I feel I have an honest eye about this world. That’s all I’m saying.
So I recently broke or dislocated a few bones in my foot. I have a good amount of info stored in my brain that lets me know a few things about this injury. Rest it, elevate, ice, things like that. Do that and it’ll basically handle itself. I don’t need to talk to it or ask it “please heal.” I trust the system. Rest, ice, take care, it’ll heal on its own.
But I suffered an injury last April that I can’t seem to shake. I thought I could. I thought I was building a system that would be able to shake off anything. A system that could break and repair immediately, that could walk in and out of anything unharmed.
I was wrong.
So we have all these names and titles and on and on, right? We agree to agree on that. I play this role, you play that role, and off we go.
Then in looking back to the first paragraph I wrote above (part2)... what that’s taught me is how paper thin these roles really are. That they can be copied, transferred, burnt, recreated, torn up and trashed, they mean absolutely zero.
I'll never forget one of my therapy evenings. An incredible wave of loneliness swelled my body unlike anything I've ever felt, and it's really never left. And I don't mean it in a "boo hoo, I'm all alone," thing. I remember looking around at friends and seeing a connection yet knowing fully how temporary it actually is, and it felt completely comfortable.
The actual conflict is survival. And survival today, 2018 in this country, has taken on a new meaning or vision, one that the human concept (in my opinion) isn’t exactly built for. (Flip side, we could argue that we are built for adaptation).Yield