Sunday, December 13, 2015

Random Observations & Opinions

I sent out some texts offering Alpha Brain at discount and this text ensued:

My head would probably explode
You should try these just for the dream state... How was your retreat?
haha really?  It makes you dream better?
Helps you transition into a lucid state, active and in control.
Thats nuts!!!  My retreat was awesome, we did a lot of meditation and yoga and activities to on getting our demons out, things like that.
Are you enjoying your meditation?
Honestly, its really hard for me and its not a practiced skill yet.  my mind is going 1000 different places and I kept fidgeting and its definitely  something I need to start working on more proactively. 
I swear its fun... I love when youre working on diving in and some random crap pops up and you just go "ahhh a distraction wants to try," and you exhale it right away.  I think the same skill needed to recognize a distraction in meditation is the skill needed to see the roots or reactions or emotions.  And then to witness yourself react in a way and go "ahhh that was ____ version of my trying to ____."
Yes, I really think its so needed, especially in life today! 
Super helpful for self-awareness.  I think when its a skill, you're only then able to deliver your true self because the bullshit versions are so "out of the dark," theyre almost annoying.  Like a friend who puts on the show for certain situations, we can see it in ourselves, recognize it immediately and wash it away.  
Yes, I see what you mean.  I think once you realize theres this awareness, things in life start falling into place differently and its almost like the universe kind of gives you these people and circumstances that just fit with exactly what you need at that moment.
Oh ya, I totally agree.  Life can get very different, like peaking behind a stage curtain, once you can see this way.  You can recognize peoples "why," without them saying it.  You can see insecurities and fears and egos.  You should find a float tank.


I think as we've developed electronics and technologies to make life easier, we've become soft.  Mental work is really needed.  Dont know an answer, grab your phone and type it in, nothing needs to be memorized.  We've become fast and self serving.  A generation is passing that knew hard work, that worked through actual hardships, military drafts and economic collapses.  The Grunge Gen X-ers grew up disliking their parents so they worked to be the opposite and in turn are working on creating a very soft and weak group.  Not all, but enough of a wave to see.
How many young people do you meet now with killer work ethics?


Browns lose... "BROWNS SUCK!!"
Browns win... "THE OPPONENTS MUST SUCK!!!"
This is loser mentality that piece of crap franchise has helped build.    There is no other franchise in all of sports as bad as this one we're stuck with.  From ownership all the way down, horrible.
We have players who are uninspired. "They make a million dollars!  That outta inspire them."  Yes and no.
We have coaches in over their head and under the thumb of an owner who pulls too many triggers behind the scenes.
Ray Farmer should've been fired the day he text the OC from his loge.
We need to throw $20,000,000+ at a very legit, experienced, former champion coach that knows players, that knows how things go in the locker room, that can recruit coaches and recognize talent.
Bill Cowher, Herm Edwards, John Gruden, Bill Parcells.  $20,000,000 and absolute power.


Why do we enjoy seeing greatness fail?
A few weeks back, the facebook world exploded in joy when Ronda Rousey was knocked out.  Why?  Its happened time and time again, people love to see greatness fall.
I think its sad.  I think a lot of people hate to see something they can never be.  So when it falls, they can go "YA!  Now we're more similar!"
When I wrote about LeBrons return last year, I titled it "fan of greatness," because thats what I am.  I very rarely care about who wins and loses, I just want to witness greatness in action.   Last night Conor McGregor knocked out Jose Aldo within 13 seconds, one punch.  (Fluky?  Eh, kinda.  I think anytime something like that happens there's a bit of luck.  but then again, I wouldn't actually know. I dont know the training involved.  Maybe its something that was practiced and Conor knew to throw a left when Jose moved a particular way).  Back to point, it sucked for me.  Not because of who won or lost, but because it was 13 seconds.  I was rooting for a great 5 round battle of two of the most phenomenal athletes walking the planet.
When a guy/girl gets knocked out or beaten badly, thats not great to see but the effort involved in obtaining the skills to make it happen... unbelievable by most.  We work out for an hour, maybe 2 and think "F this, im going home."  These people train 6, 7, 8 hours a day, with a nutrition plan that... well, makes them look how they look, shredded and ready for greatness.
Dont be hater.  Be a fan of witnessing greatness.


Are humans kind or mean by nature?
Or both?
Hard to tell sometimes.  As much as a holiday can and should highlight love and kindness... do you feel it?  Are people generally selfish?  Greedy?
Or are they generally giving and helpful?
I dont have an answer or ramble on this... I'm searching for more nice people.  I know a few, but searching for more.


To be anti anything, you must fully understand what it is you are against.
We are obviously permitted in nature to disagree, all animals do at some point about some thing (yes, you are an animal), but you have to have the information of your stance and the "opposition."  And even then, you must acknowledge and understand the roots of your own stance.
Ask why.
Example... let me think of a hot topic.  I dont really know much about the refuge situation other than people have fled their homes for safety and for some reason, that safe place cant be the United States... Politics would be a good one though, but its a game I know we dont actually control or have a voice so.  "Thats the problem you asshole!  Your vote matters!"  Eh, bullshit.  This president proved that.  You may think your vote matters, but when its all said and done, its the billionaires that matter and control things.
Let me text some people and get an idea...


Top Pearl Jam song I heard today
Lukin (live version, played as a slow song, beautiful and I may have teared a drop)


I know some people who still think life is endless and we wont die and they scare the shit out of me and I find them extremely unattractive.
Lets say you KNOW you have 80 years... you can plan a bit, right?  You may go out when you want, stay home when you want, build relationships when you want and do anything, because you know "I have x years left."
But there are wacky people who act that way, yet ignore what they dont know. 
What they/we don't know, is the clock.  And everyone's clock is different.   I'm 38, so it works be nice to think I have 42, 52 years left.  But I actually know it could easily be 2 or 12.  Things happen.
Why stay home?
Why say no?
Why hold back?
Why limit yourself?
Why hurt yourself?
Why not experience more?
Why not break the monotony?
Why not do something different, just to see how it turns out?

Do not be a complacent, lazy, selfish human.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

10 years and maybe longer...

Little intro before it gets going (hopefully)...

Before I was ever involved in training, I was coaching.  Started coaching about two years before my oldest daughter, maybe three.  After so long, and different stops, it's kind of hard to tell when things started, the timeline gets fuzzy.  I see it more in phases.  I had HS, then a couple years dicking around after HS, then I got a phone call from my old coach asking my if I was interested in getting involved.  I started off as a scout and volunteer middle school, I made $25 per week.  Doesn't that already sound like some old school story from the 50's?  "I made $25 per week," and never cared.
Even then I had a knack for communicating and tapping into a deeper level, something I think all coaches must have.  If you've read anything or know me the slightest, you know I grew up idolizing Joe Paterno (even typing the name still makes me cry, literally), but I was also a huge Phil Jackson fan and read all his books.  His first "Sacred Hoops," I feel is one of the best sports psych around.  How he drew a picture, combining chaos of sports and art of movement, was inspiring.  He wrote about basketball as if it were yoga, moving meditation.  Calm in chaos.  So as I'm coming along, learning as I go, being around some solid coaches, following JoePa and taking in this Zen mindset, things began to develop.  My approach to coaching was developing.

Fast forward...
2 daughters
personal training
5 schools
my own development
yoga journey
life, etc

This past week was our awards banquet for the team.  All coaches had a chance to speak about their guys and inside the days leading up to it, were nerves.  I'm actually not nervous about public speaking, I'm nervous about saying too much and not know when to shut up or slip up and take things down a completely different direction. I had one kid to speak about and wrote up a power point of things to remember in case I slipped away from task but I nearly blew it up within 3 seconds.  Anyway! It went well, I'm sure parents were pleased, it was a 5, safe and sound.

But then we text after and I'll keep his end private but I will share what I wrote:
"Let football be your guidelines for other greatness and use what you went through as a learning tool and strive for excellence at everything you do moving down the road.  Words like preparation and persistence, and then what I said about you tonight "intensity, passion and enthusiasm," let those words ring in your ears to help you build an incredible life.  Never lose the drive, never lose the heart, and work hard at everything you do."
What I said about this young man was that he had the basics to play the position.  Speed, strength, awareness, experience.  But it was the x factors that made him stand out.  Enthusiasm to play the game, the will to play with intensity and the passion to play full go, regardless of score or outcome.

So many of us have the basics we need for x, y and z.  We are all able to play our "positions."  But to be great, you/we/I have to have more.

I remember a guy I coached a few years ago, we had some troubles connecting.  We got along fine, but when I needed some fire out of him, it just wasnt there.  He was a very smart kid and it made me wonder, "Does he just think too much?  Can he not let it loose?"  So I knew I had to find a more common ground for us to BS about and see what I could learn.  Turns out he plays guitar, ironically enough I've had a handful of guitar playing linebackers.  So I ask him, "who do you play like?  Who inspires you?"  Thank God he said Jimi Hendrix, because that was all I needed.  I asked more questions, diving into why he plays guitar, what he feels, why he enjoys it and on and on.  Within a few days, I turned guitar into defensive football and it felt like I stole a chapter right out of Coach Jacksons book.  His play improved immediately.  He started playing faster, he started communicating more and he started playing with more confidence and I'm pretty sure ended up w a nice collection of awards when it was all said and done.
He was smart, so he didn't need me to help him get it together in the class room.  He had plenty of family support, so he didn't need me there.  He was strong and fast, didn't need me there.  What he needed was to play with passion, enthusiasm and intensity, the same tools he already possessed but didn't realize.  All I did was show him a door, help him through and turned on a light.

I've had other guys that were the opposite.  Too much fire and explosive passion and it needed to be reigned in a bit.  Some guys get out there and the game is so emotional, things can get very intense.  If a guy doesnt know how to channel it, damage will be done.  Physically to himself, someone else and/or odds are very high of losing control.  Also, when guy is only fueled by emotion, the mind is removed, and I want and need balance.  The position I coach, in a lot of ways, is the QB of the D.  My guys cannot be absolute maniacs (but I do kinda like when they potential to be a maniac) because they need to see things clearly, make particular calls and move the defense.   If his mind is clouded with explosions and chaos, it wont work well.  Balance.  Calm in chaos.  Knowing when to explode and when to play safe.

This is what coaching is for and this is 100% why I do it.  I've been a part of teams that went 1-9 and teams that went 10-0... does losing suck?  Absolutely.  Is winning more fun?  Obviously.
But the only thing I ever care to actually do is help guys improve and prepare them for the path.  Football is just a tool we can use, temporarily, to teach fundamentals for life and add to the experience.

Thinking back to my HS days, without football, I couldn't even imagine who I would be today.  The lessons I may have missed.  Without the coaches I had, without the experiences with my friends and teammates on the practice fields... I don't know where else I would've learned them.

How about a few pics?

 and a few oldies for fun....

Sunday, October 11, 2015

The C Word...EW

Being able to post and not read posts = excellent decision.  It's like I'm sitting up in a tree, no clue as to whats happening below, and yelling random things to whoever happens to be within reach.  Good move.

Now, the post...

I was on the verge of saying "Anyone under 31..." but then I kinda watched people for a few days and realized that's not the right age.
Might not even be an age, might be a problem with society in general and the lazy ass world that's being created.

I've been seeing the C word everywhere.
Casual behavior.
Casual effort.
Casual parenting.
Casual working.
Casual coaching.
Casual training.
Casual thinking.
Casual everything.

I know people, young people, who fear failure.  The fear failure so bad, they don't work hard, they don't put their heart into it.  They're casual.  Because if they try hard, if they buy in and give it their heart, and fail... it'll be too much. How sad is that?
AND, it's everywhere.

I blame a lot of it on all this hippy zen crap (kind tongue in cheek there).
But again, not.

Somehow people think "If I sign up and show up, walk through, do x, y and z, I'll be good enough, I'll be ok."
"If I go to work and just do _____, I'll be ok."
"If my kid just ______, I'll be ok."
"If I eat ______, this week, I'll be ok."

How about F being just ok?
Why is average the goal?
Why is just making it or just being good enough, good enough?

I see it in someone and I look at them like they smoke.  You know how smoking is such an odd thing now, when you see it, you're like
Same thing.

You half ass projects?  

You don't work hard?  

You make excuses for
coming up short?

You only go 65% but act like your're all in?

You only work 35 hours per week but think you should be rewarded for 60??

You train 3 days per week, eat like shit and wonder where the results are?

You dont give.  You dont help.  You dont try.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Inside Job

I know I wrote that I wasnt planning on writing much or anything, but I was telling a friend the story I'm about to write.  An hour later, this pic shows up in my text.


In the past, I've hinted at or pretty much told you about the different types of therapies I get involved with.  No medications. I heard a quote once that was something like "They cut at the damaged branches while ignoring the roots."  I think that fits well how I approach this.  For better or worse, whatever I find, I want the roots.  

Between the float tank and hypnotization (isnt that a word?  my spell check is flagging it), I've had 3 visions that have had a great effect on me, #3 being most dramatic.

I've replayed them in my head so many times, I feel I've shared them already.  If I start one you've read, skip ahead.

I remember being above a stage in an old theater,  parallel to the curtains, so I could see the play and the back stage action.
No one was in the audience.  The only action was seeing people walk across at one side and walk back in the other, but when they'd walk behind the curtain, they turned blank.  No face, generic body.  They made their way back over to the entrance side again and repeated it.  They'd come out new.  new bodies, new faces and then return back stage to nothing.  
What it means... I dont know.  Maybe we're all the same.  Maybe this vision was trying to teach me.

As I've said, in these sessions, I'm gone.  GONE.  So I do believe, a deep level of my subconscious is at play throughout.  Trouble shooting, relaying messages.  There's a communication at play that I cant hear during daily activities... it's always there, but muted or hidden underneath all the traffic and confusion that we see as our lives.

Similar to above but uniquely different.
I was floating in the tank, and once i stop splashing around like a child, I force myself to focus in on my meditation, something I've been very good (disciplined) with lately.  
First let me explain the tank.  When you walk into the room, it looks like a box you wouldnt fit in, or me at least.  You step inside and its maybe 4-6 inches of salt water, the salt water keeps you floating.  You step in and lay down, closing the hatch above your head.  When you do this, it's now pitch black.  No sound, no smells.  The water and air are the same temp as your body, so once you stop moving for a few seconds and relax... you're off.  Now, there is a mind game at play here, big time.  My first time, it was tricky getting comfy, to stop wondering how it was working or to move around, not trusting the process.  All of these were distractions and resistance. 

So, I'm meditating in a pitch black box of salt water...
My focus is to breathe.. in and out, inhale a thought, exhale a thought... inhale and exhale, imagine my head getting more and more clear with every exhale.  If something distracting pops in, I acknowledge it and exhale it and move on. 
Before I know it, I'm seeing things... 
I remember seeing the back of film strips.  As if I was on the opposite side of a movie screen.  I was looking out or up (eyes closed), and seeing myself as a kid, but everything was in reverse.  Lefts were rights, and all of that.  And it was black and white.  As I watched, the screen waved round, like the wind would blow it, it didnt stop or move out of distance, just waved like a flag and continued on. 
I remember thinking "why is it like this?  Why do I see the opposite side?"

You know when you jerk out of nap fast?  That is scary as shit when your in a black box of water.

I was diving deep into a state... I knew going into this session, that it was going to be intense but that was my intent.  I wanted to dive as deep as possible and see whats there.

So I'm focusing my thought on a person and people... I'm seeing them/him/her, and they up above me, at a 45 degree angle floating around, spinning and moving.
Somehow, they changed into a ball.  A large glowing ball of colors and angles.  think of rubics cube, but with unlimited colors and instead of 6 sides, its millions. Just a bright ball of neon and shapes, spinning around, glowing, w a beating heart... in my head, it was still people/a person.... but visually, it was a glowing ball of shapes and colors.

i remember coming out thinking that this really was who we are.  for days I thought - We think we're just a, b and c, but we're limitless and not just a particular type of limitless, but even limitless from there.  The colors were already unlimited, but the shapes magnified it by itself, limitless. 

I've approached all people differently since.  And I was already a fairly emotional, empathetic, sensitive guy (to a point), this definitely added a level. 
People talk to me and I can wonder - Is this habit, or are they doing the math?  The decision they're making, the thoughts they're having, are they new?  Is it out of protection?  Are they feeling and hearing their voice?  

The eyes can tell you everything.  Body language is one thing, but it's all right there in the eyes.    

The therapy is very real guys.  I suggest you dive in. 

I've had this song in my head.  I miss using it in the power room. 
One time, crank it up all the way.  

Monday, September 14, 2015

You're on the clock

(I'll attempt to keep details vague to hide some things).


I was in a public place and someone I knew was there, just one.  We know each other enough, but not enough where we care to do anything more than a nod or smile.
So at some point I had to ask a quick question, physically, words weren't even needed, and person x looked... Kinda sneered and brushed it off like "ya ya get out of my face."

Personally, I didn't give a shit.  They are who they are.  But it did hit me what they do for a living.  I thought "if I needed my hair done, i would never go to x or recommend just because they're an asshole."
I used to give a similar talk to trainers in class, I'd say - You are your business card and you're always on the clock.
You never know who is watching, who is paying attention, why they're paying attention, who they know, how it could affect you one day, etc.

THEN it hit me from another angle... How much it must suck to have to put on an act.  To be a dick in real life, but have to fake it.  To be an actual asshole, a bad, rude, douche and have to smile at people and it be disingenuous (did I use that big word correctly?)
  I used to work for a guy like that.  He'd smile to your face, compliment you and give you a pat on the back, but demean you in private.   

So pretend we're on the clock... Are you free to be you?
Are you good enough to be yourself?  The real you? Brave enough?

The rude, the assholes, bullies, dickheads, whatever else... They're just damaged humans who wear their big tough mask to intimidate.   I don't dislike them, I have sympathy for them and their weakness.

I like people who aren't afraid to show their scars and tattoos.  People who aren't ashamed of their travels, but proud of their survival.  They know how to smile at the pain and accept days as lessons on the journey, open to all its experiences, whether labeled "good," or "bad," in their head.
But their is no good and bad, just lessons.  And some lessons suck and we may wish we didn't learn them or that they were able to be learned w less pain.
But I train smarter because of my injuries.
I appreciate more because of my failures.
I love you all more because I know lonliness.... (And you know my clock is legit, wherever you see me.)
People who need their hair just so, never swear, overly concerned w they're perfect limit image...? We all see right through you.
When you know pain, when you know your edge, not the bullshit "edge," of a freakin yoga mat, your life edge, you've seen another side of it all and your appreciation for literally everything is magnified.  

I was in a theatre, 12-13 years ago, watching a movie alone.  Fight Club.  
Put away candy crush for 4 minutes, watch this, then come back:

Wouldn't you rather absorb life and the interpretation of?
Be flawed but be nice. 
Have an experience.
Do something uncomfortable.
If you're not weird, I don't trust you.  I know you'll break when needed.  The weird have very few fears and they're willing to let it fly.
When's the last time you went for a run in the woods and got lost? On purpose.
What's your last rock concert?
When's the last time you cried? Out of happiness or sadness, both.
What's the last thing that excited you?  That made your heart race, made you nervous?
What are you going to leave behind? 
Regret or experiences?  A story or nothing at all?  
Did you help or did you hurt?  
Did you take or give?  

You are on the clock, like it or not.
Are you going to sit their watching the minutes/hours then days and weekends "oh shit, I'm 34 already!" then 40-45-50... "What do I do?  It's almost over and I haven't done anything!"

Get in the game.

(Share this if it's useful)

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Hey Hey, My My

"You good?"
-Ha, I always read that like a trick question!
"You're fb post concerned me. Just want to know my boy is good."
-No... Truth... This world isn't home... so my social media thing is a hopeful way to disconnect from this crazy planet and create my own world 
"Interesting.  Wanna have a sit down?"
-ha think I've finally lost it?
"Maybe you've found it."


If we don't like our job, we have the freedom to change it.
If we don't like our body, energy, eye sight, clothes, car, house, partner, pet, _______, we have the freedom to change it.
Obviously, not all changes are easy and some are harder than others, but we have free will and can change if choose to and make every effort to.

What if we don't like the information that comes to us?
What if we don't like what we see in this particular "reality?"
Can we change our actual reality?


For me, Facebook was about sharing a story, try to be useful, share music and books and podcasts... But I feel a little bitter-sweet about it all.
I wanted to be completely invisible, just operate behind the scenes, trying to make something cool happen.  I wanted to have an idea, whisper it to someone and let them have the success.  So this is just a mini step, searching to become invisible again.
I was a pretty naive, introverted guy... I don't like the things I've learned on social media.

Facebook was designed to connect us... Has it?  
(Ironically, you're probably reading this via a link I just shared on social media).  

I have x number of friends on Facebook, yet when I go to the mall, I see people I'm "friends with," avoiding eye contact, staring at their phones and walking past.
Think it's a coincidence we have so many socially awkward people around?  

I see news stories apps/links covering things that aren't news.  
Hollywood is not news.  Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn is not newsworthy.  Kanye West is not newsworthy.  
Then the things that are newsworthy are manipulated and snow ball into x more stories that arent newsworthy.  
Would the riots have been the same without social media?
It's a distraction from news, just as the phone is a distraction from life.  We look down, not up.  We create false connections over electrical devices, not actual human contact.
"Another boy dead over Heroin overdose," is the news headline, but that's not the story.  The news as we now know it sells fear, not stories. 


I see Facebook and I see the ego of us, creating a particular picture that we want everyone to think of us.
And it's not reality.
Facebook has created High School, Part 2, but here you're free to recreate however you like.
And it's still not reality.
Everything we eat, we can think "is this helping me or hurting me?"
But we don't do that with our eyes/minds.  Scrolling through Facebook, very few posts offer "help," or anything positive to help us build positive momentum in our lives.  I see too many pains, too many posts, links, pics that are really online bullying, or chest pounding "Look at me!"
Did I get 10+ likes??  Success!!!!!


I was at a restaurant and just glancing around... everyone had company at their table, yet had their phones right there.  A text or phone call came through or whatever app notified them of something incredibly important, and their mind left the table and headed off into the iWorld...  


I was at another function recently... around 100 people or so stopped by to say hi and talk about the reason I was in their area.  We spoke about fitness and working out, which lead to pains and injuries or excuses and procrastination.  As x amount of people came through, I stopped seeing them as they were in the physical form, in front of me.  
They became the same... not in a bitter "you're all the same," type thought but in a "WE're all the same," type thought.
We all have the exact same needs yet we think and act so different.
Deep down we need water, nutrition, sunlight, human touch, movement, brain stimulation and other very primal needs.
Yet over the last 20-30 years, we've changed and headed into a new direction of isolation.  We're becoming more anti social in this social media world.  
Customer service is no longer serving the customer.  It's just banging out x amount of files per day.  You're not cared for because now, you're a number, you're notification on an app.  It's become a fast food society.  
We don't have to learn, because the answers are at our finger tips.
We're never alone because... well, right t our finger tips is 1000 conversations we can now interact with...
But none of it is real.  


This entire world we operate within is completely unnatural for us.  We've boxed ourselves into games of "house," and "adult," and "life," with rules that our brains and hearts and souls weren't really meant to understand fully.
The system says "you need a degree..."
And then make $30,000/year with that 4 year degree...
And then that job is forcing you to get a masters within 2-4 years...
And add another $20,000-$30,000 in debt on top of the $100,000+ you've already accumulated...
And now you're 27 and wanting to get married, buy a house and have kids...
So thats another chunk of change, handcuffing you to a job that completely under pays you and you're starting to see "oh shit, if I'm lucky my school loan will be paid off by the time I'm 39."

How many teachers can relate to that scenario?  Yet here we are, willingly playing these games that we didn't sign up for because.... everyone's doing it!


So I posted:
All social media accounts will be down soon. Looking to unplug and disconnect from the ego/mask and drama drug we've grown up addicted to.
Hung into them for this long for business reasons and to share... But scrolling feeds, it's really just loaded w shit I don't care to read. Shit talk, pain, negativity, etc. I'd read it and it would bring me down. My wife mentions things on the news, and it's all news to me... Better or worse, I want to ignorant to the outside world... I don't want to be effected anymore by the craziness that's reported. I know human instincts and capabilities, I don't need to read it/see it and then feel it.
The joy was reading people's successes and seeing pics of friends and their families, showing pics of my girls and life... those friendships should be live and in person. Show me your pics when we see each other, tell me your stories at happy hour.
If you've enjoyed the entries in the link, hit it and subscribe. When my flip phone arrives, that'll be it for this drug (Facebook - you think it connected us, I think it did the opposite)
If you're interested in personal training or hanging out:
my number is 440-983-7783
As for these blogs, I'll continue to write but wont be sharing via social media.  There's a link on the right to subscribe, if you like.

As for marketing for business, Im fine with not using social media... I want to found naturally, for better or worse, not because I posted some dumbass ad at the right moment.  Find me because you heard I'm good, not because I'm here.


The song below is one I find myself humming daily... The story, the movie, the soundtrack has been with me a long time and moves me very much.  The song means, to me, literally what hes singing.  "society, crazy indeed, hope you're not lonely, without me."
My personal opinion, there's something really beautiful to me in going hard, pouring your heart into every single thing you touch, your whole life... just give and give and give and give more and leave it all out there, with nothing in the tank...
then gone, like a shooting star.
So remember kids, "it's better to burn out than fade away."

Can you tell I start off sober then slip into weirdness and music analogies?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Power Room kept me awake...

... it was around 1:30 and then I think again around 3 or 4... I was laying awake thinking about something I posted:
"This yoga isn't advanced."
"My yoga cert is better than..."
"The yoga at _____ is more recognizable."

Thank you!!! ...
Thank you to nearly every yoga instructor I've ever met (probably 85%), for turning your "non judging," atmosphere into a high school cafeteria all over again.

The top part in quotes, I've heard it too much.  Judging.  Someone posted a pic of a handstand and immediately, people jumped on it "that's too much for my studio," and "wow, you're really good."  So I panicked and ran to my "yoga books," searching for the rankings!  I couldn't find them anywhere.  Then I googled "yoga pose ratings," and couldn't find it there either. 
Lastly, I searched other studios... and there it was, examples of the ratings and judges right there, on the mat.
People ask "Where'd you get your cert?"
I bought a piece of paper, same as the others.  Mine was much cheaper though.
"But where'd you learn anything?"
From doing.


They say "can you run that program again?"
I don't know what we did the first time, so I don't know how to make it happen again.
"But it was a program...just run it again."
 it was really a collection of things I do, things I've experienced to help me along... ideas and books, programs, moments... Getting you to run at Squires Castle, the beach, the park isn't a program I want to run right now.

The things I said and did over our time together wasn't planned, so I don't know how to repeat it. I've been asked to bring the Power Room on Tyler back and its not happening.  We caught luck there.  We caught a sweet moment in time, hit it out of the park and that was it.... anything we could've done moving fwd past that would've been calculated and that's where I would've fizzled out.

If it's natural and organic, its hard to repeat.  I wonder how yoga instructors last so long.  For me, its too personal.  I have moments in time where I have the energy to rip off 4-8 classes over a couple months then I need a break.  If the room isn't right, if the people aren't open and putting in the effort, it drains me even faster.  Too often, I've been the energy, and it zaps me very quickly.  Which is where I see the troubles with the finances.  Money or no money, free or $100/class, its an energy that cant be faked.  I've left too many rooms thinking/saying "that wasn't right," and someone would say "huh?  that was rough..."  Might've been rough, but it wasn't right


I believe everything great comes from organic energy.  A natural explosion of just the right amount of effort, awareness, and love. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

HEY!! You've got to hide your love away...

Had that song in my head... and this blog is the exact opposite.


Unfortunately, I spend a bit too much time driving.  Actually, the unfortunate part of this situation is that too much of that time is spent wondering what the fuck is wrong with people.  I should be appreciating the scenery, listening to a podcast or music, but no.  Somehow my thoughts are wrapped around trying to nail down the year, decade or generation where it all went to shit, because yes, it is.  (Uh oh, the cynical douche bag is here today).

Can we do like everything else and blame the media?
When celebrity gossip is a top headline, it makes you wonder if this is reality or a wicked acid trip.  "Who will ever believe what Kim and Kanye named their next kid?!?!"    Who has two thumbs and give zero shits? know the rest...

Maybe it's technology?
Maybe all of our training we've had, staring down with bloodshot, watered eyes has turned us into anti-social zombie, crack heads, looking to get our next "fix," on whatever knew gadget or app pops out to us next.   Kids dont know what commercials are, or a library.  The Dewey Decimal system is long dead, and cursive is coming up next on the endangered list.   As Morrison screamed, "We want the world and we want it NOW!"

Or maybe this just the path we've been riding for the past 20 years and we've created a world around us that suits our greedy, selfish needs.  People don't hold or open doors, say "have a nice day," or are friendly just to be friendly.  People take, do they give?

Can we blame Chuck for not being a role model?
Pop culture is certainly partly responsible.  But I think its circular... the media let guys like Muhammad Ali fade away, "Service to people is your rent to earth."  Who talks like that now?  No one.  It's all about the money, being in commercials and being cool.

Maybe being cool is the problem.  Everything has to look cool.  Appearing to have effort and trying, nah.  Kids now, athletes, they need to look smooth and effortless.  Sweating, screaming and passion?  I still think that died in the late 90's.   My glowing example of this is comparing MJ to LeBron.  MJ would fight teammates for not working hard enough and keeping up with him. LeBron... pretty sure they're distracted with their instagram selfies.

Personally, I feel I've made strong effort to break off anyone and anything that serves my world negatively.  If you're positive, open minded, you're in.  If you're a close minded, conservative, control freak, you're out.  Right?  Wrong?  It's energy.  I can't operate fully with mood sucking, energy draining, life leaches around me, so right now, there are none... but I see you.  

Yes, I believe the world has changed for the worse and we will continue to ride this curve, as a human race.
Unless something truly world rattling takes place, we will continue to slide down and away.  Down a darker, lonelier hole and away from human touch.

All you can do, is be open... Honest... Clear the trash from your head... Clear the history... Let the damage and the scars be part of a cool story, of a survivor... And create your own pocket of positive energy and absorb everything around and try to infect them w your energy, your light and work to keep it brighter and hotter than the anti-,and be a nucleus and spread it all as far as you can as long as you can... Until you burn out or fade away...

Monday, July 20, 2015

just a lil bit of water...

“Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.” 


so that one lingered...
I've always day dreamed of writing a book.  Wasnt quite sure what it would be, but always thought i had the nerve and dedication bouncing around my monkey brain.  thought about a compilation of everything I've already written here, cleaning it up, polishing it off and going from there.. i might.

But this Alan Watts quote stirred me up... I think because I always feel on the verge of quitting.  Everything.  As much as i'm here, I feel like one eye is always on the door... wondering, imaging.

I reread these and think what a dick... half this shit doesnt even make sense, its babble, its uppity hipster bullshit and all that...
But the other half reads that quote and thinks F it... write, let it go and dont look back.

Part of me strongly desires isolation.  To go away, to a quiet place and stay.  i remember being a weird kid at the pool or beach where i'd find a heavy rock or climb the ladder to the bottom and sit in silence, holding my breath as long as possible, just enjoying the sound of water.  Weird little (chubby) freak.
The other part thinks no no no... you've overcome quite a bit... you need to keep writing, keep sharing... even if one of these dumb sentences happens to stumble onto the right smart phone and the right person reads it at the time they need it... thats useful.  be useful.

But its difficult.  It kind of feels like treading in water... 5 foot waves... you can manage, you can tread and see some people when the water moves just right, but for the most part... you're alone.   You see them and yell HEY! and they HEY! back and wave, but the waves continue and they come and go.

"He was able to touch but slightly of reach."

Maybe this is why i loved the float tank so much.... wish it was closer... and i had more time.
Anyone want to buy me one??


Coaching has hit the spot.  The speed of practice forces a very nice flow state that I'm not entirely sure the coach realizes he created... I should ask.  It's fast and we move from one session to the next with different areas of focus every 10 minutes, so for someone with anxiety or some ADD, it works very well.  As we move along, I find a very nice rhythm and zone where I can tap in right where I like it.  Not many places, outside of a pearl jam mix, where i've found it quite like this.  The drive is lengthy but I find advantages there too... some nice quiet time to listen to music or a podcast.


Remember when i said i'd quit if my goal wasn't reached?
I lied.
Not intentionally and no excuses, but things just changed.  My goal changed.  I guess that's ok.  right?  I kinda beat myself about it for a few days and wondered how i was going to explain it, but that was it... the goal just moved a bit.  Dropping the lbs is still there but not by the date and that's due to the programming.  The old goal and date demanded a heavier load of running than I was able to take care of, my lifting was going extremely well so i detoured and i'm ok with it.  So back then, i was beating myself up for feeling out of shape and needing to prove something.  in the process of the "detour," i kind of slipped into some power and ended up benching around 400lbs, pain free, and improved my squat form and weight dramatically.  Before, 225 was a challenge because of pain in the back/hips and shoulders.  Now, settling with reps around 285, pain free... good work.  The scale moves around here and there but the mirror is what i'm checking out.  Things are definitely getting more solid.  I'll tinker with some running and some yoga here and there, but I'll continue riding this wave where it takes me.
(get it?)


When I young, a friend criticized me for always "pushing my thoughts," on people.... he said I should be a priest.  Unfortunately I still here it, minus the priest part.  I hope you're figuring out what I'm saying here... I really do believe I've tapped into something, a level of consciousness, that I didn't have or see or feel before and it changed me.  If I didnt write about it or share it, i dont think i'd talk much at all.
You cannot deny that their are drawers, closets, cabinets, locked away inside you... inside are the ingredients to how you became... your habits... your insecurities... your fears... your strengths... the how to, the why, to you... its right there.... dont you want to read it all?  dont you want to see it?  explore it?
theres a key to a lock, but you dont even know theres a lock... you just know "I'm ______!" and thats it.
I'm just type A, I'm just a bitch, I'm just a stressed person, I'm just this way, and on and on and on.. but i'll argue that, because no one is a title or a way...
I'm not you, we're different...
Very good... so me being me, I don't enjoy seeing damage and pain, so I do whatever i can to help you relieve the pain and discomfort.  Anxiety is pain and discomfort.  So is stress.  So is fear.
Maybe some know-it-all-D would say "they're choices, people choose their life." Eh, I agree and disagree.  You cant blame a Frenchman for not knowing how to speak English, no matter where he is.  some concepts are just foreign until its not.   I don't believe people know its a choice.  I don't believe people know where the light is, where the key is and where the lock is... then how to use it and what to do with it.  And i totally understand that some things read for hippy or know it all...
but I will always say and remind when needed, i come from a place where these tools were needed.  Had i not found this path, that actually began years ago, the story would have ended; but it didnt.


And if you don't train with me you'd probably just read PERSONAL TRAINER... this is just my avenue to relieve pain and suffering... while turning you into a bad mofo!!!



“It's like you took a bottle of ink and you threw it at a wall. Smash! And all that ink spread. And in the middle, it's dense, isn't it? And as it gets out on the edge, the little droplets get finer and finer and make more complicated patterns, see? So in the same way, there was a big bang at the beginning of things and it spread. And you and I, sitting here in this room, as complicated human beings, are way, way out on the fringe of that bang. We are the complicated little patterns on the end of it. Very interesting. But so we define ourselves as being only that. If you think that you are only inside your skin, you define yourself as one very complicated little curlique, way out on the edge of that explosion. Way out in space, and way out in time. Billions of years ago, you were a big bang, but now you're a complicated human being. And then we cut ourselves off, and don't feel that we're still the big bang. But you are. Depends how you define yourself. You are actually--if this is the way things started, if there was a big bang in the beginning-- you're not something that's a result of the big bang. You're not something that is a sort of puppet on the end of the process. You are still the process. You are the big bang, the original force of the universe, coming on as whoever you are. When I meet you, I see not just what you define yourself as--Mr so-and- so, Ms so-and-so, Mrs so-and-so--I see every one of you as the primordial energy of the universe coming on at me in this particular way. I know I'm that, too. But we've learned to define ourselves as separate from it. ” 
― Alan W. Watts

“How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself anything less than a god.” 
― Alan W. WattsThe Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Burn Away My Mask - (Dear Asshole)

(I'm not clever... most of my titles are Lines of Pearl Jam songs)

I wouldn't say it was an accident, but it wasn't intentional... it was just a natural course of logic and common sense (or as I interpret it).  
I've made references to a bit and even the title of the actual blog site (@homebehindthesun)... but clearly, I prefer to write in codes and innuendos.
I just see things really different from most, for a really different reason and its isolating.


I've had this pain in my throat for a couple weeks and all along I kept thinking "ugh, damn sore throat!" But it hit me today, its not a sore throat, its my throat chakra!  I have a blockage.  Would verbal ex-lax be an appropriate analogy? 
Lets see if this clears it up... 

Dear Asshole still flying a confederate flag,
Before I recognize it as anything else, I truly understand that it (that flag) represents a lack of intelligence, so I'll type at a 1st grade level (no offense to my 1st grade readers).
You said that flag represents your "forefathers."  Fair enough.   That being said, you should probably know that your forefathers were a group of violent racists who often beat, raped and killed other human beings for no reason.  The flag doesn't represent them or freedom, it represents violence and death, the same way the Nazi symbol represents.
For your asshole nephew rolling around NE Ohio with it on his Ford pick-up, you may be an even bigger moron.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you know nothing, other than you think it represents your racist views and in putting it on your half faded blue, half rust ride, you're now a scaaary rebel!  oooooh.  
Ya.  You're scary.  Because it shows how far we still are.


Dear Asshole who is so proud to be anti-gay you post some dumbass pro-white, pro-hetero, crap weekly,
I feel like you're related to the asshole above... do you know each other?  
"I dont mind dem queers, just as long as dey dont look at me," which I've heard countless times.  I actually love hearing that one and always reply the same way, "No worries there."  Noooot to be stereotypical, but I doubt this ones offensive, most gay people I've known have really great taste and standards.  So you really have nothing to be worried about.  Nearly every homophobic person I've ever met has been like... a 2-4?  So maybe they say this out of actual anger that they know they're not attractive enough to ever get hit on by a gay person?  Just a guess.

You're proud you're white.  You're proud you're married.  You're proud you have a job.  You're proud you're you...  Congratulations!  You won the lottery.  Seriously.  A lot of people arent that lucky to be born white and have an easier path.  You were probably never beat up for the color of your skin.  You were probably never beat for looking a certain way, dressing a certain way, or talking a certain way.  


(good follow up)
Dear Asshole who says "everyone has a fair chance,"
Again, I feel like you're related to the two previous assholes.  
Ummm, no.  It's not a fair chance, there is no even playing field.  If you're gay, black, female, mexican, disabled, or part of any minority group, its not even.  Even for sports, its not even.  Nothings even.  
Genetics are not even.  Opportunities are not even.  Our environments are not even.  We do not all get the same chances.   
So it is not a "fair chance," and yes the table is tilted towards particular groups and away from others.  Some are walking down hill their entire life and others are always climbing.  
So before you criticize government programs or changes in law, make sure you don't ever find yourself in a position to be asking for help or a "hand out."


Dear Asshole who says "Black history month?  Whens white history month!?"
The other 11 months.  sshh


Dear Asshole who runs from lane 2 to lane 4 when it opens up even though you were last in lane 2 and the cashier said "whoevers next please step over,"
I want you to know that I daydream about kicking your cart over as you make your move and cut everyone off.  Then I stare at you, praying you look over so I can shake my head in disappointment and disgust. 


Dear Asshole that stops calling friends over political or social beliefs,
ummm, buh bye.  
To the person who lost the asshole friend,
You'll be fine, they were flaky and weren't real friends anyway.  


(just had this argument last week)
When going to a wedding, you are supposed to pay for your dinner AND THEN a gift.  Its courtesy and should be common knowledge.


More tips for assholes:

Tip people on take out.
Don't look at your phone while people are talking.
Listen during conversations, don't just wait for your turn to talk.
Let people out of drive ways without speeding up and pressuring them to haul ass.
Do not dodge personal responsibility... for anything.  
Do not act like the expert, unless you actually are thee expert.  
Don't push your beliefs on other people...

wait a sec... was that one at me??  you son of a... how dare you?!?  


Then don't ask my opinion.


“Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.” 

Sunday, July 12, 2015

We'll just call him Doc (Ep 1) - Rocking Horse of Time

To keep the timelines somewhat... sturdy(?), we'll just call them all "Doc."  Him, her, 2015 or 2010, they were all just Doc.

*If that wasnt your cue to x out if you're looking for something "normal," or fitness based, well then this is.

This one has been paddling around the ole noggin for a few weeks but wasnt sure how to relay it.  Hence, Doc.
And the intro came to me today while walking listening to some music, when Release came on; ah-ha.
(Before reading on, understand the author is someone who fairly aggressively searches for answers and a means to fix his wiring. Internally, externally, emotionally, spiritually and any which ---lly his bored little brain can think of.  Do not think you know the author.  Read it clear, draw your own fresh pictures and erase what you think you know).

As accurate as possible, real or perceived

I met Doc a few years back to work through some trauma and search for questions/answers.    We spoke a few times, fairly general.  Throughout, I expressed my urge to move away from the area.  He asked where and how long, I had a vague destination but the length was forever.  Which is where the most basic of advice rolled in "Wherever you go, you may still have the same scenario."  And so we began to work.
He placed an old set of headphones on me, over-sized, foam around the edges to muffle most exterior noise, and gray w a spiral cord.  Attached was what seemed to be a radio tuner with a dozen or so knobs and switches.
The sound was a light static.  I could still hear him but he sounded distant and muffled.  He asked me to close my eyes, relax and listen carefully.  Obviously, my first thought was "ya right, I just met this freak and here I am w my eyes closed and cant hear anything around me..." but I did it anyway, I had nothing to lose.
"Just breathe."
And I did.
"Breathe in fully, inhale completely, control the exhale."
And I did... and soon, the static sounded like waves.  It began to sound like a subtle crash on shore, in and out, in and out.
"Where we are, we're going to walk..."
And I remember walking into the water... all the while hearing the waves and now a heart beat.
And I continued to walk deeper and deeper, under the water and I could hear Doc say "We're looking for a tunnel... inside the tunnel is a cabinet, go there."
I walked along the floor and eventually found myself drifting down into a dark tunnel.
The memory of walking into water was gone, I was floating, but without water, slowly working my way straight to the bottom.  I remember looking up and seeing light, then remembering "the cabinet, go there."
I remember spinning a bit, focusing on the heart beat and then it was there... a brown, rusted cabinet, three drawers high.
"I see it, I found it."
"Inside are files... files we need to open, to reopen... we'll stay here and wait until you feel ready."
I knew nothing of what we were looking for, of what he thought I needed to read inside the files.
But as I touched the cabinet, I heard music...
(just give the first 30 secs a go to feel it, its instrumental)
When the music began, and I recognized it, I cried.  I opened the drawer and there were countless manila folders, each with only a couple pieces of paper, or some with photos.

This was my introduction to another world, another level.  I now had a taste of a deeper level of consciousness, and began searching for paths back.
What else could be there?
What answers?  Or what new questions?
Are the roots to all of our habits, our insecurities, our dreams, buried out there?

Sunday, June 28, 2015

you clicked it... you really can only be mad at yourself.


Reality for some...
Its kinda like those old television sets you see in the movies... the two knobs with about 12 different setting to dial in on and the bunny ears on top.  You think it's a poor reception so you adjust it and slap the side, turning the knobs furiously... "uh... uh... its almost there... I got it!... dammit!"  just snow, and you might be able to catch every 3rd phrase... again, you think its a bad reception.


So uh, we've had some news lately, eh?  Just when the old farts wrapped their under-developed brains around Caitlyn Jenner...
A white woman faked being black and was in charge of the NAACP?  wha-wha-what?   "I identify as black."  This comment is just too much for me to wrap my brain around.  Is it possible?  I mean, if she really feels that way, then yes, it is reality.  Can we judge what race or sexuality or anything anyone "identifies," with?  Are we closing in on a weird line?
Coming from a guy who admittedly "identifies himself as an alien?"
Then puts his own words in quotes?
Reality is too entertaining for reality.


How about a scary story wrapped in a story about triumph of good and love over evil?
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same sex couple can marry in all 50 states.  Why this took so long to happen is absolutely mind blowing.  Oh ya, that whole "God said," stuff.  But besides that, since we are evolved enough to make good decisions, why did this take so long?  I'd imagine there was some financial advantage to keeping it illegal so why now?

Never mind... I don't care why or pretend to know the answers as to what the hold up was, I'm just extremely happy for everyone.  For some reason, I've always had an anti-bully, anti-douche bag, anti-asshole, anti-control freak program locked into my brain, so knowing this was illegal along with all the other shit that gays and minorities have dealt with far too long, really bothered and confused me.  Man-man, woman-woman, completely irrelevant to me.  People are people, love is love and there should be no law governing who can legally marry.

But then I scanned one of my social media feeds... and saw them.  Those disgusting, vial pigs, the cancer cells of our society.  Yes, the close minded, conservative, control freaks... and yes, in my feed 100% were old white men.
I know this because they posted "I'm white, straight and proud."  Thank "God," they posted this or I wouldn't have known from their profile pic of the them sitting in their Ford pick up drinking a Natty Light, flexing their 9" bicep with a mini confederate flag tattoo.  Were we supposed to be celebrating them again?  Were they upset they weren't at the parade?  I'm sure they would've been invited if they weren't such party poopers.
Maybe they have some deep hatred towards everything they're not, because they wish they were so much more than they are.

But then the fear settled in... I have two daughters.  What if they some day encounter these beasts along their path?  Knowing kids are born into a world where we have zombie-like hate creatures disguised as humans is terrifying!  On a level, we can teach kids to protect their brains from their close minded thinking.  But on the flip side, the beasts continue to breed... shit.  What a dilemma.  Can good and love continue to make strides fwd while leaving the Calvin pissing on Chevy bumper stickers behind?
The pessimist in me sees a beautiful painting coming together... then a bratty South Carolina kindergarten class comes along, trying to smear it with their muddin' fingers.  Until someone starts slapping these "youngsters," hands and putting them in time-out, I don't see it ending.
pst, that was a metaphor, i don't actually believe in physical behavior vs children.  But vs racist, homophobic, sexist, bigots?  I'm all for that.  
i can understand it you were raised a little backwards, that wouldn't be your fault.  But if you're an "adult," and haven't gotten your shit together with your prejudices and poor thinking, I really don't see what positive element you could possibly contribute to our society.
And if you're not here to contribute, why are you hear? 

Coincidentally, I wore this shirt to school in 1995.  I remember a teacher I looked up to looking at me disgusted and asked "Why would you wear that?"  At the time, I laughed him off, but from then on I knew who he was.  

This was the same teacher who told the class "Tattoos are a strong sign of lower class."
In his 50's, he still had plenty of growing up to do.

Friday, June 19, 2015


In honor of Hunters birthday, 6/18, how about a few quotes...

This Is Blue Chip