New Day

A piece of what I posted: 

So a former “client,” reached out. Someone I trained in middle school then high school, total stud athlete and badass human being. She asked if I could train her team she now coaches, local high school. I told those kids years ago and I tell all the kids when seasons end, “anything you need.” So when she asked, as long as my work schedule allowed, the answer is automatic yes.

So we’re talking, planning, setting a schedule, the simple stuff.

We get into the mental and she is already excited about how it’s going to go. I ask “what level do you want me?” because some teams, like some clients, some people, can really only handle a 5 or 6, they dont want 10. She says “I want what we had (back when we trained) the full ....” and paused, I said “say no more, I know what it is,” and we both laughed and we could feel that energy because we know. We know the darkness and how far in you have to go to get that sweet spot where you level up. I said “a lot of people don’t realize there are switches inside yourself to take you to another level and you don’t get those in a conversation or some random spot... You have to go deep into the dark spots inside and find your YOU. I think you find it w hardass work, the nasty physical work where you literally lose yourself down there and you come out new.”

Felt so good to know those words were still inside me. Then she stared, smiled, and laughed, nodded, said “this is going to be good.”

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Opportunities to be “new,” everyday.

I keep saying “new day, new me,” around the house and I think my wife thinks I’m being an asshole, mostly because I’ve been such an asshole (probably for a couple years). But I mean it literally. Everyday, recently, I’m trying to be new and better, everyday. New day, new me. Maybe the new me will be a better version of the old me, that’s actually what I’ve been praying for. I “killed,” that guy few years ago, now I’m in the resurrection process. Being around people that push the right buttons to get me to say what I wrote above is a crucial element. Like “oh, that ole juke box still has that song?” Keep throwing quarters in, I want to keep playing.

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Don’t play to your competition.

Don’t dumb down conversations because of your table.

Don’t censor your post because someone might think it’s weird.

Do you.

Put headphones in and feel the music hard.

Share the beauty you’ve found. If the people near dont vibe w it, don’t stop talking, find a new table who feels it like you feel it.

We let people suffocate our energy and over x moments, our uniqueness fades and then we become average jerkoffs. Don’t do that. Stay good and weird. Let the energy flow. Be yourself w no internal governor restricting anything that wants to release.

Release.

 A lot of conversations have been popping up around same similar topics or one primary really.  Insecurity.  

About 15 years ago, I was talking to someone about what I wanted to do, how I felt I could help people and that it was important.  I had an idea for a fitness center that was different.  I actually had a dream about a place where you could sign up for classes like a fitness schedule but instead of saying "oh I'm taking spinning at 11," the schedule was "ah, stress relief at 11, then I have goal planning at 1."  Even as I write it right now, the dream was so cool, I can still see the lobby and the entire thing I dreamt that night.  She said "I think you need to get over yourself and your inflated sense of self worth."   I don't know why, but that stuck with me.  "Inflated sense of self worth."  What a weird thing to say to someone.  Especially because I was never ego driven, it was never "I'm the best, I'm the man, my ideas rock," on and on, it was just a vision of an idea that can help people.  Ever since I learned I knew how to, its really all I wanted to do.  How can I help you have a better day?   

But I let "inflated sense of self worth," live in my head for over 15 years.  

We do that though, we let an idea live inside of us, no matter how inaccurate it is.  

The thing that rocked me, that I couldn't really put my finger on until recently, was that I have been surrounded by a lot of people that are real quick to say things like "you've lost it," or talk me out of ideas and the primary person that was the anti to these anti's, isn't here anymore.  That literally just hit me a week ago, damn near 5 years later... 4 years, 10 months and 3 days later, it hit me.  

I remember when the Yoga room was being put together, I'd think "she is going to think this is so cool." People showing up at parks for "bootcamps," blew her away.  "All those people go?"  ya ma.  "That many people read your blog?"  ya ma  "You work with all those kids?"  

People really underestimate or just don't share how hard it can be to lose your mom.   For years, I imagined the call to prep myself for the call.  I handled the call fine on the outside.  I handled the day fine on the outside.  I handled the meetings, the funeral variables, my dad, kids, all of that, just fine on the outside.  I don't think my daughter saw me cry until just recently actually.  Because when she died, and how she died, I said "that's my fault.   How could I let her die like this?   How could I not motivate her?  How could I reach her?"   Then "if I cant reach her, of all the people in the world, how can help anyone else?"   

A little while later, when the momentum ran out, when the enthusiasm faded, I unplugged the machine and that was it.   IT it.  I would be in a room and someone would ask a question about working out or anything related and I acted like I had to google it.  I was talking and I literally said "what are those things called?   You like put your hands on a bar and drop your body... something for these muscles back here," and pointed to my triceps, "Oh ya, dips!  I used to do those."

Without her energy, I let all that negativity build and things just faded.  Enthusiasm to be myself faded.  I let the things people said, even 10-20 years ago, started brewing and I let it turn off things inside.  Thinking back, it's so weird to think of the things that people said and how I let it sink in so much.  Even writing that, I wonder what is wrong w me that I let people effect me like that... and that's one of the things that hit me.   WE ALL let people do that to us.  

We might lie about it, but we have it.   We might not share it, but we have it.  Insecurity.  

I was talking to a friend the other day and she said "My friends find pleasure in knowing I'm not good at something."   She barely finished the word "something," before I said "they're losers."   She said "they're my friends," I said they're not, she said "well its all I have."  We talked a bit more and at the end she thanked me for the talk and went on our way.   

That was probably the 5th conversation that week that was about insecurity and people letting other people effect their own feelings about themselves.   I was in gyms a long time, had a lot of conversations, a lot of goal setting.... its a therapy.... know how many clients were there because an insecurity drove them in?   About 90%  

Side note:  I'm so glad we met.  

I'm so glad I was the guy you trusted that process with.

Why do we let people plant an idea that festers into a dark wound inside of our selves, when we actually have the control to just not accept it?   It's our minds.  Its our soul.  We are in control, or working to be.   Why would we let someone say something or treat us a particular way that would make us think something different about ourselves when NO ONE knows our own self like we do?   That sounds so crazy.   Even rereading that, I sound a little crazy, but its a crazy statement. 

So I've been spending a lot of time and energy trying to build habits back up of things I used to do that fed me energy, made me feel good about the work I was doing, helped me find the words in conversations to make it make sense and help someone.   

I was with a friend the other night, another story about shitty friends.  I said "stop playing down to the table," because this person has told me several times how they hide themselves in fear of being judged by his friends.  So stop playing down to the table is like "Don't play down to the competition."   Don't act like a 5 just because you're sitting with 6's.   Be a 10.  

Think about our kids.  Do we crap on their ideas and tell them "nah, I've seen your little butt run around, there's no soccer in your future."  No way.  We encourage, we help, we show up, we clap and support.  When is that last time you encouraged a friend?   When is the last time you encouraged yourself?   Right?   Again, I reread it and I say "don't post this, reads crazy" but reread it and ask yourself and tell me who's crazy.   When is the last time you encouraged yourself?  When is the last time you helped yourself?   When is the last time you clapped for yourself?   Why would it be any different?    We all beat ourselves up real well, when was the last time you took time to heal?  

I wrote "We let people suffocate our energy and over x moments, our uniqueness fades and then we become average jerkoffs. Don’t do that. Stay good and weird. Let the energy flow. Be yourself w no internal governor restricting anything that wants to release."

Don't spend time with people who leave you feeling drained, having  such average, fast food conversations (no nutritional value).  

Don't let people suffocate your energy.  They may hide as people looking out for you, they may mean well, but don't let them fade the fire.   Once that flame goes out, its a real bitch bringing it back.  Remember, no one knows you like you know you.   Find encouragers of the mission, not people knocking you off the track.  A lot of people fear greatness and achievers and dreamer/doers because your success shames them because they gave up too early.  Trust me, they may love you, they may hide as the form of someone close, but if you a dream to do something, do not listen to them. 

Don't be shy to let the truth out.  If the last couple years showed us anything, its that life can get sideways really quick and time goes really fast.  Life is too short to dim your energy.  Express it as often as possible.  

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These conversations with other people, I started hearing my own words, feeling my own energy.  It felt like a drug again.  I was high.   

If my kids grow up really good at something and they love it and they just stopped doing it, what would I say to them?   

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You owe it to your soul