Just Breathe

7 days... took about 5 to hammer me.  I think those first few days were like getting shot out of a cannon, straight up into the air and you're thinking "hooooo-lllllly shiiiit," as you're shot 500 feet up... then theres a slight pause... then you redirect and head straight to the earth and crash.
And it is one fucking crash.

The best exercise I have, is to give advice to myself as if it were someone else.  When I have my own positive voice, trying to feed myself positive input, it feels right.  Trouble is, our own positive voice can get its ass kicked by the million other voices. And when you're talking to someone who is stressed to all hell, crying periodically throughout the day, and lost someone... what can you say?
I would sit him down and say - You have to take care of yourself.

I've written it a few dozen times in a few dozen ways, I'm sure, but it's all connected.  Right?  I think we're all in agreement on that by now.  We know our mind controls everything, emotions are stored in muscles/joints, stress(es) can beat the shit out of system, our stomach and  digestive tract is nearly our second brain, on and on.  Very random list, but if you dont know our bodies are more than "left foot, right foot, eat, shit, sleep," then this blog entry is a bit much for you.   All of our systems are connected.  They communicate and create, heal and hurt.

So in life, when shit is hitting the fan all around you... focus on the basics and take care of yourself.  Same thing I'd say in the gym or on the field.  Keep it simple, take care of yourself.  Do the next right thing, then do the next right thing.  Put a bunch of those in a row and now you have momentum.  Do it again and channel that pain into product, use the anger for energy, burn it off and let it go.
Thats all for today.


In person, please dont ask how I'm doing.  I can lie in text, so thats ok, but not to your face, and I'd rather not ruin the moment.  I know its the only thing to ask, but its ok, Id rather you didnt.

4/17

I was supposed to write a post or do something to let her old friends or maybe my old friends know.  

So I sat in the kitchen for a minute trying to think of what to write or where to write it.  I figured here was a nice, comfy spot and ironic considering I always assumed my mom "padded," my blog stats (by opening the links a couple hundred times, making me feel like people read it). 

Because when I post this after finishing, she won't be sitting at her computer screen looking up crafts or planning a garden or opening this link.  Because somewhere between midnight and 6am on April 17th, she passed away.  

So as I sat in kitchen deciding this blog, I then wondered what I'd write when sitting down.  What could I say?  What's not cliche or corny?  So I asked, What's honest?  

My mom was the kind of person you'd meet or know or sit with and you'd walk away thinking "I wish my mom was more like that."  

Anything good you could say about me, it came from her.  If you think I'm nice or empathic, I don't know.... any positive characteristic I have, she gave it to me.  

I remember being a little kid and it was always "be nice to your brother and sister," and "treat people how you want to be treated," and constant attention to my life, and my brother and sister.  She just wanted everyone to be nice and get along and she did everything she could to ensure that wherever she was.  

And fed.  Probably in backwards order.  

Are you hungry?

Are you being nice?

And then, you're not in trouble, are you?

As a grandmother.... even better.  Really.  She taught the girls and put them right into this momentum they're carrying, of arts and literature and music and it's amazing.  I rarely write about them but my daughters are 4.0 students, can pick up nearly instrument and play something within 30 minutes, paint your crafts for the season then help plant your garden.  Clearly, I don't obtain those attributes and although their school brains comes from their mother, I see my moms "teachings," all over them.  They think and problem solve, I think my dad helped w that. They read between the lines and see you, they know when I lie.  

I always said "if Abby was taller, she'd work for me."  At this rate, I should be really nice to her.... she might be interviewing me in about 10 years.  Livi is a mini me, which might be a mini mom, so....

In mid-Feb when things unraveling, we sat in a room and talked.  And I saw the panic on her eye, the kind i saw when she'd need me to help her on some stairs... and she asked "would you be mad at me?" 

I asked for what.

She said "if I can't beat this...."

"No mom," even here caring how we feel about her cancer.  

This evening as I stood next to her body, only sister in the room, i held her hand and thanked her.   That's all I could think to say... thank you.

Thank you for helping raise the girls. 

Thank you for how you raised us. 

Thank you for being so supportive and kind and loving and helpful and everything you were.  

Things are a little darker without her light.

Notes

I was working with the team this week.  Pretty solid session, a lot of younger guys that I haven't worked much with yet.  It was just day 1 of the week, but I saw something that needed tweaked moving fwd, so I brought them over after the session to talk a bit.  I asked, "Is there something more you could've done today?  As the session came near the end, did you let up or were you looking for more work?"

Again, day 1 and I just met a lot of these guys, so it wasn't time to blow anything up yet, but I saw a lot of comfort and easy walking.  This was a weight room session, not throwing horseshoes at a picnic.  So I drew the picture of what it looks like, what a team looks like, what a business looks like, what a human looks like when they do just enough to get by.  

I got by.  

I made it.

I finished.  

Now, these guys were good to go the rest of the week.  I think they enjoyed the talk, but this got me thinking through the week.  

How we can get into ruts or grooves of habit where we start to say things like that and operate like that... just enough.  Clean enough, done enough, good enough, lets relax now.  

I do it.  (I've said it nearly every blog, I'm above or below, I'm with).  I have days where the as is just eh and I'm just getting by.... but I notice it. When it happens, I step back and try to witness myself as a character and get a little "judgy."

And I literally stop and ask myself two questions:

1) Whats the next right thing?

2) What more can I do?  

"Whats the next right thing?" I think can solve so many situations, conversations, anything.  Good or bad day, high energy or low energy, even stuck in traffic or waiting to watch your daughters 3 hour, 5th grade talent show, "What's the next right thing?" will keep momentum rolling or if it wasn't too hot, it'll help bring it back.  

And "Whats the next right thing?" might be super simple or something you overlook or take for granted.  The next right thing might be a phone call to a friend or even a little you time.  

Question #2 was "What more can I do?"  and this one gives me anxiety... to a point where I'm kind of struggling right now.  A few intense situations are soaking up some emotional energy and its had an effect.  So asking "What more can I do?" has caused some sleep issues.  

But I honestly don't know if I'd want it any other way.  Because that anxiety and fear of the question ever flipping around and wondering "What more could I have done?" is too much.  

So I ask "What more can I do?" to keep moving and energy focused, to stay ahead of and avoid failures.