"Stop taking shit so seriously."
"Maybe not everyone wants to know these things."
"Maybe people just want to be happy and not see that."
Covid may have cranked it all up a notch, but it still is what it is. And I never felt any benefit from keeping the dark in the dark. So I wanted to share on here a few videos from time to time on this platform, same videos I like to share on the Blue Chip FB page with some context and clarification.
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I went to the doc recently... I sat down, she asked "Are you in any pain?" Seems simple enough, but A) I'm very used to saying no, but then B) also felt this is a doc, maybe I should be honest, so I nodded and said "yeah." She asked "How much pain?" I laughed and said "Normal pain."
I was in another atmosphere getting some "work," done, and was asked "Are you depressed?" This one paused me for a moment mostly because its not an everyday type question... Casually, I said "sure." She asked "Why? What about?" I laughed and said "I'm paying attention to the world." Normal depression.
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We've heard songs and thought "wow, that's my song."
That's how this podcast feels. The back and forth between Jordan and Lex feels like sitting with two good friends having a great time.
One of my favorite quotes starts this off, "Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." I remember when I first listened to this episode, I was sitting at JT's Diner having lunch, and when Lex read this, I had to pause the player. The way he read it and the moment I was having, it really hit me.
"Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster."
Have you ever "battled monsters?" Did it bring something out of you, you didn't know you had? Another side?
Its a real challenge to "battle," and not change. And to battle actual monsters, which there are, there really are, you have to be careful. I think we've all tip toed this line, the only difference between us was the "monster."
How dark did we have to go to secure a righteous outcome?
Did the ends justify the means?
And did you become the monster in the process?
Jordan responds, "Bring it on. If you gave into the abyss long enough you see the light and not the darkness."
I think this line was somehow installed into me young.
I'm comfortable w darkness and "diving into the deep end of the pool," and I think for a really good reason. (See last video at the bottom of this entry for more on that).
Without the ability to see in the dark, how would we find everyone?
Even this entry as is, or a conversation that may follow it, illuminates bits of the pieces of the darkness. And the more willing we are, the more of us there are, the more assistance is available.
If I didn't know depression the way I do, I couldn't have those conversations. And then when I do, when we do, something lights up. And if the torch catches fire, that's now strength that can be passed to help add more light and light another torch to light another torch.
the relationship with pain, depression, the darkness is needed (this is me, you have your thing),
and I think crucial to knowing your self. It all hits us. No one is immune to these emotions. The better you are at recognizing the emotion, able to ull its mask off and say "ah, its just you again... nice try," because again, the darkness can be lit.
This rolls into the next video which was from the same podcast.
Not sure if the video works first or my words. .jpg)
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Short video, around 90 secs.
"Sometimes your gaze can be forcefully directed towards the abyss," and "the more its voluntary the more transformative it is."
For me, what comes to mind first were the words awareness and maturity. A handful of others fall into the maturity bucket like preparation.
I think these words because my moms death is the driver on this one for me, not the video, but a new darkness.
Because of her poor health history, I knew any day could be the day. Just never knew. That's a challenging thought to sit with for 15-20 years. So when it happened, I buckled in because I knew it was going to be a new ride. I think that's the difference between forcefully directed," and "voluntary."
Jordan says "Do not hide unwanted things in the fog." This goes for emotions as well. The fog will eventually rise and the thing you hid, will be exposed. You can bring it out now and handle it.... or not a suffer longer.
And still crying doesn't mean "unhealed."
Which leads into below...
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I'd like to write it out... I wrote that and didn't know why.... I think because posting a video, I send it out there with people in mind, but... did it hit the target? Maybe as a me to you, maybe as "I see you," maybe as "the lights still on."
I was trying to tell you how to avoid the road to hell.. and I wasn't shaking my finger at you and I didn't think I was a moral authority.. I didn't wan you to burn.
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Bring the dark to light.
Heavy conversations need to happen. With no fear. No "single serving," conversations, no value meals. Take a seat and turn off the phones.
I'm lucky I have a few guys I can sit with. Not everyone has that but we all need it.
