Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Inside Job

I know I wrote that I wasnt planning on writing much or anything, but I was telling a friend the story I'm about to write.  An hour later, this pic shows up in my text.


In the past, I've hinted at or pretty much told you about the different types of therapies I get involved with.  No medications. I heard a quote once that was something like "They cut at the damaged branches while ignoring the roots."  I think that fits well how I approach this.  For better or worse, whatever I find, I want the roots.  

Between the float tank and hypnotization (isnt that a word?  my spell check is flagging it), I've had 3 visions that have had a great effect on me, #3 being most dramatic.

I've replayed them in my head so many times, I feel I've shared them already.  If I start one you've read, skip ahead.

I remember being above a stage in an old theater,  parallel to the curtains, so I could see the play and the back stage action.
No one was in the audience.  The only action was seeing people walk across at one side and walk back in the other, but when they'd walk behind the curtain, they turned blank.  No face, generic body.  They made their way back over to the entrance side again and repeated it.  They'd come out new.  new bodies, new faces and then return back stage to nothing.  
What it means... I dont know.  Maybe we're all the same.  Maybe this vision was trying to teach me.

As I've said, in these sessions, I'm gone.  GONE.  So I do believe, a deep level of my subconscious is at play throughout.  Trouble shooting, relaying messages.  There's a communication at play that I cant hear during daily activities... it's always there, but muted or hidden underneath all the traffic and confusion that we see as our lives.

Similar to above but uniquely different.
I was floating in the tank, and once i stop splashing around like a child, I force myself to focus in on my meditation, something I've been very good (disciplined) with lately.  
First let me explain the tank.  When you walk into the room, it looks like a box you wouldnt fit in, or me at least.  You step inside and its maybe 4-6 inches of salt water, the salt water keeps you floating.  You step in and lay down, closing the hatch above your head.  When you do this, it's now pitch black.  No sound, no smells.  The water and air are the same temp as your body, so once you stop moving for a few seconds and relax... you're off.  Now, there is a mind game at play here, big time.  My first time, it was tricky getting comfy, to stop wondering how it was working or to move around, not trusting the process.  All of these were distractions and resistance. 

So, I'm meditating in a pitch black box of salt water...
My focus is to breathe.. in and out, inhale a thought, exhale a thought... inhale and exhale, imagine my head getting more and more clear with every exhale.  If something distracting pops in, I acknowledge it and exhale it and move on. 
Before I know it, I'm seeing things... 
I remember seeing the back of film strips.  As if I was on the opposite side of a movie screen.  I was looking out or up (eyes closed), and seeing myself as a kid, but everything was in reverse.  Lefts were rights, and all of that.  And it was black and white.  As I watched, the screen waved round, like the wind would blow it, it didnt stop or move out of distance, just waved like a flag and continued on. 
I remember thinking "why is it like this?  Why do I see the opposite side?"

You know when you jerk out of nap fast?  That is scary as shit when your in a black box of water.

I was diving deep into a state... I knew going into this session, that it was going to be intense but that was my intent.  I wanted to dive as deep as possible and see whats there.

So I'm focusing my thought on a person and people... I'm seeing them/him/her, and they up above me, at a 45 degree angle floating around, spinning and moving.
Somehow, they changed into a ball.  A large glowing ball of colors and angles.  think of rubics cube, but with unlimited colors and instead of 6 sides, its millions. Just a bright ball of neon and shapes, spinning around, glowing, w a beating heart... in my head, it was still people/a person.... but visually, it was a glowing ball of shapes and colors.

i remember coming out thinking that this really was who we are.  for days I thought - We think we're just a, b and c, but we're limitless and not just a particular type of limitless, but even limitless from there.  The colors were already unlimited, but the shapes magnified it by itself, limitless. 

I've approached all people differently since.  And I was already a fairly emotional, empathetic, sensitive guy (to a point), this definitely added a level. 
People talk to me and I can wonder - Is this habit, or are they doing the math?  The decision they're making, the thoughts they're having, are they new?  Is it out of protection?  Are they feeling and hearing their voice?  

The eyes can tell you everything.  Body language is one thing, but it's all right there in the eyes.    

The therapy is very real guys.  I suggest you dive in. 

I've had this song in my head.  I miss using it in the power room. 
One time, crank it up all the way.  

Monday, September 14, 2015

You're on the clock

(I'll attempt to keep details vague to hide some things).


I was in a public place and someone I knew was there, just one.  We know each other enough, but not enough where we care to do anything more than a nod or smile.
So at some point I had to ask a quick question, physically, words weren't even needed, and person x looked... Kinda sneered and brushed it off like "ya ya get out of my face."

Personally, I didn't give a shit.  They are who they are.  But it did hit me what they do for a living.  I thought "if I needed my hair done, i would never go to x or recommend just because they're an asshole."
I used to give a similar talk to trainers in class, I'd say - You are your business card and you're always on the clock.
You never know who is watching, who is paying attention, why they're paying attention, who they know, how it could affect you one day, etc.

THEN it hit me from another angle... How much it must suck to have to put on an act.  To be a dick in real life, but have to fake it.  To be an actual asshole, a bad, rude, douche and have to smile at people and it be disingenuous (did I use that big word correctly?)
  I used to work for a guy like that.  He'd smile to your face, compliment you and give you a pat on the back, but demean you in private.   

So pretend we're on the clock... Are you free to be you?
Are you good enough to be yourself?  The real you? Brave enough?

The rude, the assholes, bullies, dickheads, whatever else... They're just damaged humans who wear their big tough mask to intimidate.   I don't dislike them, I have sympathy for them and their weakness.

I like people who aren't afraid to show their scars and tattoos.  People who aren't ashamed of their travels, but proud of their survival.  They know how to smile at the pain and accept days as lessons on the journey, open to all its experiences, whether labeled "good," or "bad," in their head.
But their is no good and bad, just lessons.  And some lessons suck and we may wish we didn't learn them or that they were able to be learned w less pain.
But I train smarter because of my injuries.
I appreciate more because of my failures.
I love you all more because I know lonliness.... (And you know my clock is legit, wherever you see me.)
People who need their hair just so, never swear, overly concerned w they're perfect limit image...? We all see right through you.
When you know pain, when you know your edge, not the bullshit "edge," of a freakin yoga mat, your life edge, you've seen another side of it all and your appreciation for literally everything is magnified.  

I was in a theatre, 12-13 years ago, watching a movie alone.  Fight Club.  
Put away candy crush for 4 minutes, watch this, then come back: http://youtu.be/9PWbSsVYeFo

Wouldn't you rather absorb life and the interpretation of?
Be flawed but be nice. 
Have an experience.
Do something uncomfortable.
If you're not weird, I don't trust you.  I know you'll break when needed.  The weird have very few fears and they're willing to let it fly.
When's the last time you went for a run in the woods and got lost? On purpose.
What's your last rock concert?
When's the last time you cried? Out of happiness or sadness, both.
What's the last thing that excited you?  That made your heart race, made you nervous?
What are you going to leave behind? 
Regret or experiences?  A story or nothing at all?  
Did you help or did you hurt?  
Did you take or give?  

You are on the clock, like it or not.
Are you going to sit their watching the minutes/hours then days and weekends "oh shit, I'm 34 already!" then 40-45-50... "What do I do?  It's almost over and I haven't done anything!"

Get in the game.

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This Is Blue Chip