Check Engine

 We've all noticed that light.  

We see it and often think, "hhhmmm let's see if it goes away," or "maybe it's nothing," trying to talk ourselves into best case scenario, but it's on.  

We get home, turn the car off, "we'll see how it is tomorrow," head inside and forget all about it.  

"We'll see how it is tomorrow."   Procrastination.  

Ignoring the signals, denial and disbelief.  

The next morning, the light wasn't immediately there, the day started right.  Our entire commute was good, no troubles.  We then go through the day, walk out to the car to head back home, car starts right up... "see, it was nothing."   Then we catch a little traffic and we're idling.  Standstill to 5mph back to standstill.  Oooh some daylight, maybe the jam is over, up to 15mph... nope, back to 5mph.  

Then the light turns back on.  

Shit.  Now you're nervous.  This is NOT the place to have car trouble, center lane on the busiest highway in the city, rush hour.  Not here, not now.  

But it's our fault.  The light was on yesterday.   We saw it, we denied it, we thought we knew better than the signal. "We'll see how it goes."   Well here it is, and not only is the light on, the gauges are starting to read high and you're wondering, "Do I need an oil change?  Did I miss a recall notice?  Did I drive too hard, did I do this?"  

Maybe you get angry and hit the wheel, "Damn car!"

But the light was on.  The sign was there.  You chose to ignore it.  

Damn car.  

Damn knee.  

Damn job.  

Damn husband. 

Damn dog.  

Right?   

Damn coworker.  

Damn coach.  

Damn headache.  

Damn kids. 

Too often, we find ourselves in situations of stress, trouble, injury, turmoil, because we ignore the check engine lights.   Sometimes they're subtle.  Sometimes it's slow text response, sometimes it's just a minor pinch of pain, sometimes it's just an odd behavior we chalk up to a bad day, but the light was there.  Instead of checking under the hood or taking it in to a specialist, we said, "We'll see how it is tomorrow," or "Maybe it goes away," or better yet, "Maybe it's nothing."   

Sometimes it's an alarm.  It's loud, it shocks us out of our seat.  But even then we sit back too often in disbelief... "did I just see what I think I saw?"  "Did I hear that right?"

Check under the hood.  Handle the maintenance.  

Stretch, eat right and get sleep.  Talk, clear the air and be honest.   Get the knee looked at when you have that pinch.  Go to the doc if you're having headaches more often.  Have that 1 on 1 with a coworker and get right.  Examine your thoughts, your goals, your personal why and make sure the system is in alignment.  

Don't ignore the light, the rusted signs, the instincts, and end up broken down in the middle of nowhere.  

100% Chance of Weather

 3 things adjust my view and always present.  The dark, the light and the clock.  How they're "present," is like going to the eye doc and he sets lenses up to clear vision.  "A or B, B or C," and we say "hhhmmm I think C!" and off we go.  I can see when I see dark and light w the clock hanging above.  It always hangs above and it doesn't stop til the end.  

The light is happiness.  We laugh and joke, enjoy things, its a real good time.  I love seeing it and living in this space. It's the kids playing, people are relaxing and enjoying sunshine, it's the cook out.  It's wins.  It's momentum.  It's bonus.   Wind at our back type moments.   Green lights.  This needs no preparation.   Just sit back and have a good time. 

Then there's the flipside.  These days are coming too and nothing you can do can stop it.  Just like you can't stop the weather, can't stop the storm, above you didn't request 80 degrees and clear skies and here you didn't request the flood.  Sudden change.  Tears, depression, challenges you are not (or didn't think you were) ready for. It's loss.  It's the rut.   Out of business.  Dumped.  No answers, no explanations, things just didn't work out the way you imagined and now you feel loss.  

Without the dark, the light wouldn't feel so good.  Without the winter, summer wouldn't matter as much.  And without death and the clock, time would be irrelevant.  

None of it is ever out of my view.  In every "light," I see the darkness lingering, so laughing can make me cry, because I cant stop hearing the ticking.  Literally.  In the dark, the sadness and pain makes me laugh for the exact same reason.   I believe this awareness is A) why I'm not invited out much, I'm not a lot of fun, but also B) why things mean so much.  I am completely aware that any moment could be ours.   

How did you read that last line?  What was your very first thought or emotion when you read,  "Any moment could be ours,"?

You probably just tipped off what light you live in.  If you read that as ending or death, well there you go.  If you read that as opportunity and life, same thing. 

Things never stop changing.   

You don't need much to prepare for sunshine, do you?   Maybe some sun screen, but we're so goofy, we hide from it half the time.  90 degrees out and most people run for chilly AC and shade.   Not me, that's my favorite running weather.  90+ is all mine, no sunscreen.  I want some burn and some pain.  

We plan events around the sunshine because we think we can count on it being there.  Most of the time it is.  Weatherman says "75 and clear skies," we say "perfect day for the park!" or the beach or whatever.  But what do we do when weatherman calls his shot and he's wrong?  Whoopsy.  

Now is when we see who is who.  Who planned in the dark?   Who prepared their mind for this call?  Who envisioned hearing the voice mail... "she's gone."  Who is ready to put their shit away for the tornado rolling in?  "Hope you saved a few bucks, we're about to shut down!"  

Bonus checks, sunshine, wins, your kids, even most love, wont teach you anything without the darkness and the clock.  So how are you going to be ready?   

Find it.  Don't go home after work and get all cozy and lazy.  Don't be satisfied with a few wins under your belt.  7-3?   Fuck those 7 wins, I want to talk about the other 3 (so imagine what 0-10 did/does to me).  Go to the gym, workout hard as fuck and ring out that day of moments you'll forget.  Or go to the gym, workout hard as fuck and ring out the day to put in perspective.   

Nothing can ever be harder than what you're willing to do to yourself.  I think that's a mandatory thought.   Nothing can ever be harder than what you're willing to do to yourself.  This sets a bar of how much we can handle.  How much bad weather.  

Never too high, never too low.   The dark always has some light, the light always has the dark and the clock never stops... the only thing that makes it matter is it will end.  So enjoy both.  Use both.  The hardest, darkest things in and of my life have given me just as much as the greatest, brightest and most perfect. 

It's all memorable and useful.   

Hey you, 

Leave memories behind that flood them w emotion... of all the good, all the effort, all the examples, all the lessons, all the love.  Make them laugh, make them think, grow, learn from mistakes and be there to assist the pick ups.  Leave them with stories.  Make them aware and mindful of the ride we're on, so that they can spread it and build momentum.  Train yourself to be ready for all the weather and show them how you did it.  Share. Don't rush, but know, any moment could be ours. 

Just 20 Quick Things ("Now What Do We Do?" follow up)

 Jordan Peterson said "I don't know how you lay it out properly... but you tell people that you love how to avoid the road to hell, and you don't do that because you're shaking your finger at them or because you're a moral authority.   You do it because you don't want them to burn."   

A few years ago, I wrote "He asked, 'Now what do we do?" and I painted a picture, a bit of an abstract thought pattern for designing a path of life through a stage.   A very beginner, a new explorer type idea, limitless.  You are the creator.   

They didn't outright ask, but I saw it on their faces... even 1000 miles away.  Again, "Now what?" 

So I reached out to people I look up to.  I reached out to people I seek out for advice or people that help me spark a new thought to rebuild the energy.  Below is a collection of texts I recvd along with my own thoughts, maybe rules of life I learned through x failures, through pain, through seeing kids grow up, the good and the bad, the light and the dark.  It all teaches.  I don't feel I have a moral authority, I don't want you to burn like others have.   

Below might be a paragraph, might be a fortune cookie.  People may have sent me a full write up, might have been one line.  Doesn't matter.  Hope you enjoy and find at least one thing useful for your ride.

Go

Know when to control, know when to let go.  

This will become a learned skill through x opportunities, observations and then reflection and correction.  Sometimes, the best thing to do is to let go.  I don't remember the book, but this reminds me an old Buddhist based book about letting go of the outcome.  You can only do and control so much, especially when working with other people.  Sometimes the momentum is too much for your energy to overcome.  Do what you can, do the best you can, and enjoy the ride.  

Don't feel the need to fill a room with empty words

Ever sit and listen to people?   Watch them talk?   Actually focus in on what drives conversation?   So much should really be left unsaid (my own opinion, although I shouldn't really need to say that as this is what it is, my blog).  I think when you talk less and think more, your words come from a space of worked-out thought and not thrown into the air to be figured out as they land.   When you talk less and think more, the thoughts are already finished, for the most part, and the conversation can volley, if needed.  Otherwise, people puke all of these random, nearly unplanned, over-emotional phrases around and hope they land on the correct person, in the correct order, so the person listening can understand them clearly and then agree, disagree, or engage however needed.  Talk less, think more.  

I don't think my wife likes that I like silence as much as I do, but I do.  Absolute silence is very peaceful, which is why I love the float tank the way I do.   Gives me plenty of space to clear all distractions and lock in on one thought, without 500 fireworks firing off all around me, all needing me to catch them or comment on them or even look up at them.  No, I just want to think and be at peace inside my own head.  Sometimes we need to turn all of those fireworks off, all the outside off, and go deep within.  When we talk less and think more, we have that space.  If we don't, do we really have anything?  Talk less, think more. 

Never stop learning something 

High school may be over, college may be over, a new job orientation may be over.  Even the "dating," phase of any relationship may be over.   Never stop learning.   The world moves quickly.  Jobs can change, hobbies change, your likes and dislikes can change.  The person I am today, I'm not sure how recognizable I am compared to who I was.  I'm so different actually, I get confused when someone says hi to me, I assume they don't know me, its that far away.  

Read.  Read about history and read opposing views.   "History is written by victors."   Read the version of the losers.  

Read about philosophy.  You have to learn how to learn yourself.  I'm sorry, but so many people have no clue why they do what they do.  People have behavior that consistently tracks them towards poor finishes, then they wonder why... check the playbook.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Change.  Learn yourself.  It's ok.  There is no shame in change, if change is needed.  You cant be a monster your entire life, making everyone near you miserable.  One of the worst things to do is just that, then regret it, but do it again because you don't know how to recognize the thought patterns that create the action.   Learn yourself.  Write.  Write your story from as far back as you can remember to now and I bet you figure somethings out.  

Learn how to cook.  Cant depend on apps to delivery your food or anyone else to make a meal.  I think this is pretty standard thing to do and pretty useful if you get good at it.  

Learn how to manage your money.   What should you actually be investing in?   Land?   Nickel?   Gold?  What is the long game?   I don't know much about this but I know its a skill you'll need.  The only thing I knew was "Do not go into debt!"  especially credit credit card debt.  If you don't have the cash, do you really need it?  *this point will age horribly or perfectly over the next few years.

How does your body operate?   What exactly is insulin?  What are your kidneys for?   How much sleep do you need?   What does fat do?  What does cholesterol do?  I cant go too far into this one on this post, but I should have placed it first.  I don't think there's anything more important than understanding this awesome "machine," we operate 24/7/365 until the day we breathe our last breath.  How amazing is that to think about?   Even more amazing, how little we have to think about it?   Mind blowing, really.  You are the owner, GM, CEO, CFO, CHO, player, trainer, coach, of the most miraculous organism we've ever known and we nearly never take the time to address that.  To enjoy it.  To fully experience it and witness it.  Think about that.   

And speaking of your body... 

Trust your gut

Instincts will take you a long, long way.  Trust them.  Part of your instincts will become pattern recognition.  When they zig instead of zag, be ready.  When eyes dilate, breath gets weird, you'll see it coming and not even see it coming, but you'll see it coming.  You will learn to read what wasn't written, hear what wasn't said.  The timing between words, the eyes that look away briefly, flushed skin, tapping fingers, posture.  The change up in patterns they didn't even know they were running will flag you.   Take notice.  

The subconscious is always running, always trouble-shooting.  Could be a moment, days, even months later when you think ahhhhh... I know now, and it hits you. 

Back to talk less, think more... the quieter it is, the easier it is to hear.   

 Recognize and control thought patterns

Be mindful of your own thought habits and self-stories.  Like I wrote in '17, you are the creator, most importantly the narrator you hear all day and night.  You can change the way the narrator talks to you.  The things he/she says.  Control those thoughts and you will begin to operate at a higher level.  

Focus on your path

Focus on the best thing you can do right now.  What is it?   Go do it.  

Do you want to start a business?   A blog?   A website?  A new career?   Do you want to run across the country?   Stare at the goal, focus on the goal, walk towards the goal and make all decisions that align with the goal and I bet you hit it.   

Work to Impress yourself, not others

Impressing others will be nice.  Applause, thanks, appreciation, that might be really nice.  But if that's what you chase, if that's the motivation, you will be left depressed and chasing the applause.  Use Focus on the Path to help you lock in and achieve the greatest possible thing you can think of.  You will impress yourself and then you'll have the tools, the drive, the skillset to reload and do it again but for a greater feet.  Isn't that what growing up is about?   We go from flailing around, to crawling to walking, then running and so on.   We have a fair amount of time, but it goes by really fast.  Use it to chase something awesome.  You will impress yourself and probably inspire someone else to chase there's as well.  

...but Don't quit  

Or as Dr. Jordan Peterson says "If you're going to quit, you better replace it with someone equally challenging."   BY FAR, not even close, my biggest regrets are the things I quit.  Not even close.  I don't have to spend any time thinking about it.  Do not quit your chase.   (more on this in Do Not Throw Your Gifts Away - below)

Be of service to someone or something and make them look great

I think this one is a really good way to spend some time.  A lot of benefit here.  Maybe it's donating time to assist on a project with a neighbor, or volunteering for local community event.  I don't know the psychology on this, really haven't given it a lot of thought until right now... but I think it helps the self-esteem to not feel useless, when you help someone else.  Maybe I just wrote it backwards, but thats how I feel about it.  Helping people, gives value to my time. More of this would probably feel pretty good.   

Get over yourself 

As disappointing as it is to learn this harsh truth... brace yourselves... the world actually doesn't revolve around you.  Booooom, heads just exploded, people are running mad, dragons are flying, cities are burning, the earth just opened up and swallowed California, its the end of the world!  

Do what's right, not what's popular 

You'll know the difference.  

1-way door vs 2-way door

Heard this one recently and I really like it, a logical way of devoting energy to decisions.  A 1 way door is just that, a door that opens one way.  Once you walk through, you cannot go back.  These are permanent moves.  A 2 way door, opens both ways.  You can walk in, assess, stay or leave.   Knowing the difference between 1-way doors and 2-way doors can save you a lot of energy, time and heart ache.  Don't waste too much time on prelim work with 2-way doors, you can always go back.  It's the 1-way doors that need the energy.  

Fill up your tank first 

You cant take of others if you're running on fumes.  You might be "ok," but you will not be at your best.   

The company you keep

Be mindful of the people near you.  If you don't like them, you're probably saying a lot about yourself.  If they're not very ambitious, you're probably saying a lot about yourself.  You can continue that x+y=z on and on... the people near you are you.  It's a mirror.   

Build up one dominant skill 

A jack of all trades is nice.  Very useful.  But have one card you can throw down and own it.  That card that says "this is my shit and I dominate with it," type hand.  Own it.  

 Pay attention to your grandparents.  

I remember when my moms uncle died, I thought about all the information and experience that went away.  As the more go, the more that goes.  Pay attention to what they pay attention to.  My mom didn't have a lot, but the things she paid attention to was everything.  Real.  Real relationships.  Real people.   Real hugs.  Real food, real dinner.   Real time together.   Real experiences.   Put the fucking phones away.  

Don't let your loved ones burn

You will see friend go down paths that you know will lead to bad places.  Grab them.   Don't let them go.  They will resist, they'll say they know what they're doing, you'll think about giving in.  Don't let go.   

Don't be comfortable at 60%

I've seen a lot of athletes be pretty good, better than competition at 60%.  I've known plenty of kids get A's w 60% effort.  I've known guys get paid well w 60% function.   Don't let an A or a win or a check make you complacent and slip into 60% function.   Push through it, ignore the benefits and grades and scores and push forward and through that.  

Do not throw your gifts away

-Dont quit con't-

If you have a gift and you throw it away, if you don't capitalize on it, you will feel pain.   There will be an itch that crawls inside of you that will screw with your sleep, it will give you headaches, it will even change the shape of your face into someone you do not recognize.  You cannot throw away Gods gifts.   I know this reads a little theatrical, but I'm very serious on this one.    There is something inside of you that you are very good at, that's the path you need to go.  Anything else will age you and fuck you up much worse than you know and it will magnify when you realize you did it.   

Chasing that dragon back into the box is a real chore.  It takes a hell of lot of time and energy and awareness and sacrifice.  Trust me on this one.  Do not throw your gifts away.   

 

It's ok to believe in God again.  

 

New Day

A piece of what I posted: 

So a former “client,” reached out. Someone I trained in middle school then high school, total stud athlete and badass human being. She asked if I could train her team she now coaches, local high school. I told those kids years ago and I tell all the kids when seasons end, “anything you need.” So when she asked, as long as my work schedule allowed, the answer is automatic yes.

So we’re talking, planning, setting a schedule, the simple stuff.

We get into the mental and she is already excited about how it’s going to go. I ask “what level do you want me?” because some teams, like some clients, some people, can really only handle a 5 or 6, they dont want 10. She says “I want what we had (back when we trained) the full ....” and paused, I said “say no more, I know what it is,” and we both laughed and we could feel that energy because we know. We know the darkness and how far in you have to go to get that sweet spot where you level up. I said “a lot of people don’t realize there are switches inside yourself to take you to another level and you don’t get those in a conversation or some random spot... You have to go deep into the dark spots inside and find your YOU. I think you find it w hardass work, the nasty physical work where you literally lose yourself down there and you come out new.”

Felt so good to know those words were still inside me. Then she stared, smiled, and laughed, nodded, said “this is going to be good.”

—-

Opportunities to be “new,” everyday.

I keep saying “new day, new me,” around the house and I think my wife thinks I’m being an asshole, mostly because I’ve been such an asshole (probably for a couple years). But I mean it literally. Everyday, recently, I’m trying to be new and better, everyday. New day, new me. Maybe the new me will be a better version of the old me, that’s actually what I’ve been praying for. I “killed,” that guy few years ago, now I’m in the resurrection process. Being around people that push the right buttons to get me to say what I wrote above is a crucial element. Like “oh, that ole juke box still has that song?” Keep throwing quarters in, I want to keep playing.

——

Don’t play to your competition.

Don’t dumb down conversations because of your table.

Don’t censor your post because someone might think it’s weird.

Do you.

Put headphones in and feel the music hard.

Share the beauty you’ve found. If the people near dont vibe w it, don’t stop talking, find a new table who feels it like you feel it.

We let people suffocate our energy and over x moments, our uniqueness fades and then we become average jerkoffs. Don’t do that. Stay good and weird. Let the energy flow. Be yourself w no internal governor restricting anything that wants to release.

Release.

 A lot of conversations have been popping up around same similar topics or one primary really.  Insecurity.  

About 15 years ago, I was talking to someone about what I wanted to do, how I felt I could help people and that it was important.  I had an idea for a fitness center that was different.  I actually had a dream about a place where you could sign up for classes like a fitness schedule but instead of saying "oh I'm taking spinning at 11," the schedule was "ah, stress relief at 11, then I have goal planning at 1."  Even as I write it right now, the dream was so cool, I can still see the lobby and the entire thing I dreamt that night.  She said "I think you need to get over yourself and your inflated sense of self worth."   I don't know why, but that stuck with me.  "Inflated sense of self worth."  What a weird thing to say to someone.  Especially because I was never ego driven, it was never "I'm the best, I'm the man, my ideas rock," on and on, it was just a vision of an idea that can help people.  Ever since I learned I knew how to, its really all I wanted to do.  How can I help you have a better day?   

But I let "inflated sense of self worth," live in my head for over 15 years.  

We do that though, we let an idea live inside of us, no matter how inaccurate it is.  

The thing that rocked me, that I couldn't really put my finger on until recently, was that I have been surrounded by a lot of people that are real quick to say things like "you've lost it," or talk me out of ideas and the primary person that was the anti to these anti's, isn't here anymore.  That literally just hit me a week ago, damn near 5 years later... 4 years, 10 months and 3 days later, it hit me.  

I remember when the Yoga room was being put together, I'd think "she is going to think this is so cool." People showing up at parks for "bootcamps," blew her away.  "All those people go?"  ya ma.  "That many people read your blog?"  ya ma  "You work with all those kids?"  

People really underestimate or just don't share how hard it can be to lose your mom.   For years, I imagined the call to prep myself for the call.  I handled the call fine on the outside.  I handled the day fine on the outside.  I handled the meetings, the funeral variables, my dad, kids, all of that, just fine on the outside.  I don't think my daughter saw me cry until just recently actually.  Because when she died, and how she died, I said "that's my fault.   How could I let her die like this?   How could I not motivate her?  How could I reach her?"   Then "if I cant reach her, of all the people in the world, how can help anyone else?"   

A little while later, when the momentum ran out, when the enthusiasm faded, I unplugged the machine and that was it.   IT it.  I would be in a room and someone would ask a question about working out or anything related and I acted like I had to google it.  I was talking and I literally said "what are those things called?   You like put your hands on a bar and drop your body... something for these muscles back here," and pointed to my triceps, "Oh ya, dips!  I used to do those."

Without her energy, I let all that negativity build and things just faded.  Enthusiasm to be myself faded.  I let the things people said, even 10-20 years ago, started brewing and I let it turn off things inside.  Thinking back, it's so weird to think of the things that people said and how I let it sink in so much.  Even writing that, I wonder what is wrong w me that I let people effect me like that... and that's one of the things that hit me.   WE ALL let people do that to us.  

We might lie about it, but we have it.   We might not share it, but we have it.  Insecurity.  

I was talking to a friend the other day and she said "My friends find pleasure in knowing I'm not good at something."   She barely finished the word "something," before I said "they're losers."   She said "they're my friends," I said they're not, she said "well its all I have."  We talked a bit more and at the end she thanked me for the talk and went on our way.   

That was probably the 5th conversation that week that was about insecurity and people letting other people effect their own feelings about themselves.   I was in gyms a long time, had a lot of conversations, a lot of goal setting.... its a therapy.... know how many clients were there because an insecurity drove them in?   About 90%  

Side note:  I'm so glad we met.  

I'm so glad I was the guy you trusted that process with.

Why do we let people plant an idea that festers into a dark wound inside of our selves, when we actually have the control to just not accept it?   It's our minds.  Its our soul.  We are in control, or working to be.   Why would we let someone say something or treat us a particular way that would make us think something different about ourselves when NO ONE knows our own self like we do?   That sounds so crazy.   Even rereading that, I sound a little crazy, but its a crazy statement. 

So I've been spending a lot of time and energy trying to build habits back up of things I used to do that fed me energy, made me feel good about the work I was doing, helped me find the words in conversations to make it make sense and help someone.   

I was with a friend the other night, another story about shitty friends.  I said "stop playing down to the table," because this person has told me several times how they hide themselves in fear of being judged by his friends.  So stop playing down to the table is like "Don't play down to the competition."   Don't act like a 5 just because you're sitting with 6's.   Be a 10.  

Think about our kids.  Do we crap on their ideas and tell them "nah, I've seen your little butt run around, there's no soccer in your future."  No way.  We encourage, we help, we show up, we clap and support.  When is that last time you encouraged a friend?   When is the last time you encouraged yourself?   Right?   Again, I reread it and I say "don't post this, reads crazy" but reread it and ask yourself and tell me who's crazy.   When is the last time you encouraged yourself?  When is the last time you helped yourself?   When is the last time you clapped for yourself?   Why would it be any different?    We all beat ourselves up real well, when was the last time you took time to heal?  

I wrote "We let people suffocate our energy and over x moments, our uniqueness fades and then we become average jerkoffs. Don’t do that. Stay good and weird. Let the energy flow. Be yourself w no internal governor restricting anything that wants to release."

Don't spend time with people who leave you feeling drained, having  such average, fast food conversations (no nutritional value).  

Don't let people suffocate your energy.  They may hide as people looking out for you, they may mean well, but don't let them fade the fire.   Once that flame goes out, its a real bitch bringing it back.  Remember, no one knows you like you know you.   Find encouragers of the mission, not people knocking you off the track.  A lot of people fear greatness and achievers and dreamer/doers because your success shames them because they gave up too early.  Trust me, they may love you, they may hide as the form of someone close, but if you a dream to do something, do not listen to them. 

Don't be shy to let the truth out.  If the last couple years showed us anything, its that life can get sideways really quick and time goes really fast.  Life is too short to dim your energy.  Express it as often as possible.  

---

These conversations with other people, I started hearing my own words, feeling my own energy.  It felt like a drug again.  I was high.   

If my kids grow up really good at something and they love it and they just stopped doing it, what would I say to them?   

---

You owe it to your soul

Vita

 Below, I wrote what I wrote and hit PUBLISH.  I left the shop, picked up dinner and headed back to the hotel.   Rearranged the room to feel a little more home and prepped a few other ideas.  A couple hours later, an episode of television to chill before bed, and then it settled in. 

Fear and anxiety. 

What if its not understood?    What if everyone hates it?   Hates me.  Is it going to offend someone?  Is someone going to think I’m talking about them?   Who is going to think that?  I better re-read and edit…

So I booted the laptop back up and delated a few things.  Nothing aggressive, more weird and indirect than anything else, the type of thing that might make a suspicious person wonder “who is this guy referring to?” when 99.9% of what I write is moderately vague and abstract, to be open to thought and interpretation.  

Laptop closed, back to bed.

It hit again. Not enough changes… go back, delete more.   So I did.

Back to bed.

One more time… laptop back up, fuck it.  Delete the entire thing, I can’t deal with this.

The next day was hard.   I sat and watched sports and wondered, “what happened to you?” a real deep dive into “what happened to you?”  Why was I afraid?   There was nothing over the top crazy in there, nothing more/less than I’ve written before, but maybe that was it.  Maybe I’ve lost touch.   Maybe I’ve faded too far inside and its created a separation, a privacy fence.   Maybe I’m afraid fo the new audience.   Maybe I’m afraid to be known. 

Maybe we all are. Maybe that’s the actual root of depression.  The mask.   Maybe I need to reread my own shit.  I know the mask will suffocate us, but sometimes we’re afraid to remove it.  The mask gave us x, y and z.  If I take the mask off, x, y and z might go away.  

The difference between a painful truth and comfortable lie is deeper than a fancy quote.  Truth is truth, but the level of the lie is where things get muddy.   Lie to someone, you may get away with it, to them.  But you’ll know and it will weaken who you are in the long run.  You may be ok on the surface, but those with instincts and vision will see you.   Lie to yourself?   This is not good.   This is where your personal truths die, where your life mission is buried, where the soul starts feeding on weak and dead cells.  Where laughs fade, sleep suffers, and you go numb.   Over time, you can’t even recall words that were once part of your daily vocabulary.  

Never lie to yourself.  Never compromise your character.  Do not turn your back on your gifts.  

Jordan Peterson said, “You are going to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don’t do.  You don’t get to choose to not pay a price.  You get to choose which poison you are going to take.  That’s it.”

So maybe I need to publish again. 

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I don't remember the order of words, they weren't written, it was all improv (for the most part), but I knew the energy I wanted to develop over the next few minutes.   Energy and vision.  Vision of space and clarity.  

I said something along the line of:

I know we've all missed events... we've missed birthday parties... we've missed weddings, some were cancelled, some were scaled back.  We've missed or never even held funerals.   We missed work.  We missed fun.  We missed cook outs and holiday events.  Then we get bad traffic... poor service for take out... a rude encounter w a cashier or elderly woman behind the counter (finish it)... the kids are sent home... but we have to work... the news and the news and the news... rumors and worry... balls busted at x, y, and z... everyone's on edge and the next thing might be the thing... 

we're tired.   I get it... we're all tired.   I'm exhausted.   

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Then I took it in a direction, rallied it home w a corporate appropriate talk about a stoic philosophy and mindset practicing patience, perseverance and empathy... it’s all love.  Really is.  That's the thing we lost, isn't it?    Fight or flight kicked in and it was ON from there.  

When is the last time you were asked "how are you?" and the person really, really sat there and wanted to know exactly how. you. are?   We barely have the patience or "time," for our families and selves, but where is it going?   What are we doing with all this time, other than using it as we really should be, some care for each other?

Don't check your phone.  Put it away.  

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We all went home, scared shitless of catching a thing from our friends and family and hid.  Don't go yet... this won’t be about what you're thinking if you're thinking what I think you're thinking. 

The separation did damage.  It did to me.  

We separated, had our thoughts, developed our own conclusions, then checked social media to see where we all stood.  

We took inventory of our homes, maybe didn't even realize it.  Do I like where I live?  It's all I've been staring at for about 4 weeks... Do I like my family?  Do they like me?  Do I like my dogs?   Do they like me?  Maybe I should paint a wall just to have a new color to look at.  I know, I'll start walking to break up the day.

What did you learn?  

I'm tired. 

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I was having a conversation last night about "truth," or perceived truths.  What makes a thing true?  Can we have two different truths, having a stare off, see which truth blinks first?   What might be spicy to you isn't to me and back and forth.  So this conversation went along the lines of truths we wish we didn't know.  

Would you rather have the painful truth or the comfortable lie?   Think about the things you know that you wish you didn't...

Personally, truth is truth and I'll take all of it.  No matter how dark and messy it gets, its where we need to go.  Because there's something on the other side of that, that I don't think we really know yet.  But when I imagine it, I see the truth dissolving all the lines and barriers of the things inside of you that you imagined or thought you needed to protect.   An image.  An ego.  A character.  A story.   The mask.  And you don't need any of it, because its not real, its not truth.  

We know this.  We're feeling it.  It's crawling up our back, cloaked in depression and hidden within anxiety and throwing stresses at our feet like sticks of dynamite... we are tired.   

The fatigue has changed how we respond to each other in traffic.  It's changed how we respond to coworkers, how we respond to kids, friends and family.  

My wife thinks I've "exercised," my way into a space that has created a problem with how I see the world and people.  I obviously disagree, as I wrote above, I want truth for better or worse.   But its easy to play a character when the sun is shining bright.   Who are you in the dark?  That's what matters most, and nothing is close that, and if you don't take yourself into that space to learn and know who you really are, life will take you on and you will not be ready.  

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The antidote to all of this is Empathy + Patience = Love.   

Infinite possibilities of how... as many numbers and languages and gestures and breaths and movements and moments... endless opportunities for empathy and patience and more love.  No jealousy, no ego, no victims, no desperation... no teams, no code, no this vs that…. we never have to run out of it, because we produce it.  

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It's titled "@home behind the sun," from a lyric in a song, "I wish I was an alien, at home behind the sun."

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off... I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on... I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on... the Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top... I wish I was the evidence, I was I was the grounds... For fifty million hands upraised and open towards the sky... ... I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me.. I wish I was as fortunate as fortunate as me... I wish I was the messenger and all the news was good... I wish I was the full moon shining off of your cars hood... ... I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun... I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on.... I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on... I wish I was the verb 'to trust,' and never let you down... 

Good memory.   The only song I can moderately play on acoustic, along with High and Dry by Radiohead.  

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I am currently sitting in a... I don't know what this is.  Its not a bar, but they serve alcohol and sell wine.  Its not a coffee shop, but they serve coffee and tea and muffins (I think)... whatever Vita in Sandusky is, it's totally amazing.  I've never been in a place like it.   the music is excellent, the IPA is tasty, the lights are low and I currently have it all to myself.  I think I've complimented the staff 4-5x and they're starting to wonder if I walked in drunk (but I do want to sleep here, its that perfect).  

People Watching

 I remember I was sitting near some people a few months back and I could hear their conversation.  All about covid and lockdowns and then the vaccines and protocols surrounding it, on and on.  Over x time, I could hear they were talking about friends and family and I could also clearly hear their personal stance on the subject... it was actually hard to listen because of all the above.  

Fiends and family.  It was depressing to hear.  They were saying the type of things that would permanently damage a relationship.  They literally were hoping to see people suffer for not taking not taking an experimental drug (which is now widely considered a factual statement) and they wanted to behave in a way to highlight they were above those they were speaking about.  

No one knew anything.  But they were all ready to play God and judge and ostracize and literally said "I hope they suffer."   I watched them and thought how sad.    

Everlong

 I read...

...and I sat in my driveway and thought about this for a while.