...is this thing on?

I don't remember when it changed, when it dissolved exactly, but at some point in my life roles became very blurred... titles became irrelevant... that guy with a certain position of importance, position x, was just that guy, just a guy.  Everyone has or had a mom and dad, all came crawling out and into diapers to barely walking to wherever we currently sit, right?  Not very different at all.  And this has gotten me into some trouble over the years... the blurred lines, the lack of acknowledging roles, Not in a disrespectful type way or flat out rebellion, but when you see it how I see it, it can make most people uncomfortable.  And I heard an analogy recently that kind of pieced it together and that was the story of the Great Oz.  That everyone is playing a role and they're scared shitless if someone were to ever pull back the curtain.  People play the role of Oz or whoever, all hiding behind the curtain of the role.  For whatever reason, I've always felt like the guy who's allowed to peak behind the curtain and ask "Hey, whats up?  Whats going on back here?  Don't worry, I wont tell anyone."  When I do that, when I peak inside,  they either laugh and invite me in or they "leave."

People have a strange need, a few of them.... a need of being important... a need to matter... a need to grasp and hold onto things to give us rank, thats the importance.  But like I said above, we all came from the same place... crawling out and into diapers, and we're all headed to same peaceful place, so whats the difference.  And this isnt a hippy "who gives a shit, none of this matters," type thing, but it's a Stop Being Afraid, type thing.  Just stop.  Stop telling yourself no.  Stop telling yourself you're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, stop telling yourself you can't because you always can.  You can.  But you can't when you're too busy kicking your own ass, right?

So if you choose to acknowledge the opportunity of a role... go play it.  Play the character... clear all the bullshit that isnt real and become the character... its limitless.... it's limitless.  Create your own style of whatever is entering your brain, whatever you might be daydreaming about.  Have faith in that thing that makes your heart rate accelerate a little bit...

I've met and known people my entire life who never gave it the shot... never jumped, never went for their thing, because someone, somewhere, in some chapter in history planted a seed of doubt, of fear, of limits, roles and expectations.  And it's all a lie.  You are more.  All those stories that influenced you to sit where you're sitting, they're just not real. 

the entry from last week, about painting a picture, kinda came to me while sitting in a coffee house... the freedom to paint the picture of your life, and that's whats real.  Your imagination, your consciousness, and all that's needed is the courage, love, faith and willingness to put forth the action to create from it.  Trick is, we're all looking for something, all needing, like I wrote above, but the catch is this... we already have it.  Didn't I say that at the end of the Power Program?  You already had it.  I didn't give it to you, i just helped you reopen a closet that you piled up a bunch of shit in front of and had forgotten.  I just helped you clean up the laundry and motivate you to open the door... it was there all along and it's yours. 

You are the creator and that might make you uncomfortable. 
It shouldn't... laugh at it... you are already complete, you are already ready.  Enjoy.  Stop fearing, stop stressing, all of this material shit, the job you hate, all of it, let it go.  Divorce yourself from the story thats making you become something you are not.

The Day After....

...therapy can usually be a little sketchy.  Where some methods can assist in settling things down, like  float tank, others drive you more inward, forcing you to explore and search for unanswered questions you've been afraid to even ask, or ones you've completely buried and ignored.
Problem is, one way or another the subconscious will rise, so it's probably best to open the door under your own doing so you're not sucker punched by letting it seep out into the world in the form of bad relationships, dangerous drug and alcohol use or just general self sabotage.  I cannot express this enough, your subconscious must be addressed and greeted kindly.  You cannot wrestle or argue.  Say hello, and make it comfy, because you could and should be in for a conversation that's going to alter your mindset.  Might push you forward or might change your direction all together.  All I know is, something will happen.

(Last time they wondered if I'd gone crazy, 

soon they'll know its called "awake").

One of the experiences that still stand out most, was the evening I had the behind the scenes look at the theater.  To refresh your memory or catch you up if you hadn't read it yet, I was under a variation of hypnosis.  While here, I remember watching a type of performance go on, nothing spectacular, it reminded more of a carousel of characters, entering stage right, exiting stage left.  As the characters entered, the crowd would applaud or laugh or react whichever way was most appropriate.  This went on a good bit, a constant rotation of new faces and costumes.  However, from my vantage point, I could see behind the curtain.  I saw the stage and show and I also saw what went on behind the scenes.  How quickly the characters were able to change clothes, change their face, change everything and go back out and what I thought was a full cast, was only 6-8 different people.  The same people that played nurses and doctors, played teachers and parents, played presidents and politicians, played the neighbors and community "leaders."
When I came out, my only emotion, my only thoughts were wrapped into the idea that this is all fixed, all a charade.  That this is all a part of a plan.  Now, I know that someone may be reading this thinking this is crazy, if they even got this far into the blog, but I do believe and just tweeted a quote from Paul Stemets who was just on Rogan, "I think we need to accept the fact that the reality is not limited to the perception that we have traditionally used."  William Blake wrote "If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.  For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro' narrow chinks of his cavern."
Think of how distracted we are, how unclear our vision probably is.  Like driving our cars through a storm and field, our windows of perception are not operating to the fullest.  They need constant cleaning and how can we do that when we're so busy driving through the storms, searching for comfort and safety and our tribe.
So what if my vision was my subconscious shining a light?  A light to wake up.  A light to a certain path.  To stop buying the ticket for their play.

may have even influenced me to go get 

a tattoo inspired by another great character.

Some people think I'm a conspiracy theorist, but I dont think they understand the meaning of the word conspiracy.  It means to plot or plan.  I bring this up because for about 12 months, my life has been consumed with a background story that I cannot turn off.  It runs in my head while trying to sleep, it runs in my head when I hear your stories, it runs all day and night.  It is nearly distracting to the point of debilitation.  

The only remedy I've found unfortunately, 

is very seasonal and runs from Aug-Nov.

So as I sit and struggle through writing a new goal list... staring blankly at my new notebook... I wonder what I want, what I need, where I want to go.  I just wrote about the canvas, but I struggle to paint.  The struggle lies in belief, or lack thereof.  Not a lack of belief in my abilities, but a lack of confidence and belief in our system.



The story I've been tip toeing around, is my mom.  I believe she was mistreated, lied to (via ignorance, not evilness) and sent down the money line like people you've known or will know.  Her story is not rare, its been happening for years and it has been designed.  My struggle is I don't know what to do about it.  My initial thoughts were I need to finish school... I need to educate myself more and then others.

I remember the day the first doctor told me and my sister... my poker face could've won an academy award.  So much so, I actually remember being worried that my lack of reaction was going to scare my sister into thinking I may have finally "broke."  But my first thoughts were How does she recover and fight?  Whats the most intelligent plan or action?
We were told there was none.  That the types of cancers she had obtained could not be beaten.  Goes without saying, I did not believe that.  I still dont.
So we all kind of began our own research.  I influenced a search down one path, while I went another.  Both good, but I knew where I was looking wouldn't get much value in this state (Ohio) with doctors of a particular age.
The information I needed and found, wasn't hard to find when you know who to ask.  Through 6 different contacts, all licensed professionals, I found information and supplements/ingredients, all w scientific evidence and results that this cancer could be beat or off-set with doses of CBD oils and a combinations of mushrooms, one being a Turkey Tail protein that is sold locally.
I presented this combination and information to my moms doctors via phone, asked them to look into it.  They said that there was no scientific evidence supporting the claim and they could not recommend it.  I said there was evidence, showed them and asked again.  Like the robots they are, they again said there was no scientific evidence supporting the claim.  I asked one last question and that was to not tell my mom that.... I needed her to believe.  I asked them to not tell her the prognosis.. because I needed her to believe.
The mind works in amazing ways when you believe one way or another, so when I say this was fixed, it's been in the works for decades.  I don't blame my mom for losing belief... I blame the system that created her in way to have so much faith in a conspiracy.
Do doctors know?  I do think they do.  I think they intentionally shit on anything they didn't learn in college.  I think they're scared shitless of what marijuana laws can do to hurt their income.  Because dont think for a second that when insurances arent maxing out, and billions of dollars in prescriptions arent being written, that many doctors wont need a second job to pay for their over-priced, over-rated education.  Do you know whats headed down the pipeline in Cali?  Psilocybin Mushrooms are on the ballot to be dropped to a scheduled 2 drug, meaning it has medical use.  If it has medical use, why was it ever illegal to begin with?  And if it has medical use, why is it even ON the ballot?  They weren't even made illegal until 1971 because... another post.  But you can google it on your own.
Do you know the most effective treatment for PTSD and passing with success in the upper 90's?  Here's a hint:  Not pain killers or scripts from the VA.   What is coming from the VA is actually increasing the suicide and overdose rate for veterans, but hey who's to say whats right or wrong when billion dollar companies are running the company, oops I meant country.


What's my point?    Possibly a little off target there, but needed to get it out and find a way.
Point:  Think.
Stop watching the news, stop watching brainless television.  Stop becoming distracted by this horribly embarrassing president.  Stop flipping through facebook at 10pm every night.  Stop giving a shit about how many likes you have on social media.  Stop talking about people.  Stop giving a shit about things you will never ever change.
Think and educate yourself.  Educate your family.  I ran into an old friend at a grocery store last week, he was telling a story about desert his friend was making for work.  He said "whoah, dont buy that brand, thats the shit you buy for people you dont love."  Really funny way of saying "poison."

What are you going to buy for people you do love?  Are you going to sugar coat their life, limit their information and pillow the world?  Or educate?
Fact:  Refined and processed carbohydrates feed cancer cells via 3rd party.  These carbs create inflammation, which is a breeding ground for cancer cells.  So can some doctor answer no with a straight face when asked "Do carbs cause cancer?"  Yes.  But are they a great assistance to the creation, growth and movement of cells?  Yes, they are.

Read a book, watch a documentary, take care of your family, friends and people you love.



Other conspiracies I find interesting:
The war on drugs
Interest rates and loans
Education system and the "ghetto"
Religion
Structure of our country
and new age media

"I think we need to accept the fact that the reality is not limited to the perception that we have traditionally used."
Paul Stemets

He asked, "Now what do we do?"

...and we left.

They went where they go, I went to a nearby Panera to start work.

I didnt immediately answer because the answer definitely cant be handled at Peties... what I saw in my head was a kaleidoscope of variables.  Shapes and colors, no rhyme or reason to the patterns or movements.  You might see it like that one day as well.

Couple things to understand... Life doesn't happen to you.  You'll hear that a lot, mostly by people who never made it happen for themselves, or at least not the way they once imagined.  So they cashed in and said "welp, life happened," when you ask how they wound up here.

Life is not an attacker, an oppressor, nor a gift giver or guardian angel.  It's a canvas.  A big one.
So first thing I advise is to start collecting your colors, which you already have a few, grab your brush, or brushes, and start painting.  It is absolutely your canvas space and you are completely free to paint it however you choose.  You choose.  Not your parents, your teachers, coaches, friends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, kids, no one.
You even have the freedom to paint, then say "this one sucks," rip that sheet off and start again.
Now, tricky part about this canvas is that it's shared space.  So be mindful to not let your drawing interfere with someone else's art.  If you're lucky, you'll find yourself painting near some like minded people, then the painting gets really fun.  Painting near others can definitely expand or shrink your creative space so be mindful of where you position yourself.  This might be the biggest decision you ever make.  And remember, you can move your seat if you like.  Your free to do whatever you like.  Although it's shared space, you have to grab a piece for yourself and not become a "watcher."
"Watchers..." do just that.  They're the ones that let 10 years slip by, talking, observing, never doing, only complaining or criticizing those doing the painting... don't be a "watcher."
(Don't screw up anyone else's painting either).

So as you sit there, preparing to draw and create for the first time, just draw.  Dont be afraid to make a mess or get paint on the floor.  Mistakes will happen and on the first few tries, good chance the picture in your head, wont turn out exactly how you want it on the canvas.  All good.  It takes a little while and plenty of practice to hone your skills and learn how to create in a crowd.  As long as you still have paint and a brush, you're still good to go.

Now, if a colorful painting analogy didnt do it for you, start w a goal list.  Here's the juice in having one while you're young... You haven't dealt with 5,000 assholes telling you what you can't do.  Secret is, there is nothing.   Want to study abroad?  Go.  Want to become an NCAA ref?  Go.  Want to write a book?  Go.  Want to become a teacher/coach?  Go do that too.  There is no time limit, there is no boundary, there is no hurry, there are no NO's.  It's all yes's and opportunity.  Now, someone may advise... "Eh, lets do this first, then that..."  Why?  Measure their advice wisely.  Where is it coming from?  Even love can be masked with fear and most people wont have your courage or most importantly your dreams.  They don't see your canvas the way you do, and again... it's yours to paint.  They're painting there own.  I promise you, someone is reading this right now and thinking "Shut your mouth, you crazy sob!"  but they know its accurate.

Important things to keep in mind, in no particular order:
1) Don't go into debt. -   No school debt, no house debt, definitely no credit card debt.  Debt could force you into working jobs you hate and way too many hours doing it.  Debt is modern day slavery.
2) Travel as much as possible.  -  See that globe?  Spin it.  Much larger than these few square miles.  Go see it all.
3) Don't take anything toooo seriously.  -  Ya, we may do some things here and there that can carry some weight, but when the dust settles, we're still who we are and you're going out the same way you came in.
4) When you have the cash, own a boat and a motorcycle.  -  Because why not??  Cars are like watching television... you cant feel it.  Get in it.
5)  Be honest.  -  Even if it scares the shit out of you.
6) And don't be afraid to change your mind. -  You might change 50x over the next 70 years, so what?
7)  Find a good role model and study him/her a little.
8)  Never give up
9)

... never fails.

So "now what do we do?"

Anything you want.  There are no no's, only yes's and opportunity for those who want it.   Never forget it, never cave in, never give up.  

I think you knew this would be answer tho... did you really think "Are you going to college?" was it?