Broken Monkeys

I've had a bit of alone time recently, and don't read between the lines on it, but it's needed.  I realized how much value their is in silence.  Obviously, a handful of jokes can be made when a wife and pup leave the husband alone for a couple days, and clearly my opening sentence could get me into some trouble... but she also knows I'm a tad strange and that this is probably (hopefully) headed somewhere.
Being alone, for me, is extremely meditative.  I rarely turn on the television, and if I do, I search for things I dont usually watch, like the news (more on that in a moment).  I was alone and busted out a very chunky to do list, and filled it with things that A) needed done and B) a few things I didnt actually know I could do.  So I adjusted my perspective on it and said to myself, yes I talk to myself when alone, I told myself to look at the lawn mower like its a puzzle.  I have a riding mower and it crapped out on me about 4 weeks ago.  So my yard looked pretty much like a pasture with no animals.
I found a part I felt could be needed, a PTO cable that attaches from the rear right fender and wraps around the back of the seat and down into the actual blade deck.  Look how smart I am explaining that to you!  Except I never knew those words or what a PTO cable was 48 hours ago.  I knew where it insert and where it finished... thats it.  So piece by piece, I started taking the mower apart, carefully keeping all nuts and bolts and other crooked little pieces of medal together hoping I'd remember where they go when the time came to reassemble.
First I removed the blade deck... didnt even know it could come off.  I thought "this is it, all done."
Nope.  I then had to remove the seat and battery compartment so I could reach the "shifter-thingy," where the other end of the cable attached.  Good thing I've been working some yoga in, because I was basically playing a game of twister, mounting the rear end of my mower with hands and wrists contorted into holes my meaty hands were much too large for.
Fast fwd to the end... mission accomplished, about two hours.  Now that I know, its maybe a 30 minute job.
All throughout though, I'd run into a speed bump and for a moment, I'd freak out.  I'd want to quit, I'd swear, I'd "curse my ass for being dumb."  But then I'd think - It's already broken, whats the worst thing that could happen? and get back to it.
I found a little Zen there.

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So I'm on my mower, listening to a freaking stellar podcast (for gods sake hit the link, go sit on a back porch a hush for a bit.   If you're reading this in a newsletter, you probably dont see all my hyper links inserted throughout, but copy/paste this http://observingbystander.blogspot.com/ and there it is).
So Joe and Russell and really ranting, one of my top 3 podcasts ever, and Joe always turns his aims towards these primal, animistic urges that he feels we suppress, and I 100% agree.  Actually a lot of podcasts lately have been along these same lines, not sure if I'm finding them or theyre finding me.  But someone was talking about animals, either Russell, Joe or Aubrey, and they asked "ever see a bear give a shit what he looks like?"  and Joe said "we're just broken monkeys."  I laughed and played it back.  Paraphrasing but he said we all want simplicity and happiness and to have community and be useful, but we cluttered it up, just a bunch of broken monkeys.
Isnt that the truth?
Then for some crazy reason, I turn on the TV for breakfast and decide to watch some news.  I never, NEVER watch the news.  I am very receptive to anything that enters my ears, to a fault.  If I'm near negative people, my energy goes down the dumps.  If I hear any gossip or people just talking trash on people, really messes w my psyche.  So I avoid the news.  But I'm thinking I'm on a roll here, very zen couple days for me, lets give it a go.  And there's an interview with Mark Rubio (I think thats his name) and he's talking about Trump and Hillary and the UK and global economy and fingers on war buttons and border patrol and on and on and on.
And I'm sitting here feeling like I just landed from outer space.  What in the shit is this guy babbling about?  Oh, this is real life?!?  This is the crap that's taken over the world?
Broken monkeys.
I'm watching this guy, and he didnt bother me, what bothered me was the game we've all enrolled in at birth.
This is a very silly situation with some wild ass rules and psychotic people running it.  I mean really, sit back for a moment and try to watch some news with fresh eyes.  Watch the news like a child (haha i just compared myself to a kid) or like an alien.  Doesn't the entire thing look nuts?  There's a battle and struggle for control and power and money... but if there was no need for control or power and money... what would we be fighting about??
So why not pull the root of the weed out at the root and go back to where we were?

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I took my oldest out for breakfast the other day and we're talking about a bit of everything.  For fun, I bring some work/training talk and a little thought Im having but trying to push it away, maybe a bit of fear.  She says "why not do it?"  I say Abby, it isnt that easy.  She says "why sure it is!  We learn this (business) in school, first you do ____ and then ____ and you need ____ and thats it."  I smiled at first and asked more questions, letting her teach me about business and plans, but then it hit me.
She just saw it through the eyes of a kid.
Which meant she saw it as success and without fear.
A view I've had troubles finding lately.
And she re-sparked something inside me.
Poor broken monkey.

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I'm at the grocery store and I hear a man say "hey its the workout guy!"  I'm wearing a tank top, the face and beard may change but the tattoos arent "I'd recognize you anywhere!"  Hey buddy, whats up? Good to see you.
I used to train his daughters a few years ago.  He asks me why I left and shut down and stopped training there and the whole thing and I always give the standard answer "just time to move along and do something different," never telling the truth.  He says "ah man, you've been missed (and I'm thinking - time to go) "everyone knows you had those kids on a mission.  The coaches are ok and all, but you're 'umph' was needed."

Literally two days later, I'm walking through the mall and see a few former clients, now HS athletes.  We go through "hey, whats up?  How ya doin?" and all that and I'm trying to scoot along because Im a socially awkward weirdo and a girl says "give us a speech," and I laugh.  "No, seriously, we miss those speeches you'd end workouts with."  And now, I'm thinking A) she's kinda bringing up something tough for me and B) guuurl, you dont want to me tear up a pep talk right here! (wink)
I say "i'll stop one day," and laugh and bust out.

So these two stories, and its happened before, definitely hit me.  You know how you have that song or maybe a number and you keep seeing it or hearing it and you eventually start to think maybe somethings going on?  Like "man, i keep seeing 1037, i better play that lotto number!"  thats kinda what I'm feeling.  x conversations have come up drawing me in a direction and I may have to investigate whats over there. (no, not 8100).

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alright two more thoughts
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I have this stone with a weird on it "create."

It's just a weird that's always in my head and the stone is just a physical form, a little reminder, a little something to keep it present.  

I ask myself "what am I creating?"  

What kind of atmosphere?

What kind of life?

What kind of memory?

What type of thoughts?

And I took it a step deeper and thought about our energy and what we create with that.  How would our energy create an atmosphere or a relationship or even just a brief encounter?

SO just ask yourself, I think it'll help set the mind right for the day or night, "what am I creating?" and challenge it a little.  Poke it and pull at it.  Are you creating a healthy state of mind?  A loving heart?  Or are you creating stress and pain?  Either way, just witness yourself.  Like what you see?  Continue.  Dont?  Work to change.

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I heard Aubrey say "Everything is medicine," and talk about an exercise where they would have to say "this is washing dishes medicine," and "this is clean shirt medicine," or "this is exercise medicine."  And the point to it was to feel and witness how you felt when you looked at everything as medicine.  The science or theory behind it (one of those) is that everything actually is medicine.

Everything you say or do or watch or hear, its all medicine and it has an effect on your brain chemicals.  

Disagree?  Think of your favorite song... how does it change your behavior?

Think of a very sad song... did it have the same effect?

Think of someone you absolutely love spending time with... how does it change your behavior or perspective.

Now think of someone that you feel causes you pain or stress.... Now how do you feel?

A nice drive on a Sunday with nothing to do, listening to great music, windows down, youd feel great, right?

That was "Sunday with nothing to do, listening to great music, windows down," medicine.  

Hopefully just a couple tricks to help you out.

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One more, yesterday was "Build a badass table!" medicine!!

And I can build you one as well!  

Hand-made Farmhouse table, delivered for $500!

(seriously though, I freaking love making these)

Yellow Moon (Yoga chatter and a whiff of...)

Nooooo, no, no, I cant write about some boring fitness crap.  If you have a question, text me.

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Life can get a little... weird, might be the word, when this nut case is in your ear 80% of your alone time.

Somehow you dive quickly into odd ball conversations you may not normally and you say things "normal," people dont quite say and you find a way to say it a super weird way, but when it wraps up you go, "Oh wow, I like it like that."

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I was talking to someone in the gym, a very non-yoga gym, in the traditional sense and I recommended they give some yoga a good 3 month commitment and see whats up.  They said "maybe, i think about it here n there."

Working to open them up a tad, I said "Yoga for me can be like that closet of things you kinda forgot you had, but never wanted to throw away and you walk and go "ho-ly shit!  Where did you all go?  I've been looking for you!" and they say "Hey ass, we were always right here, you're the one that left," and you find a wave to tap back into that youthful innocence and truth."

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You read about Paula in the last blog?

Stopped in to get my salad and asked her whats new.  She's doing well.  Very calm lady.  Said she's still working for 30 minutes of yoga every day, she tries to start the day with it and often hits a bit after work.  I asked her how she feels about it.  She said "I live alone, but I dont feel alone anymore."  Paula, lets not try to make the big guy cry when the suns up.  k?  

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Have you checked out the site or videos?  I like whats happening there, check it out and give me some feedback.

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So its getting hot out.

And footbball is brewing.,

And I've been really attacking weights.

And listening to a buttload (or is it boat load?) of Pearl Jam.

So the minds in hyper drive.

And I like it.

Thinking about goals again... honestly, life has been such a tornado of chaos, they've drifted far from thoughts.  I actually found myself avoiding things I like because they were reminders of my goals, which I was trying to ignore (what a circle - Pearl Jam playing right now, havent listened to them in a really long time and now its like a new band again and these songs are pounding away.  I could listen to yellow moon and write about anything all night).  

So with some thoughts floating around, conversations have found me and its kinda been like a scene in the movie where the character hears something come from a random stock boy or guy at a gas station and the character looks around like "are you talking to me?"  and the other guy doesn't even speak English, but you swore he said something right to you? (hows that for run-on sentence?) 

Like Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams... "If you build it..."

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"If you teach it..."

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(story time)

One guy said: Hey, you know that thing you say dream about? The thing you doodle and write and draw? Want to do it?

Other guy said: Nooooo no no

Guy says: why?

Other guy: no

Guy: Why?

Other guy: Just not a good idea anymore

Guy: Then why do you still dream about it?

Other guy: I don't know

Guy: Why not try again?

Other guy: Not the same, too much risk now.

Guy: You're afraid of failure?

Other guy: Guess so... Failure now isn't the same as failure back then.

Guy: But what if you KNEW you wouldn't fail? What if you had the support and everything else you think you need? What if you KNEW it would "win?" Would you go for it?

Yes.

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When I write and use (example) in the middle, do you read that as me mumbling or talking a little under my breath?

Here, listen to this pretty song one night, one I cant get enough of right now. 

If you see me quickly pull my phone out...

I'm probably pulling up my notes app and tying something to write about later.  Like this stuff:

I was at a gas station and a guy kinda cut me off, no big deal, people are rude, what are you going to do.  Most of the time, I awkwardly say "Oh go ahead," 5-10 seconds after they already went ahead.  This guy says "Lemegetapacka..." and mumbled something else.
Again, he walked to the counter and just blurted out "lemegetapacka."  Sound that out.  English translation = Let me get a pack of.  So "lemegetapacka," annoyed me enough, but there was no "hey, whats up man?" or "hows it going?" and obviously no "thanks, see ya," at the end.

So I pulled out my phone and wrote about it to remember for this.

I'm walking through a grocery store.  I'm making my down an aisle and a woman reaches up high to grab something, as she does, she pulls down a display area with kids bubbles and such hanging from a hook.  She looks back at me and laughs and just walks away.  I say "Oh dont worry, I'll get that for you," and pick it up.  She looks back and keeps it moving.  I definitely was not mistaken for an employee.  I wasnt pushing a cart and wearing  tank top.
how bizarre is that??  A grown woman, looked like she had some sense, just knocked a bunch of crap over and continued walking...
just another weird observation that makes me wonder if I'm on television.

So I pulled out my phone and wrote about it to remember for this.

ANOTHER grocery store story, this time I didnt clean anything up.
I'm walking through, I believe it was the weekend before the holiday, aisles were tight.  A woman pulls buns out of her cart and leaves them in the fridge area with the hot dogs and such.
huh?  how f'n lazy are you?

So I pulled out my phone and wrote about it to remember for this.


So it made me daydream about buying a very large area of land... 150 some acres and break it into 2 acre sections.  You cant buy it from me, but you can lease it under certain conditions.

A) You have to have a skill you can barter.  Obviously, I'll build a sweet bootcamp course on the land and offer that as my gift.  But you have to be a good cook, gardener, hair dresser, mechanic or something useful if you want to lease space.
A1) You cannot work more than 40 hours in the "real world."  40 hours is enough and you are needed in the community, just to be present.

B) You have to be nice.  Zero assholes allowed on my land.  Any assholeness is immediate termination of the lease, no questions asked.
B1)  no yelling
B2)  no violence
B3)  no negative talk

C) No real world nonsense will be permitted.  Any talk of celebrity gossip, politics, or scandals must remain inside your house.  My land, my rules, and they are just distractions.  Those topics bring out a side of people I try to hide from.

D) One mandatory community dinner every month... just for the hell of it, and you MUST drink.  Not sure if I fully trust someone who cant handle a buzz appropriately.
D1) One mandatory community fire per month, I run the music.
D2) One mandatory community yoga class... same as above, I run the music.
D3) One mandatory round table discussion on the meaning of life.

E) Any behavior you may witness at a Wal-Mart, county fair or political rally is strictly prohibited.

F) You must make one mix-tape per year to share with a neighbor.

G) Every Sunday, we will discuss a different religion, just for fun.  Everyone is free to practice what they like, but everyone must learn about one they know little about.

H) We will only watch NBA games from the 90's.

So I pulled out my phone and wrote about it to remember for this.


I'm checking out at Heinens on Sushi Wednesday.  Cashier says "Is that a yoga tattoo?" and of course, I get weird.

"Yes," and i explain the reasoning of the speakers next to the symbol, I very rarely tell the truth about this (or any others).
She tells me how shes been trying to work it into her life every day and how much better she feels... so this breaks the ice and I talk.  She said something like "something about it... I feel people would be nicer if they all tried yoga more," and shes a newbie.  (I hope she doesnt get brain washed)  She also said its made her, somehow, stop playing with her phone, that its made her much more comfortable just sitting in silence, which to me sounds like a vacation.
Thats all.  Just a super nice encounter.  I did tell her I used to teach and she reacted how most people do "YOU?"
Buddha wasnt exactly a skinny Lulu girl, you know?

So I pulled out my phone and wrote about it to remember for this.

Anyone else kinda dislike court-side fans?  Its bothered me for 20 years.  You watch a basketball game, court-side and what do you see?  Pretty blondes, old white guys, maybe some little kids.  Right?  Maybe I'm being prejudice here, but for some reason, the instagram models dont really look like die hard fans who deserve to be sitting court-side.

And speaking of prejudice and racism (get what I just did?) that kid that was let off with 6 months for raping the passed out girl... 100% racist and if you dont think so, you're probably racist.  People who think stuff like that isnt racially motivated, at least to large degree, are lying or blind, and both are dangerous.  If that was a black kid, he would've gotten 20 years easy.

So I pulled out my phone and wrote about it to remember for this.


However you are voting, in 2 years you'll be embarrassed for being so committed to them/him/her.  I have zero faith in our government or their procedures.  How many million people live here?  Hillary and Donald are it??  A career criminal vs a clown.

So I pulled out my phone and wrote about it to remember for this.


I'll never understand why people talk to me about the things they do, but I dont question it anymore.  It did make me write this after a talk:
Who we are.  Identity false.  Does the ego hold us back.
I wrote that after a conversation w a friend who is having troubles with their "path."  This person is very caught up in the momentum of the wave they've been riding but they dont want to continue, yet they do.  "I may not know what to do without this," and thats scary.
2016 is scary.  Everything is ripping past us, technology has catapulted us into the weird space where information is shared instantly and nothing is private.  Who we are, has become a facebook status and how we're valued is measured in "likes," or views (you people better start liking my damn videos! ha).
If they floor falls out, if our bank accts are drained, if we have no social media, no way of communicating this particular persona, who are you?
If you're left alone to recreate from scratch, who are you?
If you are rock f'n bottom, no friends, nothing.  What would you do?  Who would you become?
Are you already there?
Or are you living the ego out?