A few things pop in my head when I sit down to do this these days, and usually it ends in not doing it.
I'm apprehensive to use the word "fear," because I'm not afraid of my thoughts and not afraid to be alone, but it still ends in me not typing/writing because the reader is on my mind.
So in the words of Bukowksi, "I don't try; I just type." So off I go into another forest I used to enjoy so much.
That hit me the other day and I recorded another video I'll never share. I was in Chapin with my new Ruck sack, getting things activated for the running season coming up. I was about to type something about Chapin being my favorite but I think that's like trying to say you have a favorite child. You might just like them differently, for different reasons, but you love them all. That is the trails for me. Over the years, its become an obsession. I love knowing the ups and downs, where the hard parts are, or where you can kick it into another gear and make up time. I love all the details of all the options, where to turn, where things short cut, where the long roads are. Which trails cross the river, which have bridges. A lot of time spent in there and all of them in the area. A lot of miles. A lot of sweat. A lot of alone time.
I love being able to help others when lost. I don't enjoy seeing them lost and most of the time they don't realize they're not lost at all, the path is just a little longer than they anticipated. I crossed an older woman (probably a younger grandma) and her grandson. They were clearly struggling, but I also understand someone not flagging down a 270lb guerilla stomping down the path. So I try to smile and acknowledge "I can see you're struggling." I reassure they're on the right path, just keep going. She didn't look confident, I said trust me... keep going and take the next left. Keep going. The parking your car is in is right across the street by the pond." They thanked and we went on our way.
If she wasn't paying attention and when right instead of left, she may have struggled. So I rerouted my path and ran the long road so that if she did make a mistake, I would run past them again. Luckily, this didn't happen.
I ran past a hill that sent some nice memories through me.
A lot has changed since then.
But what's changed?
This is the rope I stand on everyday.
Too young, too old. Too ordered, too chaotic. Too conservative, too liberal. Too hard, too soft. On and on, write in your own. I think it's possible, as we slide closer to the unknown exit, this balancing act gets harder and harder until something breaks.
I have two teens and a 4 year old. They're growing up in a world, we helped create, whether we know it, believe it, acknowledge it or not. It doesn't matter, its true. The world we daydreamed about when were kids doesn't fully exist anymore. The reasons are irrelevant for this. The challenge is balancing between the lines or chaos and order. Maybe there's a deep frustration in that. Maybe its nostalgia we (I) are holding onto and we want so badly for them to have the real life we had. We've all seen the meme. 4-6 kids, sitting on bikes and the caption is something like, "we never knew the last time we were going to have this evening." Our last pick up game at the park, the last ride to the corner store. It happened, it ended, and we didn't noticed (Unless you're weird and have had a crazy obsession with the clock since eh, 13 or so, then you noticed). Back to the beginning of the thought... there's a tug of war between not letting them fade or be sucked by the gravity of social contagion and copy cat thinkers, spoon fed ideas, countered with grounding in reality of real human connection, relationships, real life human experiences. I don't believe the tech future has anything human for us and I don't want to see us slipping into that void. We will become drones. I think we might already be on our way. Try talking to a group of teens lately?
Holding onto some crazy youthful energy is important. Having space to let it go is important. Being around people that accept and appreciate the young and old in you is important.
Knowing when to recover is important.
Knowing when to search for energy sources is important.
That's what I walked past the hill and that was the video I recorded. I need to find a way to have the conversations to help light the match and reignite an energy I lost.
It's hard to do while holding on to everything else.
Young guys, don't fall for the traps. Stay the path, your path. You're not lost. Just keep going. I ran these, trust me.
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I don't want to write pages. Just these as they come around.
My video: I want to have conversations with people who are running on "natural energy." People who have a calling in their soul and operate their day on that frequency. I used to be there. I want to visit it and see what I can find. These might be entrepreneurs, artists, deep thinkers and feelers, I want to meet and talk to people who think and feel deeply. I don't talk much because basic conversations and just that, basic. It's pop music. People near me know, I cant really have a talk without turning it into something bigger, deeper, more than it was than it started. I want to grow and learn more. I want to expand and meet more people that inspire great action and spread positive energy. Lets record it and put it on @home behind the sun podcast. message me.
funny thing... i don't think anyone will, but not because they don't like the idea. because people on that energy are humble in reflection and don't think they're special. "Who me? I'm just doing what I do..." exactly. effortless. like you're not even in control. the vision and messaging just comes to you, that's exactly what I want to know about.
