Don't Lie to Yourself

 I've had a lot of things on my mind lately that seem too... maybe uncomfortable, to bring up.  

I've wondered who else is thinking things I'm thinking, so that can be a thing to be concerned about... not knowing a safe place to camp out for a night, you know?   

I don't want to set this up much but please read it with a clear mind, not trying to project your own ideas.  Or maybe read it multiple times from a variety of angles... not sure... not really sure how its all about to come out either... but i hope if you're a man reading this, it opens up an idea or thought or avenue to communicate.  If you're a female, I hope it offers even a little insight and maybe an avenue to ask different questions or know when to say when.. sorry if it gets abstract, I'll try not to

so here goes...

I've had this thing on my mind and men are super weird about diving into it but I can see it all over their body language.  I hear it in the timing in between the words.  I hear it in the exhale.  I see it in the posture, even if you think your chest and chin are up.  It's in the silence.  The extra long eye contact where there are some words sitting in there, but you wont say them until I reach in and grab them.   

I know this because I have them too.  

Here's some bullshit...   Men aren't supposed to have anxiety.  Men don't get depressed.  Suck it up, man up, move on.   Deal w it.  Get tough already.   You can't sit in a room and not talk, people think you're weird.   What do you have to deal with?  Boys don't cry. 

A "friend," text me once a few years ago, said he knew I was "off."   I said "thanks man, just dealing with some depression..."   Response:  "suck it up, lets go."  I don't blame him, he doesn't/didn't know, but I never engaged in a conversation like that again.  I responded, "all good, I'm on it."    If you know what I know, you don't respond "suck it up," you respond "lets meet up... when are you free next?" and you don't let go of that until you do.  

Layer by layer, people slowly cover themselves up w mask after mask until they find one that fits well enough to keep moving forward without anyone detecting the truth.   Someone can ask and the mask will answer first to protect the root layer of truth.  Me and my friend talked about this a lot during sessions, but his mask was good, so layered, I didn't see what he was really showing me.   And I tried to put math on it and say "he has kids, great jobs, money, attractive, people love him... he's good," until he's not good.  

Those masks don't come off easy, they explode off.  

The mask wants to hide the truth and show how tough you are.  "Look how tough I am!  I wont cry at my moms funeral!" and bullshit like that because you think it's important to show some sort of "strength," for your daughters, because it's something special to show.  the mask lies.

The masks mean well.   It thinks it's protecting you by creating a false persona for survival.   But like everything else, there's a price to pay, especially when you lie.  Lie knowingly to yourself and its magnified.  

I believe this is the root cause of most depression and anxiety near us.  Lying knowingly is one thing, lie knowingly to yourself and the price you pay will be magnified.  It will slowly dissect your energy, piece by piece, until you are actually unrecognizable.  Enough lies to yourself and you will no longer be the person you were before the lying.  Once you're in, digging out of this is one hell of a situation because you've created an entirely new reality, all based on lies you told yourself.  Getting out, is going back out the way you came and it's not easy.  It takes a lot of work.  

Don't let this happen.  Don't let this happen to yourself or anyone near you.  Do not compromise your actual being for what you perceive to be a need from an outside energy.   What I mean is in the funeral example above.   I thought I needed to show a character for the people that were looking at me, figurately and literally.   Don't do that.   My daughter Olivia didn't see me cry on that until this past year.  That was long overdo and not real.  People need real, not characters.   

Take the masks off and be truthful.  

If you need a few days to hide away, do it.  

You need balance.   

Men need a sense of tribal attachment and brotherhood.  

Don't let your husband or boyfriend or brother or any of them wear the mask around you.  Ask questions, disarm it, enjoy time, peel it off.  Dissolve it.  

---stop trying to be so cool and just write---

     I was standing w a friend, just me and him.  We were just bullshitting about work and such, but I knew what was sitting there.  I said "make sure you're taking time for yourself."  He didn't even look at me.  He looked down and nodded several times, "yeah."  I continued, "I'm serious, I can feel what you didn't say."  His eyes watered, he nodded again, "yeah."   I persisted, "dont let this fade.... your kids need your energy to be right... it might feel forced but start going through the motions of things you know you like to do even if you don't feel like doing them.  do them anyway, let the energy come back, i'll go with you."

     I was sitting with another friend who went through a rough spell of depression and made some changes.  Chicken or the egg, was it the life that created the depression or the depression that created the life?  you don't know what you don't know.  I know it was the lies he told himself that started to drown him.  The mask couldn't keep up the act and it ate him away.   So as we sat, I reassured him of his decisions but to not continue the lies.  "If you want to get back to good, you have to be genuine and truthful in all ways..." even if they think you're weird.   

   When you see him quitting things he loves, when you see anxiety silence him, when he tells you he's exhausted, sit.   You don't have to talk.   There doesn't have to be an answer or a fix or a thing to discuss at all times.  Silence in comfort works well.  

Sometimes we just need to turn the world off for a little while. 

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Just reread some a few days after writing... I think I lost my way briefly, but hope it helps.  I think this topic is a much better discussion to record for a podcast vs blog.  Interested?

Lights On Go Dark

I was in the process of updating my website, something that is always a challenge for me. What's too personal? What should look more professional? How much information is the right amount of information?

How much of myself is too much?

I thought, Keep It Simple. Be straight forward, and just start creating... something I haven't done in a little while.

I walked away a few years ago. If you're reading this, good chance you saw the video. I left training and football, mostly because of my daughters. There was an energy flow as well, a bit of a "leak," where it went away and I struggled to keep the cup full and revving hot like I like it. So if its not hot, add in the need to see more of my daughters events, walking away from those 2 things felt like a nice relief.

I went all in on that (walking away). People talked to me about fitness and health, I played dumb. People would ask what I do or what I've been doing... "I work for a manufacturing company, real estate in the evenings and weekends." It was kind of fun to hear how people talk and the things they wonder about involving health, nutrition, movement, etc., and just sit there listening, nodding, maybe telling them to google a question. I wasn't being an asshole, I just unplugged that part of my brain. "What gym should my wife join?" was about the only question/topic that elevated my heart rate (the answer is Titans or Hambden Health & Fitness).

Little by little, drip by drip, things started happening around me. More conversations were near me, I ignored them less. Jumped in and answered a few questions. It felt good. I still let it slide though, thought back to who I used to be... even said that same line out loud to friends, "trying to find who I used to be," because he seemed to not be present.

Drips kept coming. And coming. Little by little, I involved myself and answered more questions, gave more info and it felt really good again. It felt good to be useful. It felt good to have the words to ignite the light inside someone else's head to make them go ah haaa. I could feel some of that energy start to circulate again.

I started looking around the room differently.

Thank you Covid. You and your puppets have said all the right things. Covid truth and the puppets lies has been what I needed to reignite the energy inside the darkness.

Since my mom passed, the darkness has been a strange place for me. I didn't hate it. I liked "disappearing." Again, my previous writings give this context, and my thoughts on a living suicide are part of this idea, because that's what I did, or tried to do.

I read a quote after Conor McGregors last lost from Tim Grover. "He was exposed by the limelight and never found his way back to true darkness that had allowed him to win." Two things in this got my attention. 1) This guy, Tim Grover, knows the darkness the way I like it. 2) Tim Grover was my very first training inspiration way back when WebTv came around.. think about that year.

I "dogboned," one day (I believe that's what the search engine was called, long before you could google), Michael Jordans workout, because I didn't know shit. I knew I wanted to train like an athlete and I wanted to train athletes. Tim Grover popped up, along with the workout routine he ran MJ through, free on the internet. So the timing of seeing Grover again on IG after many years passed, writing what he wrote, then I read the books on his mindset, I knew, I know, its a door I have to step back through.

It's where I live. It's where I come alive.

The darkness of Covid woke me up. Seeing all these people relinquish the trust of their own bodies, it reminded me of my mom. All this trust to a system that needs you sick in order to continue their way of profit and life.

Just like her.

I am not anti-vax, I'm not anti science in anyway. I'm pro truth. Pro-logic. Pro-facts. Don't misread me and project your own feelings on the words I wrote. This situation has highlighted the level of lack of education in our own human bodies. People that are chowing on potato chips, yelling at the tv, telling healthy 20 year olds to get a shot kinda blows my mind. Its not a planet I want to live on but I'm not on Elons space ship yet. So like Gandhi said "Be the change," lets roll.

Are some shots good? Yep.

Know what's real good? Cardio. Lifting weights. Yoga. Walking in the park. Getting sunshine. Hanging with your friends. Reading books. Breathing heavy.

Know what's bad? Limiting your oxygen intake. NOT being in the sun. Stressing about money and jobs and gas prices.

Know what boosts your immune system? Movement. Walking. Eating vegetables. Sunshine.

Know what's bad for your immune system? Giving a fuck about your social media feed. Sitting on the couch too much. Staying inside. Limiting oxygen with undies over your nose and mouth.

I've written it 100x 100 different ways. It was in the Power Programs, it was on the fields and in the yoga studios. It came out of my mouth daily. You have the tools inside of yourself. You just have to flip the switches and get after it.

I can help you make that happen.

A Little of This...

 From 2009-mid 2017, I wrote over 230 entries, 77,000 readers.  

From mid-2017 to about an hour ago, I've written 12.   

Went from over 28 per year to 3 per year.  

But 77 were written, saved as drafts, just never hit the PUBLISH button.  

The "energy," just went away.  Like a switch, the lights went out.   

I'm not trying to start it off as another boo-hoo post, this is about the appreciation of energy.  Not the energy that revs you up for a run or a game or a moment.  Just energy.  

Maybe I can spit something out.. 

I believe we do actually have "switches," of sorts.  We can things on and off inside.  Might be easier for some than others, but they're there.  Have you ever known anyone to just wake up one day and start an exercise program?   I have.  Just 0-100, just like that.  they just flipped a switch.  People often find themselves in situations where its time to plant the foot a redirect the energy.  Maybe its left, maybe right, maybe its just to tighten up into the ground and prepare for a storm.  They just flipped the switch and turned it on.  

Have you ever had a conversation with someone you barely knew, or maybe just someone you didn't know very well (its not the same thing)?   One day, you have a conversation and the talk goes a layer deeper than usual.  Maybe two or three.   Next thing you know, 90 minutes, 2 hours, just floated away and you sat there talking about nothing and everything, and it was excellent.   An energetic exchange. 

Have you ever had an encounter checking out groceries?   Maybe a weird or awkward thing happened and the young person fumbled through everything but still laughed and made fun, like breaking character of playing "grocery store employee,' and you both laugh.  Then you walk out lighter.  An appreciation for the moment and "break," lingered and made you pause.... that was cool.  That's some energy.  

You walk down that street out of blossom, headed for the car.  Crowds of people all around, everyone just buzzing off that encore performance, everyone can feel it.  It's not just a "that band rocked," thing or nostalgia thing.  It's a thing that happens when 30,000 people stand together and sing and dance and focus energy on a source.  

What goes on in Church?   I believe that's what group prayer is about.  

A good yoga room energy... that's something good.   I do miss that juice.  

When you can combine some of that yoga energy into football drill energy, that's some reeaal good energy.  

Breakthroughs happen everywhere.  The mat, the field, the office, the bar, the gym, the woods, the options are unlimited.  But we have to be aware and be willing to receive.  Awareness and receiving are hand in hand.  

We agree on smell, taste, touch, sight, sound.  Maybe we agree because that's currently all we know and all we can prove.  Would it be odd to wonder if there are more?   

How do box up the energy exchange?   How do we label it so we can address it, teach it and explain it so more can be aware?   

Baby steps. 

People pray together.  Sing together.  Move together.  Communicate with each other.   Dance together.  They hold hands.  They cheer together and eat together.  We know that energy.  What it does to our soul, how we feel and how to moves us forward... you can imagine some right now and even get a jolt in your seat.  Careful now!  

Maybe they bitch a little together, we know how that goes.  All too well.  I dont even want to write any bad energy.. but know how that swells around us to.   I have to stop there.  

Which energy do you want?   Go do those things that provide that energy.

Which energy do you not want?   Good, stop doing those thing that provide that energy.  

You may have to redirect your life.  There will be sacrifice, somehow, someway.  There always is.  Sacrifice is absolutely unavoidable so just accept it now as part of the ride and roll with it as it comes.  Because what you'll probably find your sacrificing is actually rooted somewhere inside, that clings to the negative, that darkness, that energetic black hole.  The part of your life that holds onto the moments that leave you feeling like shit, need to be "sacrificed."   

Might be a habit.  Might be a relationship.  Might be your music.  Might be your phone.  Might be your current level of health.  Might be your drink.   Might be the books you are reading.   

You have a song you listen to and when its over, you're like "fuck yeah!"   Play it again.  One more time.  Then the next decision, make it with that song as your energy.  

Then do it again.  

One more time.  

How'd that go?   

(PUBLISH)

It's a little weird being a little weird.     

Show Me The Money!

On the Blue Chip Mindset page, I wrote: 

All these incentives to get a brand new, fairly unproven vax. Seems odd people need to be paid to jump in line. Shows me a few things about facts, character and thought processes.

Most importantly it made me wonder if anyone has ever tried to “incentivize,” and continually educate healthy habits.

I understand. People are scared.

Be afraid of the real possibilities that are slowly building up behind the scenes. Diabetes, cancer, chronic joint pain, etc. I see people shitting their pants to get this shot yet pop a pill to focus, pop another pill to get aroused, pop another pill to settle down for sleep, pop another pill for blood pressure, pop another pill for pain, pop another pill for anxiety, it never fucking ends. But we’re a nation of control and consumerism.... we’re seeing those two trains at full throttle coming right down the tracks

——

I used to think we were all very similar. Maybe this has shown additional truth that I/we continue to learn every day.

Where I wrote, "Be afraid of the real possibilities building up behind the scenes," that stuck with me for a few hours, days actually.  I admit, sometimes I'll write something then reflect later and wonder if I expressed it properly.   Was it too harsh?   Too vague?  Did I misinterpret something and lost someone?   It's a touchy situation right now, easy to piss people off and then lose opportunity for further education and understanding... that's not good.  

But I cant help but see the irony and the infinite cycle of the thoughts and actions that are revolving around us.   

I've always felt heath and wellness was a financial issue.  I've written and talked about that for 15 years.  Someone may counter with "education," but they go hand in hand.   Finances, unfortunately are the primary source to open the field of education.  Again, the volley would be that education is free now, all over the internet.   But the information has been so compromised, so fragile, I don't think most people know fact from fiction, science from style, and if you dont have a moderate-strong understanding of our own bodies, you'll lose enthusiasm for the material and give up and give in.   Which is why obesity continues to climb.   

Many people over think what to do in gyms.   Many people over think what an exercise program is.   This is probably one of the places I "failed," as a personal trainer.   I did not let people lean on me for the long haul.  I told everyone, "the goal is to not need me for very long."  When you're trying to educate people to the point of "not needing me," that's not a very strong business model.  An honest one, yes, but nothing you can retire from.  

That's the difference between me and the things I see in so many other people.   I saw it in my mother and her addiction to the doctors words over mine.   After-all, shouldn't we trust another human that has spent $150,000+ on an education, has a new title in front of their name and hangs degrees and certs everywhere?   Sounds like these people are on the up and up, right?   We should trust them!   Right?  But how many doctors say "the goal is to not need me for very long"?

How many stories do you know where someone needs a prescription to cure an issue then the prescription creates another issue?   So now there's two new meds circulating.  "Med 1 effects Med 2... maybe if we adjust Med 1...." and off they go.   Sales & Marketing. 

That will offend many people.   

Has science and medicine cured and saved many?   We know the answer is yes.   But we also know there is a darkside that's been corrupted.    Ever spend time in the Seidman Cancer Center?   Ever spend hours there wondering how much money they make?   How about the mark up on something simple like... oh, idk.. insulin?   

Medicine makes money.   To continue the billion dollar industry, they need sick people.   How do they create sickness?   

Keep people dumb.  Keep them confused.  Scare them.   Keep people leaning on doctors and the system.   

If people knew and believed they could stay healthy with fruits, vegetables, proper serving sizes, variety of movements and cardio... would their system make as much money?   

How does this thought align with what we see in todays world?

Then weave all the other stories into this.... follow the money and you'll find the truth.  You wont like it.   You wont want to believe it.   But if you follow the money and have a beginners understanding of the depth of corruption possible, you'll start thinking about things a little more deeply. 

Somewhat off-topic, but does effect what I wrote above, that someone may attempt to debate.  Cholesterol.  (generic but accurate)

One of the functions of cholesterol is to help build healthy cells and produce testosterone. 

Balanced, appropriate levels of testosterone help stabilize/regulate sex drive, fat-muscle ratio, muscle mass and strength.  

Lean muscle helps run the metabolism "hot," burning off unnecessary fat cells, therefore reducing the risk of  diabetes, heart disease, inflammations, joint pain, etc.  

Do you know what other disease loves chewing up and strengthening itself off of inflammation?  

Cancer.  

So why do we have over 35,000,000 taking cholesterol meds vs educating, promoting and incentivizing a healthy lifestyle?   

The government, pharmaceutical companies, hospitals, etc., do not make (enough) money at the salad bar.   Your garden in the backyard isnt regulated or taxed.  

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Overall point:   Remove their power by owning every decision in your life.  Your health and happiness is on you.  

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Anyone else concerned about a person that:  Is the money behind the vaccines (may even hold a patent on them); was a financial contributor to the lab in Wuhan; on record warning of over population; and now owns 242,000 acres of United States farmland?   

Follow the money.  

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More facts.