Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Part 1

Home from football, walked in on my wife going through a Mike Dolce video. If you don’t know him, you should. He has a couple cookbooks and won personal trainer (or maybe just trainer?) of the year award, trains ufc athletes.  So I’m watching and smiling... and I started to flash back to when I wanted to be that guy on the tv.   I sat down and loved his enthusiasm and remembered to when I would copy him and study how he taught because I wanted that.  I wanted that enthusiasm and charisma, I wanted people to love the classes and get results.  

And eventually walked out and started to cry.  Because it finally hit me, that I quit.  I quit because my mother was diagnosed w a cancer that I felt I could’ve helped her prevent and I didn’t.   I didn’t help her.  I tried, and it just didn’t work.  And when that happened, I left.  I lied and tried to say I didn’t, that it was fine, everything is fine, but I wasn’t really there.  


I can’t find a way to not hold myself partially responsible.  The mention of her or “hospice,” and watch me try my best poker face, which usually ends w welling eyes.... don’t blink.  

Monday, July 23, 2018

If I Had $100,000,000 and The Darkness

A couple of us were standing around, killing some time, I wasn't paying much attention when I heard "What about you?"
"What would you do if you had $100,000,000 right now, today?"

This was the conversation over a week ago and I haven't had many more ideas than I did that day.  I said, "I'd find the people that were good to me and make sure their dreams became real."
C'mon man!  What would YOU do for YOURSELF?
So I played along and said "come back to me," because I needed time to think of something for myself.
First thing that came to mind "Find where Pearl Jam is playing tonight and go."

But the first thought was the only one that stayed in my head, and that is exactly what I would do.  I wouldn't give anyone the easy path, but I would definitely relieve some business debt for a good handful of people, pay off some homes and give business loans. 

My personal project would be an idea I had years ago when attempting to organize a non-profit fitness based fundraising campaign, Care Centers. Obviously having $100,000,000, there wouldn't be a need for the fundraising to fund it.  The Care Centers wouldn't be large at all, just a building with a handful of rooms, each offering something different through the day w some classes in the evenings.
I would like these Centers to teach meditation and mindful living.
Learn about natural medicines and healthy nutrition.
A library where people can relax without the busyness of a library (cant check these books out). 
A community garden where kids can learn the value of nutrition
Teach parents how to grocery shop and the value of energizing the kids
Float tanks
Open discussions where people can share their lives and help each other
Variety of free Yoga
Quiet rooms
A safe place to just sit quietly to reset your brain.
No phones or laptops
No social media check ins
No egos
They can be directed to fit the needs of the community their placed in so no two would be alike. 

I held tears when writing this... as I have nearly everyday since last April
I work to maintain a firm discipline because it feels like the only concrete thing I can wrap my head around.  Only what I create in my mind, my perception of,  feels real.
At her second to last stop, she asked me about the next "place," but I knew she had her own ideas... she believed I had faith in "returning."  So she asked what to come back as... I said, "The Light," she nodded and we held hands.

I'm still searching for it...

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Thank you...

Where to begin?  I don't usually post anything political for a few reasons. Top 2 being 1) I dont really give a shit and 2) It's a waste of time.
The story going on involving the southern border has interested me.  Not because of the politics involved directly, but the reactions I've heard through the grapevine.  Seems many people post on sical media random memes or pics about what Obama did or some other nonsense, none of which I see because I've blocked or de-friended most close-minded, racist, homophobe, control freak, ignorant, conservatives... no offense.

On Wednesday or Thursday I posted something this:
Wanted to offer a thought I had after hearing how many people are posting about the border issue and children being separated. 
Regardless of politics or law, I hope people take a few moments from time to time and see these issues as they are or what they completely involve.
Pretty good chance if you’re reading this, you already won a type of “lottery,” being born in this country. And because of that we assume the system and concepts around it, that we inherited, are right and true (not saying they’re not, just laying a foundation).
But now flip it around... let’s say you didn’t “win the lottery.” Draw any picture you’d like that would motivate you to attempt breaking a known law to help better your family.
That’s all.
This isn’t a political post, it’s a human post. Any one of us could have been born anywhere else with those exact same circumstances. We can’t say “if I was him/her/them/whatever, then I’d do _________,” because you wouldn’t be... you’d still be that same person in those circumstances because you’d only know that life. You wouldn’t have the convenience of this perspective you now have.
But now flip it around... let’s say you didn’t “win the lottery.” Draw any picture you’d like that would motivate you to attempt breaking a known law to help better your family. That’s all. This isn’t a political post, it’s a human post. Any one of us could have been born anywhere else with those exact same circumstances. We can’t say “if I was him/her/them/whatever, then I’d do _________,” because you wouldn’t be... you’d still be that same person in those circumstances because you’d only know that life. You wouldn’t have the convenience of this perspective you now have.

Really hope I wrote this accurately...a little trick to put it into written word.

With this pic:

This is how I feel.

So when I'm in a conversation and people tell me about so and so and person x posting about this in a Pro-Trump manner, I think 2 things.  1) wtf does trump have to do with this and 2) Thank you.  Thank you for letting us all know what a dumb shit you really are.  Thank you for peeling back the fake mask you wear wherever you go and letting us all know you are completely incapable of an actual original thought or human emotion.

And I completely understand that for the sake of debate, there are many layers to this, but this really isnt a debate.  If you actually have to debate right vs wrong.. Thank you.  Thank you for letting me know in advance that you can never come to my house.  Because I cannot have dumb people that have to debate basic human rights and right vs wrong near my kids, near my wife, near my dogs, near my fish, near my vibe, near my anything, or exhaling your negative bullshit energy into my air.  It's a very honest thank you.  I'm sorry if "dumb," seems too harsh but it is 2018, so... ignorance at this point is a choice and if you choose ignorance, it is what it is.

Thank you letting us know you have no empathy... despite the religion you preach.  How ironic is that?
Thank you for letting us know you have no sympathy.  If desperate strangers in need of help can't count on you, someone supposedly raised "better," and "with more," and "higher education," on and on, no one can actually count you for anything worth a shit because you have failed.  

When they post some nonsense about "Well Obama did it too..." huh?  Ok?  I guess I'm sorry I didnt see it in the news when it happened.. whats the point?? We know now and see now.  That's the same dumbass logic like "Well this is what we've always done so...." so continue losing?  Continue being an ignorant piece of shit?  
Orrrrr could we possibly learn from mistakes?  
Noooo that would be as insane as debating an amendment that was written 200+ years ago back when it took 90 seconds to reload one bullet (whoops).  

But it's all good... I'm on my wave, you ride yours.  I love my tribe and the people near me with that good energy, with the love and optimism, empathy and kindness, you go be you.  You sit there and I'll sit here and I'm good with it.  And when you need something, I'll still be here because I'm not you.  I think my mom everyday for the kindness she helped install into my heart so I recognize via instinct and ask "whats the best thing?"  Not right vs wrong, but what is best?  Like that pic above, I practice patience (as hard as it gets) and love and care for people because I understand the root of empathy (cant say that word enough).  I understand and accept that this life is so short and anything could have happened to anyone of us.
 I could've been born in Mexico and that easily could've been me and my kids trying to cross an imaginary man made line in the dirt separating human from human... and you could be a person that practices love and compassion and find a way to offer help.... you could now, but you choose not to. 

So thank you for showing us who you are.  I hope you find a way to change, for the sake of all of our kids.  I couldn't mean this any more sincere. 
Our culture, our society has to change.  We have to improve.  We have to grow and be better.  

So when you say"Thank you, for coming off like a liberal hippy big mouth," I'll smile and say "You're welcome,"

Sunday, June 3, 2018

No Code

This is written only though the perspective of my life, my experiences and my truth... which can change at any moment.
Someone may and probably will, strongly disagree with some of this and that would be fine.  Because their vision, their expression is through their life, their experiences and their truth... which can also change at any moment.
You may enjoy this when reading 
into the "negative space."

In no particular order or priority..

Find your tribe...
   You may have already.  They may change.  As will your needs and desires throughout life.  Grow together, share together.  Don't leave when struggle occurs.  Assist, teach, learn, support... that's tribal love.  Don't remove a member, and don't wander too far.

No debt...
   You'll be tempted to do certain things that create a financial debt.  I'm 50/50 on these, make your decision carefully.  No the difference between improving the experience of life vs following some unwritten rules.   You are under no obligation to follow the generic steps that you've seen 100 other people do, nearly all unsuccessfully.  They'll want you to follow them, but pay close attention.  Misery loves company.

A nice follow to that point
Work a job, enjoy the hobby...
   You'll need money to operate.  Often it'll be needed to advance the experience of life, but more on that later.  Travel and a level of security should be high priorities, you'll need a decent "9-5," to take care of these things.  Although your job should be an extension of who you are to a point, it should not be everything.  The "everything," should be separate and not have finances attached.... because then it becomes a job.  So get a job that takes care of the basics and needs, then work your hobby with your heart and find pleasure within that.

Train your body, completely...
   Run, lift, yoga, meditate, exercise for enjoyment, stretch, sit quietly, expand your mind, sprint up a hill, hike, bike, swim, eat good foods that energize everything - research that, kayak, go on a retreat, dive into information that excites you, read, love people, get into nature - don't mole away in the city, rock climb, see the desert - the ocean - taste the salt water, dance outside, taste the jungle, keep reading, know when to stress your body and why, have a bonfire often, get a tattoo if you like - make it a reminder of your power,...
There are levels to reach, just like the physical training you already know... the body, mind, spirit connection is very real, and can drive every single thing... especially the things you love.

Then help people and reteach what you learn...
   It doesn't do much good to gain information then hole yourself away in the mountains.  I once had a friend who would often say "I only want to teach yoga in the mountains of..." and every time I'd stop her and say something to effect of what a waste that would be.  Really though, who can't teach yoga in a resort in Colorado mountains?  Whoopity Doo.  Poopity Scoop.  (Thats really funny if you've heard the new Kanye song)    So whatever you learn, teach it, pass it along.  You never know when that one nugget you've been holding onto could be the piece someone else has been searching for...

   I mentioned this above in two sections, but I think it's a very important piece.  While seeing NYC and San Francisco is nice, I'm talking about Europe and historical sites.  Visit cultures, not cities.  Beaches are great and if I could go somewhere right now, it would be a burning beach to run off into the ocean, get a big taste of that salt water and let the waves wash away everything.  But visit Peru, Brazil, Ireland, Japan, Alaska, see the wonders of the world.  Shark dive, cruise through the North, taste a jungle, see a sunrise at the top of a volcano in Hawaii, get a vision of just how far humans have come.

   I recently read a book that I found excellent for two main reasons, #1 being the title of the book and primary message, "discipline equals freedom."  Check it out.  He simply details how living a disciplined life opens up doors to freedom (not be redundant, but), then the #2 for me was also what I just wrote in the word "simply."
Jocko's book is just that and I believe this was also his message, things don't have to be complex to be great.  When you can handle the basics and then the discipline within that framing, other options become very simple to see, manage and execute, no matter what it is.  Being disciplined within the simplicity of a day, creates a space that helps you reduce pressure and anxiety, and helps you adjust everything into very manageable doses.

When life gets settled, seek discomfort...
   Do not become some comfy fat ass, sitting the cul-de-sac of your fancy housing development, with nothing on the schedule but work and T ball.  Seek discomfort.  Find the challenges and keep the mind, body and spirit engaged.  This, I believe, is the fountain of youth.  Our bodies will fade, deteriorate and rot, they are as we sit here, but our energy is different.  It's a vibration.  And when constantly challenged, your vision in life is always floating through a wave of youthful energy, which will set you apart.
Protect that energy with your life.  This will help lead to happiness, however it is you choose to draw it out over your time.

You might be reading this at 17, 37, or 67... nothing is concrete, nothing is finished until our hearts stop beating, never forget that.
Experience as much as you can, while you can.

Lastly, when shit hits the fan, which it will... don't panic ;) you already know how to handle it

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Follow Up to Podcast #16 - I don't have goals

After hearing a couple reviews, which I usually ignore, turns out yesterdays podcast came off negative.  We text about it and all, but maybe it would be decent/helpful to clear it up.

When I talked about "finding a purpose," and that purpose actually being happiness and inner peace... I heard "whats wrong?" Someone heard it and thought "how depressing," and that really felt alien to me.

I let my dogs out into the yard a few minutes ago.  As they sprinted out and ran a couple random circles, I thought I want that.  I want the feeling they have, like "holy crap, I cant believe we're out here again!!! I never thought it would happen!" and sprint around the "yard."

But theres always next year...
Theres next season...
Next month...
When I turn 45...
or 25...
Lets do that next summer...
Lets make a plan, let's set a goal! and do that together next time...

Which is the issue.  We think our time is unlimited.  We let ourselves forget how incredibly fragile this life is and think "There's always tomorrow."  Til the day happens when tomorrow is now, and the clock is finished.
What we really have is now.
And then... now.
Ad now again.
Fill in the blank with the "tomorrow is ____ and yesterday was___," right?  It can be challenging to maintain, the thought that is, but its real.  Just, now. 

So no, I dont have goals.  I dont have the goal sheets anymore.  I don't think that should be confused with lack of ambition.  Plus I do believe there is a time and place for goals and certain attitudes, but they don't exist in my personal mind, my actual consciousness..

A friend told me he made a list of "things he likes," and thought I should to.  As I spent some time to think about, the list really didn't surprise me.  It's all the things I like to do everyday (I badly need a float center on the east side).  Now all I want to do is schedule for myself.  Super simple.  I want to schedule things in my life that make me happy.  That is all.  If we need to say "that's a goal," feel free.

Don't think I'm depressed or "broken," (although broken is sort of true in a good way) or any goofy label.
I'm just enjoying a new view on this ride.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Yield - 2 entries

Part 1

Been a while... hopefully I still remember how to do this.

I guess in order that it pops in, pretty sure that was the style.

I've been taking some classes, somewhat fitness related but a touch more.  Doesn't matter what it is, but its enough to take me to that old edge I used to find in yoga studios.  The edge that challenges current ideas and thoughts or the edge where brand new ones come floating in or old ones reappear in a new shape and form.
So after I drove home in silence, I sat in my car and wrote this on an instagram post:If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that no matter what happens, no matter how many wins or losses, successes or failures, pain or bliss, we can continue and endure if we choose to. We can battle til complete exhaustion and everything will still be fine. We can be rejected, shot down, our dreams can be set aside and it can still be ok. We are allowed to fail.
As I’ve written and talked about, life is not a pillow. It never was, never will be. It’s a tool for us to shape and move, to dive within and observe, to walk through and with. We can accept it and all possibilities w love, compassion and open minds and hearts, or wrestle until our energy is completely depleted... but how do you wrestle the ocean? 
This is not a defeated post, this is not a post in attempt to motivate... this is the line I believe exists. A line to walk. No matter the “weather,” or any outside interference, the line within, the line of our psyche can remain straight and true, w no fear of failure. #yield
The last 12-18 months haven't been easy.  I may have attempted to look "normal," or unaffected, for whatever reason, but I actually went too far.  It hit me one day about a month ago.  I was trying to create a video, with very good intentions, about the link between carbohydrates to inflammation then inflammation to cancer (its there, google it).  But as I began editing and recording more footage, I stopped.  I was sitting on the rooftop of the parking garage attached to Rainbow and the cancer center... I just sat down on the wall and stopped. And cried.  I don't know if one day has gone by that I haven't.

I can't fight anymore.  I don't want to fight anymore.  My moms death, then Ben, it became an obsession.  I couldn't talk without echoing some conspiracy or theory on how screwed everything is in this world.  So yeah, it is screwed, and as a world society we're messed up, but it's not my fight.

All I can control, all you can control is yourself within your space.  That really is it.  We can attempt to influence positivity and educate, but end of the day, we're not in control of the outcome. 

I'm about to be 41.  I'd like to continue and finish out with a nice job with nice people, make it great, coach football well and enjoy my time.   Yield.

We were talking about my mom tonight and I asked "wonder what she would do?"  She would say "let it go."  And it would be the right thing to do.

Part 2

Just turned 41 a few days ago, a new baby on the way, new job/career redirection and transitioning in/out of some phases. I haven’t exactly lived under a rock. I’ve had some time as an entrepreneur, working with and for entrepreneurs. I’ve coached a few sports for a few seasons, was able to experience a wide variety of young people. I’ve worked closely w hundreds of grown adults coming from a a variety of backgrounds and histories. I’ve failed hard and had moments of “ok.” I believe a good number of big conspiracies and question facts, I feel I have an honest eye about this world. That’s all I’m saying.
So I recently broke or dislocated a few bones in my foot. I have a good amount of info stored in my brain that lets me know a few things about this injury. Rest it, elevate, ice, things like that. Do that and it’ll basically handle itself. I don’t need to talk to it or ask it “please heal.” I trust the system. Rest, ice, take care, it’ll heal on its own.

But I suffered an injury last April that I can’t seem to shake. I thought I could. I thought I was building a system that would be able to shake off anything. A system that could break and repair immediately, that could walk in and out of anything unharmed.
I was wrong.

So we have all these names and titles and on and on, right? We agree to agree on that. I play this role, you play that role, and off we go.
Then in looking back to the first paragraph I wrote above (part2)... what that’s taught me is how paper thin these roles really are. That they can be copied, transferred, burnt, recreated, torn up and trashed, they mean absolutely zero.

I'll never forget one of my therapy evenings.  An incredible wave of loneliness swelled my body unlike anything I've ever felt, and it's really never left.  And I don't mean it in a "boo hoo, I'm all alone," thing.  I remember looking around at friends and seeing a connection yet knowing fully how temporary it actually is, and it felt completely comfortable.    

The actual conflict is survival. And survival today, 2018 in this country, has taken on a new meaning or vision, one that the human concept (in my opinion) isn’t exactly built for. (Flip side, we could argue that we are built for adaptation). 

This Is Blue Chip