Part 1
Been a while... hopefully I still remember how to do this.
I guess in order that it pops in, pretty sure that was the style.
I've been taking some classes, somewhat fitness related but a touch more. Doesn't matter what it is, but its enough to take me to that old edge I used to find in yoga studios. The edge that challenges current ideas and thoughts or the edge where brand new ones come floating in or old ones reappear in a new shape and form.
So after I drove home in silence, I sat in my car and wrote this on an instagram post:If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that no matter what happens, no matter how many wins or losses, successes or failures, pain or bliss, we can continue and endure if we choose to. We can battle til complete exhaustion and everything will still be fine. We can be rejected, shot down, our dreams can be set aside and it can still be ok. We are allowed to fail.
As I’ve written and talked about, life is not a pillow. It never was, never will be. It’s a tool for us to shape and move, to dive within and observe, to walk through and with. We can accept it and all possibilities w love, compassion and open minds and hearts, or wrestle until our energy is completely depleted... but how do you wrestle the ocean?
This is not a defeated post, this is not a post in attempt to motivate... this is the line I believe exists. A line to walk. No matter the “weather,” or any outside interference, the line within, the line of our psyche can remain straight and true, w no fear of failure. #yield
The last 12-18 months haven't been easy. I may have attempted to look "normal," or unaffected, for whatever reason, but I actually went too far. It hit me one day about a month ago. I was trying to create a video, with very good intentions, about the link between carbohydrates to inflammation then inflammation to cancer (its there, google it). But as I began editing and recording more footage, I stopped. I was sitting on the rooftop of the parking garage attached to Rainbow and the cancer center... I just sat down on the wall and stopped. And cried. I don't know if one day has gone by that I haven't.
I can't fight anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. My moms death, then Ben, it became an obsession. I couldn't talk without echoing some conspiracy or theory on how screwed everything is in this world. So yeah, it is screwed, and as a world society we're messed up, but it's not my fight.
All I can control, all you can control is yourself within your space. That really is it. We can attempt to influence positivity and educate, but end of the day, we're not in control of the outcome.
I'm about to be 41. I'd like to continue and finish out with a nice job with nice people, make it great, coach football well and enjoy my time. Yield.
We were talking about my mom tonight and I asked "wonder what she would do?" She would say "let it go." And it would be the right thing to do.
Part 2
Just
turned 41 a few days ago, a new baby on the way, new job/career redirection and
transitioning in/out of some phases. I haven’t exactly lived under a rock. I’ve
had some time as an entrepreneur, working with and for entrepreneurs. I’ve
coached a few sports for a few seasons, was able to experience a wide variety
of young people. I’ve worked closely w hundreds of grown adults coming from a a
variety of backgrounds and histories. I’ve failed hard and had moments of “ok.”
I believe a good number of big conspiracies and question facts, I feel I have
an honest eye about this world. That’s all I’m saying.
So I
recently broke or dislocated a few bones in my foot. I have a good amount of
info stored in my brain that lets me know a few things about this injury. Rest
it, elevate, ice, things like that. Do that and it’ll basically handle itself.
I don’t need to talk to it or ask it “please heal.” I trust the system. Rest,
ice, take care, it’ll heal on its own.
But
I suffered an injury last April that I can’t seem to shake. I thought I could.
I thought I was building a system that would be able to shake off anything. A
system that could break and repair immediately, that could walk in and out of
anything unharmed.
I
was wrong.
So
we have all these names and titles and on and on, right? We agree to agree on
that. I play this role, you play that role, and off we go.
Then
in looking back to the first paragraph I wrote above (part2)... what that’s taught me
is how paper thin these roles really are. That they can be copied, transferred,
burnt, recreated, torn up and trashed, they mean absolutely zero.
I'll never forget one of my therapy evenings. An incredible wave of loneliness swelled my body unlike anything I've ever felt, and it's really never left. And I don't mean it in a "boo hoo, I'm all alone," thing. I remember looking around at friends and seeing a connection yet knowing fully how temporary it actually is, and it felt completely comfortable.
The actual conflict is survival. And survival today, 2018 in this country, has
taken on a new meaning or vision, one that the human concept (in my opinion)
isn’t exactly built for. (Flip side, we could argue that we are built for
adaptation).
Yield
