I stopped counting sessions and started counting dollars. And if you know me, that's probably a really weird sentence to read because I don't really give a $hit about money... or so I thought. But I found myself pulling out a calculator far too often and adding up my minutes and then trying to figure ways to hit daily financial goals. I never stressed about not having an appointment, I stressed the finances.
(I should have sat down to write to this a couple months ago, I would've figured things out sooner.)
Then it started to feel like I was carrying something on my back... I could feel weight. I sat down to think in a quiet room, and within 5 minutes, my head was falling, my neck was aching and my shoulder blades were on fire. The stress and pressure that I put on myself because of money had been felt in the physical form. I remember standing up angry... pissed. How could I do this? How could I have changed? How did I let money effect my priorities.
For about 24 hours, I was in a bad, bad mood. I didn't talk much and I didn't train.
I went home after work, prepared myself for about a 60 minute jog and headed out. Somehow I thought "This is probably what I need."
But my jog turned into a walk and jog. Not because I couldn't run long enough but because I was listening to a Deepak Chopra audiobook and he was saying things that I needed to focus on and couldn't while running. I needed to move my body slower and with control.
For the life of me, I cant remember the part that hit me, but I remember walking through the woods, getting emotional yet feeling clear and thinking "I've lost my way," and I was happy to know it. I was happy that it hit me like that, to not feel lost or stranded at sea, thinking your swimming your ass off only to realize you've been swimming in the wrong direction.... and that the actual direction takes very little effort at all.
I turned onto my street to head back home... but then I thought "the book isn't over and my legs aren't tired," so I turned around and jogged another 3 miles.
I remember him say "I'm aware, I exist, I create," and that has been my calming mantra since that day.
No one even noticed that I was getting weird or stressed but it was totally kicking my ass and I honestly thought about quitting.
Now, rather thank thinking "How much is this day worth?" and wondering about money, I think "What can I make happen? Who can I help? How can I serve?" Those words are so incredibly powerful to me, HELP and SERVE, just writing them down excites me. Tomorrow, I know my schedule will from about 6am-8pm and some time ago, I would've debated trying to dodge some appointments. Now, I'm packing my bag and extremely excited about the opportunity to be with people and make something awesome happen, to help someone break through a plateau, to have a conversation that helps someone, to deliver a training session that pushes physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have such an amazing job! I really do. I get to help people evolve and I don't do it in a douchy "Hey do this!" kind of way. I've always said "I'm on the path too," and there are so many ways for everyone to grow. Its not all you should take a yoga class (but you should) or go for a run or do this or do that, it's do what feels good, but don't be shy to push your boundaries and do different things even if they're uncomfortable or new or what you may think is out of you element. My first yoga class was a few years ago and I walked in, largest guy in the room... probably the only guy in the room, and had no clue what a down dog was or what the heck she was saying with all this chatarunga stuff and everything else those whacky yogi's say :) but I dove in and it changed every single thing in my life.
Someone recently said to me (or maybe she text me) that my workouts delivered a similar emotion that yoga does, that my session opened up some feelings inside that were difficult to deal with but lead to a breakthrough... that's the f'ing paycheck.
I hope my random rants disguised as blog entries helps at least one person step out of their comfort zone and stretch for some positive growth or just to be a little wind in the sails. The daily grind can be just that, a freaking griiiind and it can whip our butts. Sharing our stories and connecting, thats the juice we need.
Peace, love and empathy.