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Thursday, January 1, 2015

It was overwhelming...

... I thought I could compartmentalize, and put things in their place, but I couldn't.  And it's one of those lessons you don't learn, until you go through it and learn it yourself.

I was at Dominic's house and we were about to record a podcast.  We were just bs'ing, catching up real quick and he asked something how real estate was going.   I dont remember my exact answer but I referenced a day job and he stopped and said "Wait a second, you're working..." and listed off x jobs.  Most people may think "Wow, look at you," but Dom said "Aren't you spread thin?  How can you give all three the energy?"
He nailed it and I knew it then... I just smiled and blew it off and said something that would exit the conversation, which I'm good at.
But he was right on the money and it was completely overwhelming.  Mentally suffocating.  There were nights when I'd get home and have to get on emails or follow ups and try to book the weekend and I'd have my calendar and I'd try to book every spare hour with some type of apt.  Non-stop, all year.  Given the year and everything we had going on, I had no choice.  I had to grind like that to make sure certain things happened and that we were somewhat set for the winter.

But a lesson was learned, one that came to me after writing "chubby trainer."  Very simple, there's only so many things you can handle well, with productivity and drive and passion and all the goodies that make you do the things you love to do.  No clever title.
I've written about the "Goal lists," a bunch of times and when I meet new clients, we talk a lot about building small lists, 3-5 things, that's all.  But I re-write, edit, cross off, add on and constantly check my list... 50 things.  Within that 50, I have another list of "how," those 50 things are going to happen where I write 3 "how's," per 50 goals.... that shit's an afternoon project!  Yes, I do feel it's important and it's helped me find success with a good deal of them,  BUT, there was something missing.
Me.
I wasn't in the goal list.  Yes, on one hand it was all about me and things I was going to accomplish.  But I never wrote down "read a book a month," or "go for 2 walks per week," or "pick the girls up from school more often."
And because of all that, I wound up where I was the night I wrote "chubby trainer."  Ground zero, feeling like shit, thinking of quitting, mentally exhausted and depressed.
This is what happens when you;re firing off at 50 goals, shooting for them all, every single day.
"It's better to burn out than fade away," has always been one of my favorite quotes and I actually still believe it but... it's time to touch the brake for a bit and realign the focus.

Like I said in the last blog entry, I need to train myself.  I need to develop myself.  I often post things on FB talking about myself and that was one of them.  I see things within myself and I want to share.  There's a line in Eminem's "Rap God," where he says "So I wanna make sure somewhere in this chicken scratch I scribble and doodle enough rhymes, to maybe try to and help some people through tough times," and that's why I enjoy sharing my errors and shortcomings and insecurities and everything else.  Maybe someone's reading this thinking "Damn, thats me too...." and it takes them somewhere mentally to make an adjustment.

Aubrey Marcus said something along the lines of "We're just a drop of water the ocean forgot about."  And the first time I heard it, I kinda got emotional... in a very humbling, settling way... We're that small.  We may think something now... we're so important or this and that, but the things that are important are what we share.  Not our money or the house, we cant let that turn us into slaves.  Not how may likes we get or how many people read our blogs, we cant let a funny ego run the show.

Point is... just as I was working too many hours and targeting the goals, I had my "how," list available, but not my "why," list.
I've lost friends and my phone is only filled with people who know from one of my jobs (aside from maybe 6).
I can feel a very strong wave of change and transition coming... I'm good with it.  

You have to be balanced.  You have to work hard and have fun.  You have to have friends and have alone time. You have to be versatile and complete.

You know what I really hate?  Going out in public.  Why?  Because I run into people and they always want to talk about training and a gym.  I don't think they do it because they want info, they do it because they dont know what else to say to me.

You know what I really love?  Someone text me after reading the last blog and said "And if you ever feel like quitting, let me know.  I'd be happy to reciprocate (f'ing Iphone just died at 23% while copying her text!!!)"  I think it ended with something saying "happy to reciprocate what you did for us."  this was sent by someone in the Power Program I talk about and this person, probably transitioned more than any other I've ever trained and I told her this when we ended in May.  So getting this text... was something I always wanted to hear.

I always said - I'm not above or below, I'm with you.