Sunday, February 15, 2015

Let Me Clear My Throat

Ever hear that song?  Love it!  I've been playing it pretty much everyday since about 2 weeks ago, and ironically, I've had a little lump in my throat that I need to "clear."
(the tone of this one actually isn't a party anthem, its a more Eminem or Public Enemy but whatever)

So you may have felt a negative vibe off my posts recently, I did, but I couldn't 100% shake it off.  If you've read everything just in 2015, this blog might have actually turned you off or left you thinking "this dude is weird and depressed," (I'll still proudly hold the weird title).
This week it hit me... I knew it, but I was able to find separation (finally) and see it as it truly was - A horrible relationship.
I'm talking about one of my former jobs.
I posted "2 weeks ago, my anxiety was "oh god... It's Sunday... I have 5 straight days of..." a job I actually enjoyed, the people... my friends and coworkers, I miss very much, but the atmosphere was toxic.  Truly.  Mgmt and ownership created an environment of fear, anxiety, distrust and panic.  And I wasn't quiet about it.  Throughout my time there, coworkers would vent to me and I would approach mgmt with their issues (with their permission, anonymously).  Ignored.  I would ask to open communication between the "pawns and elite," as it was referred to by certain members of mgmt (imagine that), and it was shut down with "if you don't like it, leave," responses.

It made me see things differently... I know I have a hippy heart that fights with the brain and body that's been placed here, I know I have conflicts because of it, but this just didn't feel like a reality to me.  I feel, no matter who we are, where we work, what our jobs are, there's still decency and respect between us, no?  For most of us, what we do for work is not who we are, so why be a dick?  Not here.  "The king rules, if you don't like it, leave," was told me too many times.
But I didn't leave.  Instead, I continued to fight for what was right, what was logical and for coworkers.

This is where I started to pray, as I eluded to in the last two entries.  I prayed for answers, relief, help... and it happened.

A guy called me and basically said "Hey, do you want to come back to being you again?"
But a part of was addicted to fighting with these other people...
But I sat there and said to myself... "Hey dumbass!  You asked for answers, relief and help... here you go."
And I left and started a new job.
So now on Sundays, I'm thinking about programs we can run to help people instead of dreading being 1 minute late and getting "1 point," as a penalty and then sitting on some dumb conversation about "well, you've been late twice now in the last 6 months..." as I'm daydreaming of that scene in Fight Club where Ed Norton beats himself senseless.  I'd think "This guy is telling me how to work? Am I on a television show?"

Looking back, I didn't realize how damaging that job was, how much it effected everything I was doing.  Being treated like a "pawn," by people that really couldn't hang in real life situations, very weak characters who I feel enjoyed keeping me ion the position they did (it was personal), beat me down a bit.  I definitely had to get out before it sunk me, before it completely swallowed my drive and soul.  I wondered "was this job so depressing and stressful, it ruined my enthusiasm in Mentor?"  I think so.  Was this job so stressful and depressing it effected some contracts and made me want to quit everything?  Yes.  I cancelled classes because I was so upset dealing with the issues that surrounded the actual job, I just wanted to go home and go to sleep... that's not healthy.  It truly feels like I was walking around in a room w low ceilings and couldn't stand up straight, and now, I'm upright and tall again.  I wake up excited again.

If you're in a position like this, working a job you dislike or making someone money you dislike (who makes sure to shove his purchases in your face often), you have to work to fix it (as I did for too long) or to be aggressive in finding new work.  Just as a relationship, if you're unhappy, you have to work to fix it or leave.

Now, I'm knocking off some rust and just taking one more step toward improving my life and living exactly how I envision.
The day I quit, I sat there going back and forth, almost trying to talk myself into staying in my seat.  I walked to the men's room and looked in the mirror... Literally fighting back some emotions... My onnit "One Day as a Lion," T shirt popping out of my button down.  
Never looked back.  

(Sidenote:  No, this isn't some "get on the internet and blast a former employee rant."  If it was, I could go on A LOT more.  My feelings were not a secret, this is the analogy (work to life to relationship to life to work) and finishing the post I started a few weeks ago.)

This Is Blue Chip