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Friday, February 19, 2016

Not For You

  (Because I say FUCK a lot when I talk and I don't give a shit to sensor this one).

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I met a girl about a year ago.  Pretty, smart, athletic, goal driven, etc.  This is the kind of person you meet and get to know and see she has options, she's on a path, for whatever that may mean.
She's been brought along to think the dots go 1-2-3-4 and so on.  So when the dots are misaligned, in her head, she... malfunctions.  A lot of people do.  Early in life, even later, if you don't have the skills to roll with the punches, you're in trouble.    Life changes, atmospheres change, people change, if you can't change, you'll struggle to get your footing.

"Hey asshole! Don't write about me!"
Trust me, there are 80+ people that'll read this and think it's about them or someone they know... Because it is.  Because this topic is so fucking broad and has touched multiple people you know.
So let's keep it vague and say "things changed."
When the change occurred, depression settled in.  That's what happens when the floor you were standing on falls away and you have no clue how to stop the drop.   Then you hit the floor in a new space you didn't think you'd be in or never knew existed, a new reality, and you're alone.  "What?  This isn't how they told it was going to go... Where am I?"
Then the good shit... You go to mommy. "Mommy, what do I do?"
Mommy says "welp, you're depressed and sad now, we better go see a doctor, because I see a fucking doctor for everything in my life and everyone knows doctors know everything and only look out for OOOUUUR best interest, not their wallets." 
So off they go, headed to a doctor.  
"Doctor, I'm sad."
Doctor says, "well shit! I have just what you need, here take this pill!  And if this pill doesn't work, come back and I'll give you a new pill.  And if this pill doesn't work, come back and I'll give you a new pill.  And if that pill doesn't work, come back and I'll give you a new pill!  Because fuck it! I'm guessing anyway muwahahaha"

Never mind the actual WHY.  The doc may or may not ask "what happened?" or "why are you sad?" and even if they do, well there's a fucking script headed your way anyway (newsflash, they make money off of selling prescriptions).

So you go home and start your script.
You may feel better, maybe not.  
You might feel better because the drugs drip a lil dopamine in that wild brain and you go oooooh that's the shit... Ahhh.

Or you may still feel foggy.  "Um I'm taking these pills but still unhappy."
Bingo.  

Scenario A highlights you like getting high.
Scenario B says "hey dumbass, pills won't make you happy."

Now, if you're sitting there bitching about the bald know it all douche bag that typed this, you should know, I was that scenario.  I was the guy that went way fucking darker than you'll know.  So I have rights to talk this shit. I wasn't the light and fluffy "everythings going to be ok," optimist.  I was the "umm this entire place sucks and I'm getting the fuck out of here, soon."

So I went to the doc.  Barely had to say anything.  Truth, my goal was just to get anything.  "I may talk myself into some testosterone treatments if I play it right," but left w some anti-anxiety shit, no clue what it was.  I took them because I just wanted to feel different.  Feel something different. 
But I felt zero.  I went back.  He wrote another.  
But I felt zero. 
Then I let logic settle in.  This pill isn't going to make me love my day.  This pill isn't going to make me dread going to work (understand, this wasn't very recent).  This pill isn't going to make me laugh or smile, it's not going to make me see things differently. 

I thought things like:
Something missing 
I'm alone 
I don't belong here 
I don't like it here
On and on... 

So I had options.  Cash in and go, or add the ingredient into my life to make it more tasty. 
Here's my chubby analogy - think of a stew.  Do you make it as bland and boring as possible?  Or do you look to spice that shit up?!  Add a bunch of veggies and things that are good for you? Is it energizing?  Is it filling?? Do you want to share it w friends?  
You better.
You better make your life the stew you want to share w everyone you walk passed. 

Now, when you're down, you don't want to hear of this shit.  Everything a fog and your vision is very limited.  
Take the time to think.  Think about your life and the ingredients you need to add to it, to make it full.  To make it tasty.  Spices. And eat it up.  

Don't like your atmosphere? Move.
Don't like your job?  Get a new one.
Don't like your friends? Stop hanging out.
Why eat things that crush your energy?
Why do things that don't feed your soul?
Why hurt yourself? 

You are not a victim.  
You are in complete control of your life.  

Want an antidepressant?  Go take a yoga class.
Want an antianxiety?  Go for a run.
Want to be a bad mf'er and crush a shitload goals?  Make it happen.  
Put the phone down and get your ass going.