Ordinarily, I would find excuses to easily bail. Things like "I've never been here before," or "I dont know how they teach," some bs to give me an easy out and just go workout. But I knew deep down, I need balance. I cant just lift weights a few times per week and think I'm going to find new thoughts or balance in that. So I pulled into the lot and walked in.
A nice, small lobby. Found some comfort in the books they were selling as they represented a percentage of my shelf at home, then the obvious yoga "symbol," a large ohm on one wall, reminding me of what I once felt a home in.
That was all I needed to start getting comfy but I still felt a weight. But I think I was nervous and a bit in my head. I noticed this when I began to change clothes near the shoe rack... which is right next to the lobby and definitely not private by any means. I had my pants undone and around my butt before I noticed, "Hey dumbass, you're in the hallway." from there, I moonwalked back 8 steps into an actual changing room.
My usual space in a yoga room is secluded and near an exit. A situation I felt mirror'd my behavior in real life. So i made sure to choose my space differently now and chose dead center of the room. I wanted, maybe needed, people around me.
Despite my absence, I got right into my comfort zone while waiting for class to begin. I usually move around on the mat a little, stretching my hips or low back, before sitting at the rear of my mat, relaxing and breathing, attempting to take in a few moments to focus on intentions.
Class began and I remember thinking of how I was enjoying the flow. I like when vinyasa instructors dont feel bound to the cookie cutter sequences and just flow. Its the difference between karaoke at the local dive and a Hendrix guitar solo. (Hows that for Buddhism? But real yogi's will like the analogy). We moved in and out and a variety of poses and movements, early twists and back stretches, really nice pattern and rhythm.
Physically, my body felt a tad behind a comfortable level. Yoga can put you to work regardless of who you are or what you do, but you an build to a point where things are comfortably challenging, I'm probably about a month behind where I'd enjoy.
During a class, with practice, things can happen for you, the way they can during a nice run or any time you find in the zone. My focus on this afternoon was just to breathe. I had no magnificent goals or intentions, just breathe and focus only on that. Things were moving along well.
Then we transferred from a lunge to airplane to tree....
OF all poses, f'ing tree pose, is where I heard "your mom just died," and I went down.
Didnt get mad at myself, just stood still for a second. That can happen in the early days. You think "I should be able o get this pose," and you cant and you might bitch yourself out for a second. But I stood there, and then got back in line with the class. They were off to the other leg, "lunge.... pinky fingers to your side, retract your blades and open your chest... chin, deep breath... start to lean into the lead leg and stand..." again, airplane to "your mom just died,' but this time hip cramps and shaking legs and I went to the mat.
Took some water and childs pose.
Face down in the mat, I just wanted to sleep. I heard that phrase probably another 6-10 times.
I thought "What would that one coach say to me right now..."
Dont let this be your exit. Dont use this as excuse to fade or fail. Get back up and keep working.
Thats all I tried to do from there on out. Keep working, finish how you started, focusing on the breath.
Recognize those whispers. They can be news and alerting or just distractions. And sometimes we have to steer into the pain and face it so that we're able to recognize it and use it as a lesson.
There is no app to download. No pill, no weekend retreat. You have to to dig in and get the work done. What you need is probably the thing you've been avoiding.