People have a “bitch bucket.” Things they like to bitch about go in this bucket. They say “if this was better, I wouldnt bitch so much,” but I think, “uh uhhhh, you’d put something else bucket though. You like reaching in the bucket and finding something to bitch about.”
People are like that with all of their troubles. It’s part of their character. If they let their troubles go, or fixed them or at least put them in proper perspective, I don’t know if they would know themselves.
People wear all sorts of masks to find a way to be “ok,” and lie to themselves all the time. Everyday. They negotiate in their head and compromise and eventually settle for the best of what they think they can do or be. I’m not sure there’s a lot of legit ate effort behind it all.
I lost a good friend recently. Someone as close as brother, everything but blood. Someone I grew up with at the time I grew. When we were young, we were pretty inseparable, we all were. He was someone that could sit next to me after being away for months and it not matter. Didn’t even need words. He had some troubled times and people distanced. They do that when people struggle, slip or even change. But I’m like my mom. I like to sit in the corner and keep open chairs for people to visit and talk. So no matter our path, he knew I always had a chair for him, and he had one for me. We didn’t talk daily or even weekly. As adults, it was birthday and holiday texts, a lunch every few months, and definite “conspiracy theory,” emails. I probably wouldn’t have understood 2020 at all without him. He was hilarious. He was a great guy. When we would meet, no matter what was going on, I always saw the guy I knew inside. Same walk, same talk, and I’d watch him leave, my man. Then I watched him leave.
Haven’t felt the same since.
I see a lot of fake social media identities. People who aren’t very successful (business, relationships, health, you name it) but posing as if they nailed their goals, struck oil, living the dream, and now a visionary down a path. When people do this, I see it and think “you know we know you, right?” Just be honest.
When people are not honest and honest with themselves, I worry there’s something very dark inside, almost a possession of sorts. I’ve been there, doesn’t feel good. Dishonesty with yourself, dishonesty with people creates a deep anxiety (unless you’re a psycho, I guess). Always changing “masks,” from room to room, group to group, “wait, who am I for these people?,” and ACTION, off they go playing a role.
It’s good to practice gratitude; honest thought/speech/action; courageous speech/action. It’s relieving and more peaceful. It makes life easy where you can find a zone and focus in on things that actually matter. Bitterness, dishonesty, living in fear, all of that feels like running in mud. Carrying bags of weight. Swimming upstream. It’s hard, it’s tiring, it sucks. But gratitude, honesty and courage feel free. Simple.
I have a few friends that are hard to introduce. Hard I guess because the part I want to talk about I worry is the part that makes you look at me different. Because everyone has their own biases when it comes to religion and faith. I’ll tell a really brief piece. I’ve felt like I was atheist once. I’ve read plenty of Buddhist and Taoist readings. I’ve tried to lean into science to feel comfortable not having faith. But 100% my life changed the day I prayed for fear and anxiety to be taken away. I prayed for strength and patience. I prayed for courage and clean vision. I gave thanks. It wasn’t hard. It was a good practice in humility.
The world is not easy. There are challenges all around, everyday. Bad things happen and we need strength and stay standing. We need patience to not explode, to weather the storms. We need courage to speak and act properly. We need truth to help us align our thoughts so that we have clear direction and aim in life, in nearly every way I’ve been able to think of.
I was working, half listening to a random podcast.When you’re doing that, you're not fully
paying attention but buzz words or energy in their voice can make you tune in
tighter or rewind because you knew you missed something.It was nothing monumental, but I heard the
host say “that’s a good investment of time,” and it made me pause.
I paused my work, paused the episode and closed my door to
give this a moment to think about.
A good investment of time.
I think we’ve heard hundreds of analogies and lessons of
time.Time flies, take your time, use
your time wisely, time waits for no one, and one of my favorites – Men talk of
killing time, while Time slowly kills them.
The thought of Time can feel like a Steven Pressfield
book.Pressfield wrote about Resistance
(“The War of Art”) as an energy, a noun, a figure, a person to overcome disguised
as a friend pulling you off target.Time
has that quality.You can use it, speed
it up, slow it down, but as the podcaster said, you invest it.
Time and current, Time is money might be the closest 1-1.Ask anyone any hospice.Think they wouldn’t trade all of their purchases
for more time?It’s the thing we want
and need more of and we cannot create it.
We invest it.Like
investments, some are short term, some are along term.Some pay off asap, some years.Some may never pay off.Some keep cashing in years after we’ve turned
to dust.Think of the ancient philosophers
who basically still live.They invested
time, wrote their path, and their influence is felt for hundreds of years.They may not be here to reap any rewards but
the investment continues to roll.
How about hitting the gym?You go one day, you don’t see any results.You go a week, maybe even a month, you don’t see
any results.Just like small deposits
into a retirement account, you don’t see the interest accumulating in 30 days,
right? It takes Time.Months, years, consistency.The gym is that investment and it pays off in
the long run for those who invest and much more than a flex or ability to press
140lb dumbbells.It pays with mental
growth and the stamina to get after hard, long work.The discipline to keep showing up when you don’t
feel like it.These are additional attributes
you build and obtain via the investment.
How about your education and skills? Only supreme outliers are born with high
level ability, and I bet even most of those had a unique upbringing that one way
or another supported growth to be who they became.So how are you investing in your job
skills?Is it a weekend clinic?Is a weekend enough?Is it a degree?Is it on the job training?Are you investing appropriately?Giving all you can or you making minimum
deposits?If you’re not putting forth a worthy
investment, odds of a big pay are greatly limited.You get out of it, what you put into
it.And thinking of that…
How about relationships?I bet this is the hard one for people.You can get a pretty good idea that degree X will result in job Y and salary
Z, but what exactly is the “pay day,” in relationships?How do we invest?Maybe this is where you can sit and think how
I did, about time and how you can invest in relationships, because one way or
another, they will pay off.If its
good, you both/all reap the benefits, but one way or another, there will be
benefits (something to learn).
So how do you use your time?Playing games, watching TV and talking
about people?Or do you read, workout,
study life, spend time w people you care about?Do you lose hours staring at a phone or do
you spend hours hanging out w an old friend?Do you spend quality time with your husband/wife or are you on auto-pilot
(time flies)?Di you build skill, grow,
adjust and adapt or are you stuck and stuck playing victim to the attacker you
have narrated Life to be.
Since I was very young, I had a weird awareness to
Time.I always knew it was fading.It’s what made me “weird,” and that weird has
made me different.That difference is
why my conversations are different than most you have.I am 100% aware every day that the next
drive, the next cold, the next doctors, the next workout, the next talk, the
next run, the next season, the next meal, the next anything could be the last.It never leaves me.Because of this, things can burn a little
hotter and the dark can get a little darker, “there aint gonna be a middle
anymore.”
It’s all an investment, invest properly
*Excuse any spelling/grammar issues.Wrote this on a small phone with XXL
thumbs.
Years ago I wrote about voting and how we vote w dollars everyday.Over the last couple years, that idea is clear to everyone (ie Bud Light, Target, etc).
But you also vote in daily action.
What you eat is a “vote,” for good health or bad health.
Did you exercise? That was a vote.
Did you call your mom?
Did you take care of things you’re responsible for taking care of? You voted for how much you care about those people w a yes or no.
Did you slack off at work? Did you throw a coworker under the bus? You just voted for or against the culture.
Did you drink enough water?
Did you take care of yourself? People are counting on you so you’re ready when they need you. Vote properly.
Did you spend good time w people you care for?
Did you give thanks?
Did you help anyone?
Did you at least fulfill your basic requirements?
Were you kind?
What are you “voting,” for?
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We count on people to drive the speed limit, or really close to it. If it’s 35, we’re counting on 33-43 as normal.
We count on people to park between the lines as best as possible.
We count on people in customer service to be of service and assist.
We count on refs to know the rules of the game and make sure they’re followed.
We count on police to enforce the law.
We count on leaders to lead.
We count on people to be honest.
We count on people to do the job they agreed to do.
We count on people to “fill in the blank,” of the atmosphere, the space where you write “I will do this because role calls for it,” and it’s done.
We count on infinite variables like this all day and night.
You signed up for x, you better be x. If you’re not, can you try harder and become it?
If not, don’t drive at all, don’t work in customer service, don’t sign up for work over your head, don’t bother w any of it if you’re not willing to produce as the role you signed to produce under.
Over the past couple years, the message from others to me - either directly or indirect - has been "chill."
"Stop taking shit so seriously."
"Maybe not everyone wants to know these things."
"Maybe people just want to be happy and not see that."
Covid may have cranked it all up a notch, but it still is what it is. And I never felt any benefit from keeping the dark in the dark. So I wanted to share on here a few videos from time to time on this platform, same videos I like to share on the Blue Chip FB page with some context and clarification.
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I went to the doc recently... I sat down, she asked "Are you in any pain?" Seems simple enough, but A) I'm very used to saying no, but then B) also felt this is a doc, maybe I should be honest, so I nodded and said "yeah." She asked "How much pain?" I laughed and said "Normal pain."
I was in another atmosphere getting some "work," done, and was asked "Are you depressed?" This one paused me for a moment mostly because its not an everyday type question... Casually, I said "sure." She asked "Why? What about?" I laughed and said "I'm paying attention to the world." Normal depression.
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We've heard songs and thought "wow, that's my song."
That's how this podcast feels. The back and forth between Jordan and Lex feels like sitting with two good friends having a great time.
One of my favorite quotes starts this off, "Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." I remember when I first listened to this episode, I was sitting at JT's Diner having lunch, and when Lex read this, I had to pause the player. The way he read it and the moment I was having, it really hit me.
"Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster."
Have you ever "battled monsters?" Did it bring something out of you, you didn't know you had? Another side?
Its a real challenge to "battle," and not change. And to battle actual monsters, which there are, there really are, you have to be careful. I think we've all tip toed this line, the only difference between us was the "monster."
How dark did we have to go to secure a righteous outcome?
Did the ends justify the means?
And did you become the monster in the process?
Jordan responds, "Bring it on. If you gave into the abyss long enough you see the light and not the darkness."
I think this line was somehow installed into me young.
I'm comfortable w darkness and "diving into the deep end of the pool," and I think for a really good reason. (See last video at the bottom of this entry for more on that).
Without the ability to see in the dark, how would we find everyone?
Even this entry as is, or a conversation that may follow it, illuminates bits of the pieces of the darkness. And the more willing we are, the more of us there are, the more assistance is available.
If I didn't know depression the way I do, I couldn't have those conversations. And then when I do, when we do, something lights up. And if the torch catches fire, that's now strength that can be passed to help add more light and light another torch to light another torch.
the relationship with pain, depression, the darkness is needed (this is me, you have your thing),
and I think crucial to knowing your self. It all hits us. No one is immune to these emotions. The better you are at recognizing the emotion, able to ull its mask off and say "ah, its just you again... nice try," because again, the darkness can be lit.
This rolls into the next video which was from the same podcast.
Not sure if the video works first or my words.
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Short video, around 90 secs.
"Sometimes your gaze can be forcefully directed towards the abyss," and "the more its voluntary the more transformative it is."
For me, what comes to mind first were the words awareness and maturity. A handful of others fall into the maturity bucket like preparation.
I think these words because my moms death is the driver on this one for me, not the video, but a new darkness.
Because of her poor health history, I knew any day could be the day. Just never knew. That's a challenging thought to sit with for 15-20 years. So when it happened, I buckled in because I knew it was going to be a new ride. I think that's the difference between forcefully directed," and "voluntary."
Jordan says "Do not hide unwanted things in the fog." This goes for emotions as well. The fog will eventually rise and the thing you hid, will be exposed. You can bring it out now and handle it.... or not a suffer longer.
And still crying doesn't mean "unhealed."
Which leads into below...
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I'd like to write it out... I wrote that and didn't know why.... I think because posting a video, I send it out there with people in mind, but... did it hit the target? Maybe as a me to you, maybe as "I see you," maybe as "the lights still on."
I was trying to tell you how to avoid the road to hell.. and I wasn't shaking my finger at you and I didn't think I was a moral authority.. I didn't wan you to burn.
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Bring the dark to light.
Heavy conversations need to happen. With no fear. No "single serving," conversations, no value meals. Take a seat and turn off the phones.
I'm lucky I have a few guys I can sit with. Not everyone has that but we all need it.
I was watching a video a few years ago where a neuro doc was detailing how kids brains develop. He talked about the different levels that process and develop as we age and why certain ages are actually slightly more profound than others
(Break. Writing this free… no format or filter… sitting in an airport w 90 minutes… had a thing on my mind to shed, so I needed music to help black out the noise of the airport. The irony of Release being song #1 on my shuffle isn’t ironic at all. Iykyk).
Back to kids…
I believe it was between 3-6, maybe 7, the beta brain waves are developing and it’s all about mirroring and copying what they see.
The phase after that, maybe the following, I don’t remember the name, but it was external processing regarding what we hear. People speak “truths,” to us and it becomes, usually becomes, a strong part of our identities.
What did you see?
What did you hear?
You may not remember, but it’s in you like the circles of grain deep inside the old tree.
A habit.
The Score Revealed
I’ve “killed myself,” many times over. A version I was, wasn’t “________ enough,” so i had to go. Recreate and come back something new and better.
Over and over and over.
Good enough?
Good looking enough?
Smart enough?
Strong enough?
What’s controllable?
What’s adjustable?
How can you even prove it? Even to yourself. Confidence comes and goes, eventually you’re sitting there searching for proof and it’s not there. So you take inventory of your “tool kit,” and analyze.
What can I do?
What can I upgrade within myself, on myself?
And no one can know…. Because if they figure out you’re not ______ enough, they’ll remove you. Fired. Dumped. Insulted. Dismissed. Replaced by someone or something that is already _______ enough. So you leave before they know and try to save some pride by walking away on your terms.
But did you really have to walk?
This mindset might sound aggressive. Maybe it seems like a guy who gets shit done and evolves and grows and pushes the ball fwd everyday.
Or maybe it sounds like a guy desperate, grasping and running on fumes to constantly be useful, to be needed, for someone or something to finally have proof of being ______ enough.
The irony is both.
It’s sucks. It’s hard. It’s mostly sad w a few blips of success that last just long enough to realize the moment is over and now you have to chase another “win,” somehow, somewhere.
What did you see that created you?
What did you hear that created you?
Keep going.
Keep working hard.
Don’t quit.
Keep developing.
You had eyes on people and they never knew. Eyes are also on you. Break the circles and break through.
If you have kids or work w kids:
Be patient.
Teach w love.
Be a good example.
Know when to pressure and when to pull back.
Know when to involve yourself and when to let them “fall.” Skinned knees are ok.
You are shaping a young human, don’t “wash your hands,” of them when they “disobey.” Connect, explain why and what is important. You’re literally helping to shape a future
A few things pop in my head when I sit down to do this these days, and usually it ends in not doing it.
I'm apprehensive to use the word "fear," because I'm not afraid of my thoughts and not afraid to be alone, but it still ends in me not typing/writing because the reader is on my mind.
So in the words of Bukowksi, "I don't try; I just type." So off I go into another forest I used to enjoy so much.
That hit me the other day and I recorded another video I'll never share. I was in Chapin with my new Ruck sack, getting things activated for the running season coming up. I was about to type something about Chapin being my favorite but I think that's like trying to say you have a favorite child. You might just like them differently, for different reasons, but you love them all. That is the trails for me. Over the years, its become an obsession. I love knowing the ups and downs, where the hard parts are, or where you can kick it into another gear and make up time. I love all the details of all the options, where to turn, where things short cut, where the long roads are. Which trails cross the river, which have bridges. A lot of time spent in there and all of them in the area. A lot of miles. A lot of sweat. A lot of alone time.
I love being able to help others when lost. I don't enjoy seeing them lost and most of the time they don't realize they're not lost at all, the path is just a little longer than they anticipated. I crossed an older woman (probably a younger grandma) and her grandson. They were clearly struggling, but I also understand someone not flagging down a 270lb guerilla stomping down the path. So I try to smile and acknowledge "I can see you're struggling." I reassure they're on the right path, just keep going. She didn't look confident, I said trust me... keep going and take the next left. Keep going. The parking your car is in is right across the street by the pond." They thanked and we went on our way.
If she wasn't paying attention and when right instead of left, she may have struggled. So I rerouted my path and ran the long road so that if she did make a mistake, I would run past them again. Luckily, this didn't happen.
I ran past a hill that sent some nice memories through me.
A lot has changed since then.
But what's changed?
This is the rope I stand on everyday.
Too young, too old. Too ordered, too chaotic. Too conservative, too liberal. Too hard, too soft. On and on, write in your own. I think it's possible, as we slide closer to the unknown exit, this balancing act gets harder and harder until something breaks.
I have two teens and a 4 year old. They're growing up in a world, we helped create, whether we know it, believe it, acknowledge it or not. It doesn't matter, its true. The world we daydreamed about when were kids doesn't fully exist anymore. The reasons are irrelevant for this. The challenge is balancing between the lines or chaos and order. Maybe there's a deep frustration in that. Maybe its nostalgia we (I) are holding onto and we want so badly for them to have the real life we had. We've all seen the meme. 4-6 kids, sitting on bikes and the caption is something like, "we never knew the last time we were going to have this evening." Our last pick up game at the park, the last ride to the corner store. It happened, it ended, and we didn't noticed (Unless you're weird and have had a crazy obsession with the clock since eh, 13 or so, then you noticed). Back to the beginning of the thought... there's a tug of war between not letting them fade or be sucked by the gravity of social contagion and copy cat thinkers, spoon fed ideas, countered with grounding in reality of real human connection, relationships, real life human experiences. I don't believe the tech future has anything human for us and I don't want to see us slipping into that void. We will become drones. I think we might already be on our way. Try talking to a group of teens lately?
Holding onto some crazy youthful energy is important. Having space to let it go is important. Being around people that accept and appreciate the young and old in you is important.
Knowing when to recover is important.
Knowing when to search for energy sources is important.
That's what I walked past the hill and that was the video I recorded. I need to find a way to have the conversations to help light the match and reignite an energy I lost.
It's hard to do while holding on to everything else.
Young guys, don't fall for the traps. Stay the path, your path. You're not lost. Just keep going. I ran these, trust me.
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I don't want to write pages. Just these as they come around.
My video: I want to have conversations with people who are running on "natural energy." People who have a calling in their soul and operate their day on that frequency. I used to be there. I want to visit it and see what I can find. These might be entrepreneurs, artists, deep thinkers and feelers, I want to meet and talk to people who think and feel deeply. I don't talk much because basic conversations and just that, basic. It's pop music. People near me know, I cant really have a talk without turning it into something bigger, deeper, more than it was than it started. I want to grow and learn more. I want to expand and meet more people that inspire great action and spread positive energy. Lets record it and put it on @home behind the sun podcast. message me.
funny thing... i don't think anyone will, but not because they don't like the idea. because people on that energy are humble in reflection and don't think they're special. "Who me? I'm just doing what I do..." exactly. effortless. like you're not even in control. the vision and messaging just comes to you, that's exactly what I want to know about.
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