Monthly Mix Tape

New MOOD by Onnit

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

My Day As President

I rub my eyes and roll over to hit the alarm.  I'm the freaking President of the United States, no time for snooze alarms!
I'm up, take a walk around the grounds, have 4 eggs with toast with some Onnit Caveman Colombian Amber (see how fast I've been bought off!!), then chase that down w 4, thats right FOUR Alpha Brains (Clinically studied to help healthy individuals support memory, focus, and processing speed).  For the love of God, where will the bribery end?!?!?

8 a.m. Meeting
I say "Guys, we need to end all this violence, world wide.  Who do we have to talk to?  How can we open up communications and find a middle ground here?"
My VP, Eddie Vedder obviously nods, agreeing and starts to write lyrics to a new song, as a skinny little man in a suit comes up and mumbles "ummm sir... you might want to slow your roll on this peace talk."
I lean back and whisper "wtf are you talking about?  We can't keep this up.  Kids are dying everyday, there are more PTSD related suicides than actual war casualties, we have..."
But he interrupts "Yes, sir, I know, we all know, but you have to understand..."
"Understand what? I understand that the only people that want to war are those who make money from war.  No one even knows what we're fighting about anymore!"
"But again sir... The last president that talked about peace and ending war.... died."
"We all die."
"No sir, he was killed... In Dallas, back in 1963... we've been at war since"
"WHAT IN THE F ARE YOU TELLING ME?!"
"Yes sir, JFK was assassinated because he thought he could create world peace by aligning major,  controlling countries...  but um... (he gestures to the secret servicemen in the corner) youknowho, didnt want that.  You see, more money is made during war than times of peace... and the USA is a business."
"So what can we do?"
"Nothing sir... the same nothing every other President has done since 1963."

The little hair I had, turned gray after that one.

I go back to my "thinking," room to settle down and meet with Deepak Chopra before my next meeting.  He mumbles of bunch of quantum bullshit and I walk out with my head spinning.

10 a..m. Meeting
I start off, "Okey Dokie... f the war stuff for now.  We'll deal with that after we make some gains elsewhere.  If I'm going to be taken out, it cant be day 1.  Let's talk economy and school.. what can we do to immediately surge state economies and pump millions of dollars into schools and road?"
My Secretary of Agriculture comes flying out of his chair!  "Me, me, me!!" screams Joe Rogan.  "Did you see marijuana sales in Colorado totaled $1,000,000,000 last year?"
(Did you count the zero's?)
Me: "Wha-wha-whaaaaat?   $1,000,000,000?!?!? Are you f'n kidding me??"
Joe: "F no! $1,000,000,000 with 9 zeros!  Totaled around $135,000,000 in sales taxes and allllll of that cashola can go straight to schools and any other GD thing you can think of."
Me:  "Wait a second... so all we have to do is legalize a plant.. and let people sell it... and we're headed to towards better roads and better funded schools?"
Joe:  "Theres more!"
Me: "Are you going to tell me??"
Joe: "Guess."
Me:  "Joe... for F sake, spit it out."
Joe:  "Hint... crime rate."
Me: "Shit.. it went up?  People are getting high and walking around... laughing?"
Joe:  "It went down!  DUI's went down and the overall crime rate went down.  Less domestic abuse calls and less violence."
Me:  "Well HO-LY shit, we have a winner!  Lets legalize across the nation!!"  as Joe passes out a dozen joints around the room.
But here comes that skinny lil fella fro the earlier mtg...
Him:  "Hang a sec fellas, not so easy."
Me: "Whys that? Its a freaking plant.  One that was legal until politicians were bought off by the cotton industry."
Him: "Ya... true... but think about the repercussions."
Me:  "Such as...?"
Him:  "for starters... what about all the inmates locked up?  Or the guys that already lost time on their lives being locked up over this?"
Me:  "We cant let them free?
Him: "Well... we could but, when guys go to jail, they dont really come out the same.  So they went in on a weed issue... but the punishment didnt quite fit the crime.  And then there's the issue of privatized prisons, those prisons make money by HAVING prisoners... and then the issue of the security and police unions, they need people to arrest.... and then the pharmaceutical companies, weed will hurt their sales, OOPS I mean scripts,... and then the beer companies, all those sales in Colorado hurt beer sales... none of those guys want to see weed legal!"
Me:  "So you're saying, if we legalize weed..."
Him:  "See that guy in the corner?  The one thats paid to protect you?  Well some other guys that are paid to keep legal illegal, might pay that guy to not protect you one day."

"So what you're saying is..."
"There's nothing you can do... the same nothing thats been going on all along."

So I say fuck it all, call the North Korean diplomat (Dennis Rodman), Pearl Jam and we shoot hoops the rest of the day.